I need another's input stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
I need another's input stay or go?
4
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 5:30pm

How do you know when it's time to walk away? I have been married for 13 years. My DH comes from a big latin family and I come from a small white family. Throughout the years I have really bent over backwards to please his whole family. Everything was great as long as I continued the course. But I have a bad habit of speaking my mind and finally I started to, with his family (actually SIL), they are very gossipy and have always had comments about my size and my race. I just don't fit the same mold.. My DH never has stood up for me, he says their just joking or not to take anything personally, even when they called my kids little whities..or come to my house and say "MY you've gained weight".. Well finally last year I decided I wouldn't visit with them anymore, he could go anytime without me. But with a big family, there is always a wedding, bday or something, even visitors came to town on my anniversary and he went over. But I can't just sit home or go shopping or find something else to do everytime he heads to his family. I don't have any family so going there is not an option, and all my friends (are my kids friends parents) so I don't hang out with them without my kids. My neices told my son they hate me ( I can assume they heard that from thier mom ~SIL)and when any of my SILs call they just ask for him without greeting me on the phone. I really feel I can't deal with the stress anymore on this monthly basis. It really causes some sort of tiff everytime (it seems it always falls on a weekend that neither of us have to work, or the kids have no sports and I think wow time for us turns into time for them). I feel he is choosing them over me! I have asked him just that, and he says I am making things up... Since I can't get rid of them, without letting go of him, I really feel I need to set myself free so I can not have my blood boil everytime I see SIL's on my caller ID. Most people divorce over money or sex we argue over his family. I really need help, I can't just get over this because it has been going on for so long, the only way it gets better is if I play nice, but I can't keep a face with people who I know talk nasty about me. So it only lasts as long as I realize mean things are being said or my kids are being treated differently than their cousins. What would you do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 8:08pm

Jrami, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I understand that you've discussed this with your husband and he doesn't get it. But is he aware that you're considering divorcing him over it?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:17pm

Welcome to the board jrami,


Thirteen years a long time to put up with this. I can't imagine what it does to you watching your children being treated differently by *family*.


I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 8:55pm

Unfortunatly, yes! I have talked about it until I couldn't talk no more and that's hard for me to do. I feel that I bring it up too much, but I tell him in the same breath that I am only trying to communicate and I really wish he would do the same with me. He just either tells me To Do whatever I want to do, or says nothing. I have asked him to go to conselign and he said he will only if I find the counselor, get the authorization, and someone to watch the kids. Almost if I do all the work. He also said he will leave if I file for seperation and I put the house up for sale, again if I do the work, other wise I can expect he will try to ride each week while I suffer. THis has been going on for 13 years and not that it has come up every year but enough that I know his routine. Eventually (in the past ) I just say forget it and I hold all my feelings in he continues with day to day (other than this issue with his family) we rarely fight so for months I won't say anything but eventually I bring it up again. I always tell him it keeps resurfacing because he never gives me some sort of closure or resolve. Does that make sense? We did do counseling a few years back, and it never resolved THIS issue again becuase we had no other major issues we just wnet each week (paying of course) and finally stopped.
HE NEVER TALKS TO ME ABOUT IT.... IF I TRY HE ALWAYS SAYS "WHAT DO YOU WANT" AND WHEN i SAY HE JUST SAYS DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, DO THE PAPERS, SELL THE HOUSE. But he doesn't realize (which I have said) If this really happens and I make that step, there really is no going back, I would have to move (with the kids) closer to my family becuase I have no fam close and I can't afford the area we live in nor could I do it without support. He just says then he'll follow the kids..

I need major advice!!! I don't know if I should make that step, does he think I am just crying wolf because I have brought it up before and eventually cried it out to myself till I burst?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 1:16pm
Hugs, I'm sorry that you are going through something like this. It must be very tough when you feel like you are not getting the support of your husband. You would think that being a spouse he would stick up for you and be on your side and set boundaries with his own family. Sometimes people let family walk all over them or their spouses and don't do anything about it, it's sad to see. Just because they are family doesn't give them free-range to treat their own family like crap. It's hardest to set boundaries with family I've noticed, but very important to. It would also drive me crazy if my husband didn't stick up for me if his family was mouthing off and just being rude and childish.
Let me ask you this. Are you willing to do all the work in getting the counselor or can you talk your husband into doing his part and helping to find an appropriate counselor? If you are willing to do this then I would try that first. Hopefully he will cooperate and help you out with this.
If you aren't willing to do all this work in finding the counselor on your own and he won't help then since this has been going on for 13 years I would request a separation if I were you. It sounds like you have been stressed and unhappy for way too long and no one should have to live life that way. Good luck with things.