I need to change

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
I need to change
2
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:31am
I need some advice. I've been living with my boyfriend for 8 months now and I love him more than anything. My problem is that I am constantly nit-picking everything he does and picking fights. Most of the things I complain about are stupid; like his driving, the way he does the laundry, how he dresses, how he cleans the house, etc. He doesn't fight back and usually apologizes for whatever I am bitching about (and he shouldn't). He tries so hard to make me happy but I still do this to him and I don't know why. I feel extremely guilty when I act this way and I usually apologize later for my behavior.

But this criticism is destroying our relationship and I don't know how to stop. Its like I'm picking on him to make myself feel like I'm on top (or better than him). Last night he said he wanted us to separate and he totally meant it. I guess I've taken for granted that he will never leave me. It was like someone punched me in the gut. I was so scared. I've been single for 5 years and I knew when I met him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I begged him to stay and he says he doesn't want to raise children in this environment. He loves me so much but says he can't let me treat him this way. He says nothing he ever does is right and I'll never be happy with him.

I can't describe how this made me feel but he was totally right and I admitted that but it wasn't enough. He says I always do this; say one thing and do another. I'm always affectionate with him and tell him I love him. I cook, clean, and work to help out with the bills. I do well with material things but not with my words. I convinced him to stay and promised I would change and be different but I'm afraid I won't live up to his expectations and when I come home one day he'll be gone. I want to be a better woman to him and change my behavior. I need help because I can't let this one go. He means everything to me and is a wonderful man. I don't deserve him but I don't want to lose him either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:49am

Sometimes, people tend to act this way ebcause things are going so well in all other areas. Its as if you think that things are going too good to be true, so you pick a fight. This way, things arent perfect anymore. Its almost like you are not comfortable unless there is drama going on.....


Another reason could be that you feel like he isnt giving you an adequete amount of attention(even though he seems to be), unless you are fighting. So you pick fights, to get this xtra attention from him. Either way, its unhealthy and can only be tolerated for so long, no matter who you are.


Do you have health insurance? If so, I would look into some individual counseling, as they are usually covered by insurances. If not, you need to start being more concious of what you are sayin, how you are acting. Maybe you two should start a journal. Every

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:25pm
I agree with the CL. Besides, the fact that your guy actually does laundry and cleans the house, dispite your nit-picking, well I know a lot of women on this board who would kill for her guy to pick up one sock! Lol. I think it's great that you are able to see the problem within yourself and that he is sticking by you. Try to go to counceling or if you are involved with a church go to them to find the root of the problem...what it REALLY is.

:)