I need emotional support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need emotional support
4
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:19am
Well I wrote out my situation yesterday. & today it still is bad. I went & got all my stuff from his house yesterday. (we had lived together for 11 months) Well he was there. & we talked for a moment. I apologized for calling him repeatedly and explained why I did. & asked to be friends and he agreed. But he said this week will be hard for you & me both. We hugged and I said maybe another time & place (which i don't know what that means) & he said definately. So do you think that means there is a possibility in the future for us if he said definately to that? & what can i do to get him back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:38am
Hi, I went back and read your other posts. I don't know if I can help. However, I do understand the desperate feeling of wanting someone. All of my life I longed for an intangible something. Now that I finally have what I feel is a healthy relationship, I think I know what it was. Surprisingly enough, it's possible to be jerked around by others all your life. I never understood why men seemed to want to possess me but not want me. Possession/ownership is not love.

My hunch is that you were an object to your boyfriend, something he wanted, but replaceable to him. Of course, you are irreplaceable, and you need to find someone who sees you the way you truly are. I think that right now, your boyfriend has you questioning your worth, when, if you'd broken-up with him, you'd know he wasn't good. I think you let yourself see "you" through his eyes. Then, when he broke it off, you were devastated. This is one of the hazards of being in love, letting someone else's opinion matter, making oneself vulnerable.

I want to assure you that you are much, much more than your boyfriend wanted you to believe. They hook a person by telling half-truths, "you're o.k., but..." That way, you don't question his value, only trying to prove yourself to him. An equitable relationship recognizes both partners' strengths and weaknesses.

Of course, I can't fully understand your relationship. I can only guess what happened in it retrospectively, some of which you may not have been fully aware of at the time. It's very easy for someone who is unwilling to make themselves vulnerable to say the right things and toy with the affections of others. It seems pretty clear to me that your bf's "first love" is his fraternity, or whatever he perceives to be in his best interests at that moment. I would say your bf lacks character, and in its place puts up a pleasing display. I have had the misfortune to know many men like this. One of them was my brother, whom I got to see first hand how shallow he really was and yet how sincere he could seem simultaneously.

As hard as this may be at the moment, I think you're better off without him. A man without a backbone is not a man. Also, I haven't seen too many people change from the way they were as children. So, even if he seems more sophisticated later, he'll probably still be the type that does whatever he's told, whenever he's told to do it. You'll save yourself years of heartache if you look for someone who can love you from his heart.

I guess my best advice would be to not let yourself be cheated out of falling in love again because of this guy. If you search hard for a person of character, when you see yourself through his eyes, you'll see the truth for a change. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:53pm
God only knows if you will ever be in the right time at the right place with him. Right now the universe is looking out for you - he is not right for you.

You should not focus on him - that is why you feel so bad. You measure your worth by his acceptance of you. You are worthwhile simply becuas eyou are you.

What you must do now is to focus on YOUR happy future without him. he has his own journey to make and you are not part of it. Work on your self esteem, get very clear about what you want in life and in your relationships and pursue that with a vengence. Do not get sidetracked by things that almost fit. Trying to find hidden meaning in his words or thinking 'what if' or 'if only' will only keep you stuck in a past that doesn't exist anymore. You will miss out on your own life journey by doing so.

Get busy! take up new hobbies, go out with friends and do not contact him. Remaining friends is not in your best interest and will only cause you furhter hurt. (I speak from personal and very painful experience). If you want everyting (commitment, marriage, etc), then do not settle for a consolation prize (friendship).

you may want ot get into therapy for a while to help you work on your self esteem and getting a handle on this loss. You must grieve and learn the lesson and move on.

Best wishes to you.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 8:47pm
My heart goes out to your for the hurt you feel. But, I think it is better that you not consider trying to recapture this relationship. It seemed too easy for him to walk away. And please, don't try to maintain a friendship. Unless there is something common between you that demands friendship and pleasantries, don't count on a friendship. I responded to you yesterday. My BF promised that whole friendship thing and never ONCE tried to contact me. He even said, "We can still hang out." It never happened. Not to mention, if it had, 'awkward' would have been an understatement to describe that friendship. How can you truly be friends when you'll always want him back in your heart. Go forward. The door was shut in your face, but there's a whole world out there. You just have to turn around and face it-and stop staring at that door he closed before you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:41am
My sympathy goes to you. I know it's hard for you now but soon you will see that it's all for the best. If he broke up with you because he was on a bet with his friends, that's just stupid, you don't want to hang out with him anyway. Breaking up with you because of his final exams, that doesn't make any sense... He could have just asked for a break and explained the situation to you. Please don't hang on his words about you guys might have a chance. If it's meant to be, you guys will get back together, if not, then nothing will happen no matter how hard you try. Now you should start your healing process by going out to do something you like. You sounds like a sweet girl, you will find someone better than him. :-) **hugs** Best lucks to you.