I need a fresh set of ears/eyes.. please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
I need a fresh set of ears/eyes.. please
4
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 8:49am

My ex boyfriend and I had been dating 5 years and I believed things to be normal and healthy. We got into our fair share of fights but we were always able to work things out and then they weren’t brought back up. We were both attending college and after we graduated we had made plans to move in with each other. I live in a different state than where we went to school so I went home to gather up a few things and basically just hang out for a few months until the house we had set up was open for us to move in to. I flew up to visit him in July and to look at the house and scope things out and we had a really nice week together.

9 days later, I get a call from him and he seems a little off and I ask him what is going on and if everything is ok and he quietly says "I don't think I'm in love with you". This took me by complete surprise, I honestly didn't see it coming. Like I said, we have fought before but everything seemed so right up until that point. He spent the next 4 hours on the phone crying saying that he loved me over and over and wanted to be with me but he just feels so confused inside and it's just not fair for us to be together if he doesn't feel the way he thinks he should. We spoke on the phone a few days after but he still said he felt confused and didn't understand what was going on in his head.

I had to go back to his home state to get my things from my apartment that I had up there and I called to let him know incase he wanted to talk to me face to face. He met up with me that Friday and he took me out to eat and payed for it, demanded that I wear his jacket because of the rain, and then he drove around for hours because he didn't want to take me back to my hotel. He didn't want to say goodbye because it didn't feel right. He asked for a hug and when I was pulling away he kissed me and then called me by his pet name.

The next day I was done moving out of the apt and I decided to meet up with some college friends and a mutual friend pulls me aside and tells me "look, Im not supposed to tell you this but when "ex" was up during memorial day weekend, he confided in me that he was going to be proposing to you". This crushed me .. of course. It made everything that much more confusing.

That Sunday was the final day I was going to be in the state and I got a call from the ex and he wanted to see me again. He asked me to come over to his parents house and I agreed. When I got there it was filled with his entire mom's side. Why would he invite me to this huge family gathering?? While I was there he couldn't keep his eyes off me and he kept playing love songs on the guitar. I asked him about the marriage proposal and he didn't say anything, he just looked sick to his stomach. I told him about a jacket I bought and he asked me if it would be warm enough for the winters around where he lives. ...I doubt this was a brain fart and he forgot that I live farther south than him. He also casually mentioned that he doesn't think the break up is all that permeant and then he switched the subject immediately.

He told me that he still feels something for me and that he wants me around but he feels that him being single is just the right thing for him at the moment. He feels that he has always done what others have wanted of him and now its finally his chance to be out on his own making his own decisions. I asked him if this was about other girls and he said no, but you never know.

We spoke again a week later on the phone and he got short with me when I tried to ask him some questions that were burning in my head. He told me that the relationship was over and that there was no chance of us getting back together. I told him not to contact me unless he wants to try to work things out and then after some time he said "So, I can't talk to you at all? Not talking to you would be like you were dead and I don't want that" and then he said "Say in 3 months I want to get back together with you, I just have to call you?" completely contradicting his statement about us not having a future.

It has been no contact for 10 days now and it will be a month since the split on the 29th of this month. I still talk to a mutual friend who says that my ex is extremely depressed (he's normally the life of the crowd) and makes statements like "talking solves nothing, only drinking does". I also feel that there is one friend of his that is toxic and has been whispering things in his ear about quitting his high paying job and getting rid of me for the better of the band (they think they are going to be rock stars). This "friend" also tells him that there is no point in talking and that he should just drown his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle (the ex had a drinking issue before the breakup, but not bad enough to make "us" suffer)

I called his mother in secrecy and told her about the drinking, the depression, the toxic friends and she agreed with me that he needs to seek out help and I am hoping she gets him to talk with someone. Maybe this will help him see that I am the one that has been there for him. Maybe not. Really though, I wanted some opinions on his strange behavior. He loves me but doesn't. Wants to be with me but doesn't. The fact that we were going to rent a house and he was thinking seriously about marriage and out of no where he says he can't do it. Cold feet? Or did he actually fall out of love within a few short days? He is still my best friend and I care deeply about him and I'm hoping the no contact will help me in the way that he will finally come to his senses. Anything will help. Sorry this is horribly long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 9:54am

Hi heezy_monster,

I am sorry you are experiencing so much anxiety and pain right now. It does sound like "cold feet" and much more to me. He obviously has been thinking about marrying you and then experienced a lot of anxiety when he actually considered proposing. Maybe the marriage idea was a bit premature. Maybe he started feeling he was not ready for that big of a commitment yet but on another level felt like he "should" be.

You are both right out of college if I read what you wrote correctly and that in itself presents changes and challenges. It can be a very stressful time in and of itself. Perhaps piling marriage on top of all the already existing challenges caused him to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. It sounds like he is on overload. Maybe he thinks being with you means he has to marry you when you two are not ready for marriage or at least he isn't. Somehow in his mind he turned a nurturing and supporting relationship into having to decide to get married or not.

Perhaps you can talk to him about how marriage is a bit premature for the both of you. Talk about some of the challenges facing you as individuals since graduating. He seems a little lost and overloaded right now. You are both entering a very challenging time.

I hope this helps!
Donna
http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net

Donna Deming, Life Coach http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net/blog/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 12:33pm

Welcome to the board heezy_monster,


My personal opinion is that people don't fall out of love over night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 12:37pm

'I called his mother in secrecy and told her about the drinking, the depression, the toxic friends '


Does he sound like husband material?


Your ex is not ready t be married. It isn't about fights or your relationship in general. He is too young to be married. You two will be very different from each other at 30 so why not tke this time to meet other people?? Find a job and get involved in your community doing thinks you like. Take your time finding a husband. You can't wait by the phone for your ex to change his mind and then walk on egg shells in fear that he may end the relationship again.


'So, I can't talk to you at all? Not talking to you would be like you were dead and I don't want that"


He

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:50pm

From my experiences, your boyfriend's contradictory behavior is because he doesn't want you to move on. Sure, he doesn't want to be with you right now, but maybe he will at some point. He likes knowing there is someone (you) pining for him. It's human nature. It feels good to be wanted. It's perfectly logical that while he may not be "in love" with you any longer, he still cares about you and, naturally, doesn't want you to disappear out of his life. It's a comfort thing. I know that sucks, but trust me, I know it all too well.

I've been on both sides of this equation. Both of them suck really bad. But I'm telling you, if you don't, as the previous poster said, take a stand, you are subjecting yourself to months, even years, of torture. He'll say whatever to keep you hanging on, then back off of it. Then when you threaten to leave, he'll say one little thing to make you think there's hope. It's a vicious cycle that he is not mature enough to break. He is not marriage (or even live-in boyfriend) material. And I can't really blame him. He just graduated. A lot of people do this. However, that doesn't mean you should stick around to be subjected to it. I am telling you, the meanest thing anyone can do after a breakup is to say "maybe this isn't permanent," because it automatically hooks the other person into waiting to see if he or she changes their mind. This shred of hope (his confusion) he's giving you prevents you from even beginning to move on.

Therefore, YOU have to initiate No Contact and stick to it. I had a boyfriend tell me the same things yours is telling you, then retract it all a few days later, and I (stupidly) got back together with him, only to have it all fall apart again six months later. ONLY when your ex grows up does it give any TRUE hope for a future reconciliation between the two of you. And maybe then, you won't want it.