I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
I need help
9
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:37am
Well this is about my relationship with a very close friend of mine. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back and I don't know what to do. We've been friends for about five years and grown very colse in that time. She moved about 1500 miles away in Aug. but we remained in touch. She came back for Christmas and has hung out with myself and a few of my friends a couple of times. One of these friends happens to be a guy that I am quite fond of. Her first night in town she met all of these friends and asked if I like the guy because if not she was going to try to hook up with him. I told her that I wasn't looking for anything serious but I did like him and asked her not to do anything with him. A few nights later I was with those same friends and he kissed me I ended up staying the night it didn't lead to anything serious just the kissing. When I told her about this she was excited for me. Well last night, New Year's Eve, she was with me all night and insisted that she go everywhere that I went. We started the night at this guys house went to a couple other places and then went back to this guys intending to stay the night. Well after we had been back for about an hour I look over and she is sitting right next to him rubbing his leg she noticed that I saw her and quit. A little bit later the same thing happened. A little while after that I looked over and she was playing with his belt at that point I felt really disrespected and decided to leave when I asked if she wanted a ride home she said she would get one in the morning. I left knowing full well that her intentions were to sleep with him and maybe that was a mistake. She did end up sleeping with him and now of course tells me she feels terrible about it. She doesn't want this to be the end of our friendship but she is going back home on Sunday and I know if we don't resolve this before then it will be the end of our friendship. I feel like I've been betrayed and I don't know how to handle this. Should I forgive her? And if so how is that supposed to happen in three days. I just don't know what to do. Please give me some advice.

Thank you.

weegadge

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:25am
First of all is this the first time she has done this to a friend or is this just the first time she has been caught. She should be held accountable for her actions a true friend would never have done that. If you feel that this is a true friendship regardless of what she has done than no man is worth losing a true friendship because a "TRUE" friend is like a sister and a sister relationship is hard to find. That being said In my opinion not only did she sleep with this guy not even knowing him very well, knowing that you had already invested time with him she did it baligerantly right in front of your face. Complete disrespect & disregard for you, your feelings and your requests of her as a friend. If she is doing this it is her forteigh and either she has done it before or will do it again. If alchohol plays a role here that is no excuse. I have known some one just like this. It was shoking to see someone I felt I knew & knew me completely disrespect me right in front of my face. Needless to say I am no longer friends with this person and I am glad I don't have to deal with whether or nop I can trust her on a regular basis.

Please forgive my speling. I wish you the best in your decision to keep this person in your life and wish you the best of friendships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:06am
This is so hard. Losing a friendship, especially a close one, is absolutely devastating, but sticking with a friend who would go out of her way to betray you is just a hard. The problem here is that we don't know about her motivation nor do we know about pattern. What ab25 said was true, being drunk does not make her behavior OK, nor does it make your hurt go away, BUT if this is a pattern (i.e. she gets drunk and fools around with girlfriend's love interests) she could have a serious drinking problem. That doesn't mean you should remain her friend, but it could be something to mention to her, to let her know that her drinking might be out of control. If drinking wasn't a factor, (she just decided to go for the guy you had dibs on), and this is a pattern (i.e. she has a tendency to break up relationships or jump on the hot guy before anyone else has a chance) then you might think seriously of letting her know that this is unacceptable behavior and you can't be friends with someone like that.

On the other hand, if this was an isolated incident, you have to find out what her motivation was. Only then can you figure out if you can save this relationship.

This was a very sh!!!y thing to do, and I'm sorry it happened to you. Good luck.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:43am
You can either choose to accept her knowing that she has questionable morals and values, and knowing that you CANNOT count on her to keep promises and that you shouldn't trust her, and enjoy her and all of her flaws from a place where you are not close enough for her to repeat that kind of behavior... Or you can decide that what she has done just doesn't jive with what you consider friendship to be all about.

I have had friends in the past with questionable judgement, but ultimately, I've found that their lack of respect and their ability to pursue a good time at the expense of others, was not something I wanted in a long-term friendship.

Be friends at a distance, but know who she is and the kind of havoc she can reek.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:22am

i agree with pebbles! i think its part of the "growing up" process (no matter how old we are, lol!) sometime we can remain friends with old friends/relatives/siblings even tho we may question their morals/loyalty and sometimes we just can't. however, you need to undertand that if you DO continue to be her friend, you really CAN'T trust her. and she will be a different kind of friend.


sorry this had to happen to you - you sound like a nice person and good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:27am

Well, first of all I don't think we can tell you whether or not you should forgive her, we can tell you what we would do in that situation, and we can help you make the decision, but the only one that should decide whether or not to forgive her is you.


The first thing I would suggest is that you not put this deadline on forgiving her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:51am
Alcohol is no excuse, she wasn't too drunk when she saw you had noticed what she was doing with your guy's leg. Also, she starts off the evening saying she wants to go wherever you go, then ditches you when she thinks shes on a sure thing. The phrase boys come and go, but friends are forever is true in most cases, but this friend is no true friend of yours.

If I were in your shoes, I'd part on friendly terms, and let the friendship peter out. It is a long distance friendship, so maybe when there is distance between you, you can work out how much this friendship is worth to you.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:10am

You have been disrespected by this "friend". Her behavior was awful,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:50pm
Thank you everybody for your advice I really appreciate it.

Weegadge

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: weegadge
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:40pm
:::I felt really disrespected

You were.

::I left knowing full well that her intentions were to sleep with him and maybe that was a mistake.

Personally, I think you made the right decision - you walked away. You gave her the choice and she made her choice. The guy, sex, a fling (whatever) over you.

::She did end up sleeping with him and now of course tells me she feels terrible about it.

Oh, she feels so terrible....sorry I don't buy it. She's only unhappy because of how you feel, guilty because she knows she betrayed you. She stepped in, took over, backstabbed you, didn't leave the party with you, stayed with him, and now that she's had her O, she also wants to have the friendship remain in tact....I think not. In the *friendship garden* this weed (her) needs to be pulled and removed from your life.

She did what she wanted to do. She has no loyality to you as a friend. She also has no integrity.

::She doesn't want this to be the end of our friendship

Then she shouldn't have betrayed you, period.

::I feel like I've been betrayed and I don't know how to handle this. Should I forgive her?

NO, NO, NO, IMO

::And if so how is that supposed to happen in three days.

Getting over the anger and pain of her betrayal will take longer than three days. You will have to grieve for the person you thought she was, reconcile it with the person you really know her to believe now after what she did. You will have to determine if remaining friends with her is in your best interest. Like will you be able to confide in her, share with her, be around her without feeling anger?

My best to you in deciding what is important to you.


Carrie