I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
I need help
8
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 2:31am

This is a very weird situation but Im dating this older women and we love each other alot and want to be with each other but her daughter has a really hard time by it and is hurt by it because i dated her 2 years ago. I know thats kinda wrong but we have been really close friends for a long time and have always been there for each other and we just fell for each other. We both want to work this out really bad but we dont wan to hurt her daughter. We dont know how to make her understand. What should her mom say to her to make her realize that she;s never been happier with me and wants to be with me. I need your advice to make this happen and we cant figure anything out) We dont want to lose each other. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:58am

You can't 'make' her daughter understand or feel anything. She doesn't want you to be involved with her mom. She is still feeling the effects of the divorce.

'hurt by it because i dated her 2 years ago. I know thats kinda wrong'

Do you blame her if she is seeing men come in and out of her life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:36am

Welcome to the board mikeybizzle11,


Just so I'm clear, you are dating an older woman, but awhile back you dated her daughter first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:47am

Welcome to the board mikeybizzle11,


I was also wondering the ages of everyone involved in this. I can understand her daugther being upset. I think it would weird out most people, but I think it is best to let the mom and daughter work this out without involving you in it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 2:12pm
Im 22. The daughter is 20 and the mom is 39. What should I do? She is a single mom. No father figure involved
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 2:29pm

First of all, sometimes people do feel some hurt in situations and there's really nothing we can do, but try to explain. It's not the worst thing in the world if she feels a little upset for awhile. It's not a reason to break up a relationship that's so deeply meaningful for both of you. The daughter needs time to get used to this. You dated her two years ago, so it wasn't just yesterday. Be patient. Don't spend time with her mother in front of her..do it quietly out of her sight. Slowly, she can get used to the situation, little by little. Slowly, you can both spend more time together with her there. She needs to know that her mother loves her and that she will not lose her relationship with her mother over this. Her mother needs to know that as well. Her mother hasn't stolen you away from her, because you dated her awhile ago. Is the daughter dating someone herself? Perhaps when she is happy with someone herself, it will be easier for her to accept this. If the situation creates too much upset and conflict between her and her mother, it would be a good idea for the two of them to go to a counsellor or therapist together to talk it out and work it through. In this way, strong emotions could resolved.


Best wishes to all,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 4:40pm

In my opinion a 39 yr old and a 22yr old don't have enough in common in the stages they are in life to have a good relationship. But I can't say that you shouldn't be together because I don't know enough about your relationship besides your age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 6:18pm
We are both hurt badly because we cant even hangout barely at all or talk on the phone cuz her daughter is around all the time now. Is there any chance of making this work or is even the friendship ruined also because we cant talk or see each other
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mikeybizzle11
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 1:57pm

Well, you're obviously more than "friends", so a frienship at this time, absent the relationship, really isn't an option. As her "friend", would you be able to be cool with meeting a new guy she's dating? Would you be comfortable gushing over a new girl that you're just crazy about?

In my opinion, this mother put her own selfishness in front of what's best for her daughter. I'm the same age as this mom and my son is nearly the same age as you. I would NEVER, EVER date any of his friends. That's just a boundary that I would never consider crossing. I just think it's wrong and I don't blame the daughter for being upset.

The way I see it, the mother is going to have to either see you occasionally, when the daughter is not around (she can go OUT on dates with you, can't she? Her daughter wouldn't come on dates with her!) so the fact that her daughter is "always around" is an excuse. Can the 2 of you hang out at your place? Do you have your own place or are you with your parents? If mom can't manage that, than she will have to choose between you and her daughter. This is mom's deal, not yours.

Are you in school right now? Working? Do you want to have children one day? What is the relationship like? Surely, you must be in very different places in your lives.