i need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
i need help
11
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:02pm
I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP GOING ON 2 YEARS NOW AND NOW MY BF SAYS AFTER US FIGHTING CONSTANTLY FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS THAT HE CAN'T BE AROUND ME IF I DON'T SEEK COUNSELING. IT ALL STARTED WHEN A PERSON OUT OF THE BLUE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME MY BF HAD SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. I WAS SO FURIOUSE WITHOUT LISTENING TO HIS SIDE OF THE STORY I KICKED HIM OUT. WELL HIS BOSS AND FRIENDS KEPT TELLING ME IT DIDN'T HAPPEN SO I LET HIM COME BACK AND HE CONSTANTLY KEPT THROWING IT UP IN MY FACE HOW COULD I BELEIVE TOTAL STRANGERS AND NOT HIM THEN 2 MONTHS LATER HE TEXTED ME TELLING ME HE WAS MAILING MY OUR APARTMENT KEY AND CHANGING HIS NUMBER THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN AND THEN A FEW DAYS LATER HE EMAILED ME SAYING IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO ALWAYS BE MY FAULT I LOVE HIM AND WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW IT COULD. CAN ANYONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ON THIS SITUATION. ON OUR CURRENT SITUATION IS THE HE SAYS I AM A PHSYCO AND THAT I NEED HELP I THINK I AM JUST HURT BY ALL THE REJECTION. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO PLEASE HELP.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 3:21pm

Welcome to the board crushedtw,


Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that calls you a psycho and wants to blame you for everything?


If you really want to stay together, I would tell him that you will go to counseling but you want to go to couples counseling with him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 4:19pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REPLYING.I DON'T HAVE ALOT OF FRIENDS AND MY FRIENDS THAT KNOWS MY BF DOES NOT LIKE HIM. I HAVE ASKED HIM TO GO TO COUSELING WITH ME AND HE THINKS THE PROBLEM IS SOLEY ME THAT IF I FIX ME AND MY ANGER AND ALWAYS ACCUSING HIM OF JUST ANYTHING HE WILL TRY TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP WHAT MAKES ME MAD IS THAT THIS WHOLE FIGHT STARTED OF THE FACT THAT HE LET ONE OF HIS OLD FRIENDS WHO IS A WOMAN BECOME ONE OF HIS FRIENDS ON MYSPACE. WHICH HE MAKES SURE I CAN'T GET INTO AND KNOWS I HAVE TRUST ISSUES WHICH HE SAYS THAT I SHOULD JUST TRUST HIM AND TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD. THAT HE LOVES ME. I HAVE TRIES TO GET OVER MY TRUST ISSUES BUT WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND MY EXHUSBAND LEFT ME BECAUSE HE GOT A GIRL PREGNANT END I CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE KIDS. I DIDN'T FIND OUT THAT WAS WHY HE LEFT UNTIL 6 MONTHS LATER. I CAN'T HELP BUT NOT TRUST HIM HE DOES THINGS THAT MAKES ME WONDER AND WHEN I ASK HE GETS DEFENSIVE AND IT ALWAYS ENDS IN A FIGHT. I KNOW BETTER THAN ALL THIS I AM 33YRS OLD HE IS 24 I SHOULD KNOW THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK. I DO LOVE HIM I KNOW I AM WISHING FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN BUT MY HEART WON'T LET GO JUST YET.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 4:37pm

Please, please stop typing in all caps, I know your keyboard has a caps lock function that you can turn off! :)

You have had a tough life up until now, your ex-marriage seems to be a nightmare and I can understand why you are having trust issues.

If you really think that this boyfriend you're with now is the one, then yes, you should try counseling (by yourself, if he won't go with you) to try to work out your issues with trust.

A 24 year old is in a whole different world and lifetime than someone who is 33. Do you think that this one is going to work out? Does he? I think it's important to understand why you're dating someone much younger, not that it's wrong. What kind of future do you see with this person?

I think that if you are honest with yourself you will realize that you could use some help to try to deal constructively with your past feelings of negative self-worth and trust, rather than sabotaging your relationships. It is not helpful that your boyfriend locks you out of his MySpace, but on the other hand, there would be two ways for him to try to deal with your trust issues... 1) become like an open book to you and risk you getting angry at him for something that might be very trivial, or 2) shut you out of everything to prevent you from seeing anything. I think it's a defensive move on his behalf but doesn't signify that he's doing anything shady.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 4:49pm
Hey i'm sorry for the caplock. Thanks for replying.I think your advice is good you say the same things he says about me having low self worth and my trust issues. I have asked myself the questions about where this is going. We was engaged a few months ago until i kicked him out when that person called me and said he was cheating on me. I had people to tell me that that was not true but i have my doubts and am scared to death of it being true. I want to change and have more self worth i just don't know how and i hope counseling will help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 5:03pm

As a man, I completely understand his decision. No man wants to be attacked and falsely accused based on bogus stories. If you did this over an extended period of time - then he made the right choice as he had enough abuse already.

I do encourage you to work on yourself before you work on your relationships. Your ex is one man and not all men are going to do things just like your ex. It is unfair to hold a different man accountable for the actions of your ex. No relationship will withstand that kind of behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: crushedtw
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:10pm

I totally agree with spice.man...and I'm a woman.

I've gotta tell you, if my parnter believed someone else's story about me cheating and kicked me out without asking my side of the story, I'd break up with them. The word "psycho" would probably cross my lips too. If my partner wanted to try again, and I knew the baggage from their past, I'd also insist they undertake individual counselling....however, I would be extremely dubious about trying again.

In short, I would not return UNLESS the partner did individual counselling to address their trust issues AND conquered them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:43am
i thank you for replying but i found out this moringing i was write i saw pictures of him and his ex girlfriend at a bar drinking and them setting on a bench together after he had told me he never saw or spoke to her it wasn't just me i could feel it how am i ever suppose to trust anybody when this keeps happening to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:50am
like i emaied spice i found pictures of him and his ex girlfriend setting together on a bench and then them at a bar drinking after he told me he had not spoke or talked to her all the feelings i felt was true. i don't know how to trust any body this always keep happening
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:55am
If this keeps happening as you say, the common denominator in this is you. Take some time for yourself learn about yourself and figure out why you keep picking people that do this to you, and change it. You control you and your actions. You need to learn to love and respect yourself first before anyone else can give you love and respect. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: crushedtw
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:04am
you are right i need to be alone and work on me. i have been going to counseling i just get so discouraged and depressed i know its me i am trying i am just in so much pain and my heart won't heal i need time to heal from my pas too.

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