I need help, advice, please !

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
I need help, advice, please !
4
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 5:42am
There has got to be someone on this planet that can help me! I have been in a relationship for 2 years with MM. First we were best friends. He worked were I did. We started intimate relationship after a year. Saw eachother everyday until the company had to do cuts and he was one of them they let go. Then he was coming over everyweek. I am single and divorced. He had some bad luck because of debt problems before he lost his job. I let him borrow money from me. He promised to pay it back! I believed him! Everyone that knows him knows he is a good man. That his wife has not loved him for years and they just stayed together for the kids. He stopped calling me or comming over. We talked about him putting me on hold until he got through this . He and his wife were going to get divorced. He told everyone she was leaving. I called him and cried about him not giving me a warning about the NC. thing. He said he was sorry. Kept promising to call me and never comes through with it! Still more bad luck continues for him. I have not pushed him for the money he owes me. He just tells me he is trying to get it. I called him a week ago and he told me he told his wife everything about us! I asked him why? Because he had always said he didn't want the kids to think the divorce was because of another woman! He said because he wanted her to leave faster! Now it is all out in the open. I told him I love him and he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. He sleeps all the time and doesn't go around people. He is so depressed. His personality has changed. I love him and he loves me. I know he needs some kind of help to get him through this. I told him he should go to the doctor and get on some meds. for it. He just keeps telling me to just let him get through this! I can't see him trying to get through this by himself! He is pushing me away! I need and deserve to know what is going on! He should be keeping in contact with me. I feel like he is giving up on our togetherness because he feels worthless. I can't let that happen. How do I stop the NC. ? How can I show him I am here for him if I can't talk to him? This is a mess! I hurt everyday. He has told me this isn't good bye just on hold! But today is the 61st day of not seeing him! I got to do something! But what? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 6:30am
Is it possible that he can get through one day without thinking about me once? I think of him first thing when I awake and throughout the day. I say a prayer at night for him to be safe before I go to sleep. Is it at all possible that he could put me completely out of his mind?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:34pm
"He said because he wanted her to leave faster!" If she really does not love him why hasn't she left already? If he loves you so much, why does he not leave?

"Now it is all out in the open" The results of which are you not having seen him for two months. What does that tell you? He picked her!

"I told him I love him and he tells me he doesn't know what he wants" Doesn't sound like he's at all commited to any sort of future with you.

"He sleeps all the time and doesn't go around people. He is so depressed. His personality has changed. I know he needs some kind of help to get him through this. I told him he should go to the doctor and get on some meds. for it. He just keeps telling me to just let him get through this! I can't see him trying to get through this by himself!" If he really is depressed then I agree, he needs help but, professional help, family support - not a mistress. (In fact, it could be that the stress of your illicit relationship is a contributing factor to his ill health)

"He is pushing me away! I need and deserve to know what is going on! He should be keeping in contact with me." You do not deserve anything. He should not be keeping in contact with you. He owes you nothing. You are just the mistress. They are his family! She is his wife! As long as they are still living together, you need to butt the heck out as he's asked you to.

"I feel like he is giving up on our togetherness because he feels worthless. I can't let that happen. How do I stop the NC". Maybe he's trying to put his marriage and family back together. Maybe he is trying to separate and does not want it to be because of another woman. It really does not matter *why* he's instituted "No Contact" but, he *has* and if you have any feelings at all for him, you would respect that?

"How can I show him I am here for him if I can't talk to him? This is a mess! I hurt everyday. He has told me this isn't good bye just on hold! But today is the 61st day of not seeing him! I got to do something! But what?" As long as he's with her you must understand that he IS NOT AVAILABLE. It is selfish of him to have you hanging on, pining away for him, sitting in the consulation postition, while he's likely working on his family situation.

Move on. You realize that you are *obsessing* over a lying, cheating, chicken-hearted, adulterer who is legal bound to someone else, don't you? Live your life as though you will never, ever be together. Do yourself a favour (and all us women in the sisterhood) and stay away from other women's husbands. There are millions of single men out there. Go find one. If this guy does show up on your doorstep someday and says, "I'm finally free" you may not even want him. And if you still do, do you really think you could trust him?

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:34am
Wow. As a child of divorce caused by infidelity, some things about the OW always amaze me. I'm not trying to be rude or condescending to your feelings because I'm sure that you're hurting right now, but I can't help but point out a few things:

1. You don't "deserve" anything from him. His vows and promises were made to his wife (you know her....the lady that has his kids and wears his ring?). For you to even imply that he has any obligation to treat you right when your relationship is built on a lie is amazing.

2. Listen to me, ladies...EVERY married man who cheats says the same thing. "My wife and I don't even love each other anymore. We're just together for the kids." It's a sympathy trick. You, as the mistress, are supposed to be the kind, doting lover who rubs his head and coos "aww, poor baby." You wouldn't logically do that if he came in and told the truth...."Well, my wife still loves me but I've been working long hours and neglecting her, so I'm tired of hearing her whine about how we never go anywhere anymore and I'd like to be with another woman to validate me and tell me I'm her hero. Now start worshipping..."

3. If he has stopped contacting you after telling his wife, this should make my point in #2 even stronger. If there realy was no love, he would have told her as he was leaving her. He wouldn't have to "come clean" because if he was leaving, her opinion on the two of you wouldn't matter. He hasn't contacted you because he's trying to put his marriage back together. She probably told him one condition of her not leaving him would be that he had to cut off all contact with you.

and 4. Kids do not stop a man from leaving if he is in love. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. In fact, a man who falls out of love with the mother of his children tends to distance himself from the kids as well. If he was in love with you and ready to committ to you, he would have left her already and explained to the kids the old divorce cliche..."Sometimes mommies and daddies can't get a long but that doesn't mean we love you any less."

Please, for your sanity and your health's sake, let this man go. Let go of the idea that something will come out of this relationship. It's over. It's going to be hard, but you need to move on and find someone who deserves you and can give you what you need and crave...your own relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:09pm
I think that maybe you need to give your boyfriend time but move on with your life to, i know you love and care for your man but you have on with your own life because if you don't you soon will become depressed your self.