I need help figuring out where I stand, please help... Phone calls to another woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
I need help figuring out where I stand, please help... Phone calls to another woman.
Sun, 06-12-2011 - 8:47am

Hello, please help me, I need words of advice.

My husband and I had a baby 8 months ago. We've been through a rough patch over the last few months, dealing with a certain breakdow of our communication, due tu resentment and anger. Both of us were hurt by feeling rejected and unlvoed by the other. However, both of us seem to have a genuine love and affection for one another and it seems that we have been able to overocme our emotional challenges without loosing our mutual love and without turning away from each other.

But, a few weeks ago I desiced to go over his monthly phone records and I discovered that there is one number, that he calls and texts very frequently. I checked in his phone and yes, it is a woman. I have no idea who she is, other that she is his co-worker, maybe even supervisor. He workes security in a huge casino with nearly a 1000 employees, where he speaks and socializes wih many people.

I started obsessively checking the call records several times a day and I even went several months back. The phone calls started las November - as if maybe that woman started working with him then, or he just met her. The phonecalls and texts are pretty random, usually during the day, when he's at work.

He doesn't go out on his own without me very frequently, but there were two instances, where he called her also while he was out - supposedly in a sports bar watching a game. Looking at time when he called her, he must have been pretty drunk, because that's how he kame home shortly - maybe an hour after. I imagine, that - as is his talkitive nature - he's standing outside the bar smoking, making phonecalls to friends, as is his habit. One of these two instances was when he went out afterwe argued and he was pretty mad at me. Regardless, I deduced, that he couldn't have met with her there, as between the time he was calling her and when he came home (maybe and hour or two) he made several other lenghty phonecalls to other (male) friends.

I also cought three text messages on his phone (usually he deletes his texts almost instantly), one to her saying "Good morning lovely. I missed you at work yesterday", and herreply "I worked at the hotel yesterday" and then another one from her - yesterday, when it was his birthday and him and I and several of his friends were going to go celebrate. It just stated "Have fun tonight."

This is driving me crazy. I don't know what to make of it. Is she JUST an co-worker? A friend with no ill will? Although the phone calls and texts are not regular and awfully frequent (about maybe once every 3 or 5 days), afterme, she is the most called number from his phone.

What should I think? How should I wrap my head around it? I'm not a very confrontational person. I'm affraid of asking him, because than he would accuse me of snooping on him and if he's innocent, I think I would offend and anger him greatly. Calling or texting the woman seems equaly at risk of back-firing on me, plus ten I might look like an idiot to everyone... Asking anybody else - like his friends - about who she is? Seems equally stupid... :-(

I've worked with my husband in the past, and I kow that he has this charming, socializing nature. He would compliment and talk nicely to women of all ages - the ones that could be his grandma as well as the really young and attractive ones. I always took it as him just being that kind of friendly,charming guy and somewhat of a flirt, but never really in a serious way, other then just a friendly conversational way... Am I naive?

I love my husband very much and he reasures me day and night, that he loves me very much too. He's (especialy now after our crisis has just past) very attentive and loving towards me (and the baby, of course). And he periodically assureds me, that there are no other women in his life, that he never has and is not intending on cheating on me.

I had to write this down and I would apreciate any kind of input, as I really currently don't have anyone around me that I would feel comfortable discussing this with... I need to gain some perspective and sort this out in my head. Because I feel like it's driving me crazy and I have been swept and tormented by different emotions for days now...

Please help, I'll apprecite your imput.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

A woman snoops when she suspects something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wow, thank you for the reply Fissatore. That felt more like a well intended motherly smack down :) See, I've been with this man for five years and we're raising three kids. We've been through some incredibly rough times and yes we had to work A LOT on communication and we have even been to counseling. Fidelity has sofar never been a problem. ...and now I am wondering, DO I have problem or am I making the problem up in my head, out of anxiety and suspiciousness... My gut instinct is telling me, that he probably (I hope) isn't physically cheating, ...and either has just has a work-frienship going on with this woman, or - and that's what I'm affraid of, is developping some feelings there. Like I said before - towards me, he acts and tells me that I'm his one and only love of his life... Can you see my confliction?
I don't want to wrongly accuse him ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
...but at the same time I DO want to find out, because I'm not one to quietly tolerate infidelity.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I think there are some red flags raised by what you said. That kind of text "good morning lovely, missed you at work..." Is the kind of thing you send to a women you are flirting with, at the least. It definitely smacks of attraction on his part. However it could also mean more. They could already be forming an emoitonal affair.

Another sign, it seems as all this communication only happens when you are not around. As if he is hiding it. If you have to hide it from your spouse then it is inappropriate and crosses the line.

I think it is very likely you are onto something here. I'm not sure what exactly, but I do not think it is nothing and 100% innocent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

It's at least an attraction with flirting, and hopefully hasn't gone any further at this point. Definitely an inappropriate text for a married man to be sending to a female co worker. Also since he is deleting all his texts now, I'd really wonder what else there is that she hasn't seen.