I need help please....!
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I need help please....!
| Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:21am |
My name is PJ. I am writing for anyone with a little bit of understanding about relationships. I've been in a realationship for about 4 years now and I am currently pregnant. I love my man very much but it seems like our relationship has always been rocky. We argue alot. And it always ends up with me being wrong somehow. He says that I'm selfish and that I'll always be that way. I promised him many of times that I would change but I guess I haven't. When I make decisions, I don't take other people into account. I guess it's only about what I want at that time. I don't know how I've become to being so selfish. and as much as I want to change for him, it seems like the minute I don't get my way, I blow up. And I feel so bad because for four years I've been telling him i'll change and for four years it's been a lie because i haven't. At least not enough for our relationship to survive. He is a great guy and it's a damn shame the way i've treated him. I also have a big problem with communicating. I just feel like I'm scared to talk to him and tell him how I really feel and I have no idea why. I want to communicate and understand him. I want to be able to give him everything that he gives me and more. He has changed everything about him for me. He says he feels like he's lost his self in process of trying to please me all the time. He worships the ground I walk and I take it for granted. I love him with al my heart but for the love of god I cannot understand why I act the way I act. I can honestly say that I do and say stupid stuff and I react without thinking about the consequences. I've sat in silence and have tried to understand why I do it but even I couldn't come up with an answer. I think maybe I was so used to him being there and He's put up with it this long, that he probably would just deal with it for as long as we stayed together. Basically what I'm trying to say is he I looked at it as he wasn't going anywhere so I could do what i want, when i wanted to do it with no disregard to his feeling or emotions. We had a argument last night which involved alot of don't touch me and i can't stand you and that sort of thing which resulted in us, i guess, breaking up. He said we weren't together but when I we went to sleep(we have to sleep in the same bed until we come up with a plan as to how to break our rental lease, etc....) he pulled me close to him and started hugging and kissing me and we ended up having sex. I assumed eveything was good but when he got up to go to work in the morning, he gave me a kiss on th forehead before he left. When hi did that i tried to pull close to hug him and he pulled away from me like he didn't want to touch me. So what happened last night then? I don't understand that. I am begging anyone out there to help me understand men and at the very least, the basics of being in a relationship and how to make it(and keep it) healthy. I just want honest feedback cause if I don't start doing something now, I think I'm going to loose the best thing that has ever happened to me.....if I haven't already. I want to know how to break this selfish, non-communicating phase. Explain it to me as if I was a five year old so that have a complete understanding so I'll what not to fo in my next relationship. Hopefully there won't be a next.

Welcome to the board pking1980,
You need to sit down with him when he gets home and ask him about the status of your relationship and if you are still together. Then I would suggest couples counseling to show him that you are willing to change and taking real steps to making that happen.
Relationships are about compromise.
glitter-graphics.com
Hi pking1980 and welcome to the board,
Since you have identified what you want to work on - 'acting' instead of reacting, control issues, then it's time to go to counseling on your own to work on these things.
I'd like to offer you a different way of thinking.
I would suggest that your current state is Internally-Focused. Your life is structured around what you will get and how you will benefit. I challenge you to make a list of all things you believe you are entitled to. Then review that list and see which items require or obligate another person to provide them to you. These are the basic building blocks to what makes a person Internally-Focused.
However, the truth in life is - you are entitled to NOTHING except for what is granted to you under law and what you do for yourself. No person is ever obligated to give to your internally-focused entitlements. Once your accept and embrace this basic concept in life you can evolve to what I would call Externally-Focused.
An Externally-Focused person looks at life from the perspective and self-responsibility of - How can I add value and contribute to the better good of life, people and relationships. This will essentially restructure your relationship into 3 main parts:
1 - You
2 - Him
3 - For the better good of your relationship
The - For the better good of your relationship - needs to become your primary focus. You think, feel, say and do what is best for your relationship so that it becomes equality-based and mutually-beneficial. You will come to understand the absolute joy that comes with making these valued contributions. That joy is significantly greater than the joy of receiving through entitlement and obligation.
It can be done with lots of hard work.
Edited 4/10/2007 10:21 pm ET by spice.man