I need independence...will he forgive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
I need independence...will he forgive?
7
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 11:01pm
Hello everyone.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. We have had an extremely rocky relationship, but most recently, we have been doing ok. I love him, and he loves me. However, I moved in with him at the start of the relationship, when I was having money problems. This place that we live in has never felt like mine, and all clues point to him NEVER leaving or changing any of the layout to further accommodate me or my tastes. ( I pay exactly half of everything BTW) I have, behind his back, found an apartment that I can move into very soon. I am terrified that if I decide to make my own sanctuary, he will see this as a huge threat. His feelings are very easily hurt- (usually TOO much so). However, I see this relationship maybe turning into marriage someday, and feel that a little independence is necessary before i commit to him forever.I dont feel like I am seeing the relationship clearly due to the constant proximity to him. I also would like to add that our relationship has been missing much romance. I do believe that this is in direct relation to the fact that we moved so fast so soon in the relationship. I take much of the blame, but I REALLY need to be in my own space. Please share your thoughts/experiences, and advice. It is greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 11:17pm
How can you consider marrying this guy if the only thing you want to do is move out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 11:31pm
Yes, these are all questions I have asked myself. I blame myself for jumping in so quickly to this relationship and moving in. I have definitely talked with him(calmly and kindly) about changing the layout/etc. His clothing occupies 3 out of the 4 closets we have in the apt. and he does not seem to think it is unfair that he takes that much space. I am over having ww3 arguments about it, and I feel like this is the last resort. I love him. That is why I consider marrying him, but it may just be that i am so far from what a normal communication in a good relationship is, that I dont know what is right anymore. I am very confused, which is why I am needing advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 3:41am

To be honest, moving out is basically the biggest insult you can give someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 7:32am

I agree completely with true.blue.

When you move out, you will be taking your relationship back a huge step. If you really want to get married to this guy, then moving out isn't the answer. Consider for a moment that a married couple can't just solve problems by moving out.

If you want to take a step forward with this guy, and really I don't know if he seems all that great, you'll have to figure out how to solve your differences constructively rather than destructively.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 10:31am

You definitely dont need ww3 arguments over closet space. In the meantime can you find one of those selfstanding closets at a store so that you have enough room for your things?


If your communication is the root of the problem then maybe some couples counseling targetting communication could help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 1:40pm

Welcome to the board eeverb,


I totally agree with true.blue.strine also.


If you move out, how long do you plan on enjoying your independence before you think you want to marry him and if you get married how long before you long for your independence?


Reading material to consider: Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 2:28pm

Love is never enough for a happy and successful marriage. There must also be compatibility, thoughtfulness, good communication, good conflict resolution skills, and consideration for the other. It doesn't sound like you have any of these things with him. Without them, love will die and you will either divorce or stay in a loveless marriage and be miserable for the rest of your life. If you bring children into it, then there will be more lives to suffer the consequences. By all means move out if you're not happy. But don't continue to plan on marrying him.


Surely you can find someone to love who would also be willing to compromise with you. Why would you want to marry someone with whom you have a rocky relationship after only two years, and who doesn't share with you or romance you? When a man loves you, he'll want to give you the moon. Hoarding the closet space won't even cross his mind.