I need real advise...please keep it real
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I need real advise...please keep it real
| Thu, 09-02-2004 - 6:49pm |
I left my husband 4 yrs ago, to live with another man, This "Living with" is the only thing he wants. He asked 4 yrs ago but I said no it was too early. I asked 3 months ago he said let him have a yr. This was after I left and come back. We are not a good couple, actually its been very stressful being with him because of his secrets. He wants nothing to do with my kids........but wants me to be a part of all his past..ex wife and girlfriends included.
I left him for 4 months cuz of cheating. Lost job.....came back. Ex husband was a great provider just demanded I stay at home...I wanted a job. I left looking for greener grasses.
After 4 yrs he still wants me back........New house he bought in hopes...Just dont know if I would be making a huge mistake. I still think about him almost daily. I need help to figure this out. Any honest insight would be helpful..I dont want to hurt him ever again. JD
I left him for 4 months cuz of cheating. Lost job.....came back. Ex husband was a great provider just demanded I stay at home...I wanted a job. I left looking for greener grasses.
After 4 yrs he still wants me back........New house he bought in hopes...Just dont know if I would be making a huge mistake. I still think about him almost daily. I need help to figure this out. Any honest insight would be helpful..I dont want to hurt him ever again. JD

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I don't know the feelings between you and your ex-husband, you'll have to take careful consideration about that, but I know you can't go back to him just because HE loves YOU and bought a house in hopes. Men seem to do that these days. My sisters ex-husband abused her and cheated on her and dragged them into MASSIVE financial debt (unfortunately everything was in her name) and after the divorce he bought a house and almost just expected her to come back. In NO way is that a reason, and I'm sure thats not the only reason you'd go back to him, but don't let that be a factor. I think you just need to find out who you are and what you want from yourself, from a husband, and for your kids.Are you really fine being with a guy that wishes your kids were invisible? That should be priority #1. I don't know all the details but...none of this sounds good. Look deep inside yourself!
If you think of your former husband almost daiily, and are in a clearly bad relationship with this other man, I would certainly make every effort to leave the person with whom you are now unhappy, and being treated unfairly and work on making your life healthy and whole. Clearly, there issues between you and your former husband that need to be resolved, and also, clearly, he still loves and cares for you. Why not go to couple counselling together, talk things out, and see if you can start again? If the two of you learn the tools of healthy, open, honest communication you will be able to work out problems that come up and you will not have to fear hurting him or yourself again.
Give it a try. At the very least you'll learn more about yourself and how to build a life that is fair and constructive for all concerned.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Go with who you love.
Some women would die for a man like your ex-husband. Please don't play with his emotions. It's not fair to him! Was it fair to you when you were cheated on?
To the original poster, your kids should come first. Do what's best for them. And secondly, do what's best for you...I think you'll find the answer to be the same.
I am scared to go back...dont want to stay...I am not a young woman, not old, but its time to settle down.
I know that no one can make up my mind and you did have very good ideas but he wont do it.
Claims we can work it out ourself. I just kind of need insight.
I have a daughter who read between the lines...ergo they were like mixing fire and
gas. Very explosive. Thats why he doesnt have anything to do with her.
She wont visit because of him. Its been soooo unreeal the last 4 yrs.
As for his exs....he says he gets along better after the fact and now they can
friends. He thinks I should also be freindly...DONT THINK SO. I have my own friends and
thats enough. This one, Who he swore that they were just friends, He met he on the computer, shes married but you wouldnt know it. She spends all her time on here, in adult chat rooms, I met her and everything was cool...I asked them both if they had ever........been more
then friends and they both swore NO. He said hed tie up his Buddy as he so likes to call
it. He said shes nice but shes nasty,,appearance and cleanliness wise.. and he wouldnt never ever F**k something like that. Well truth be known.....Im good at snooping on computer and getting into files that no one other than microsoft knows exists, I busted on them.
When I confronted him....he swore, cryed, begged and pleaded that I beleive that
he wouldnt never have anything to do with her...Well I had enough. I left for 4
months. There wasnt enough that he couldnt, wouldnt do for me. Begged me for another
chance. We were talking about it when my job collaped.
Well....with my job I was barely making it. No money no apt. So I finally relented.
I moved back. Made sure to tell him if I came back he was never to talk to her again. Regreted moving back ever since, But I guess you can call it my penance. I dated while I was away from him. But didnt like anyone I met. There all the same they think they have to have game or some crap.
I beleive hes still talking to her from a friends home. No way to find out..after all they are his freinds. Long history.
As for my ex......Hes the type of man who wants it old fasioned....wife be at home.
It was cool when I was raising the kids. All I wanted was a part time job.
Then he started on my friends.......I DONT THINK SO!!! There was minor things that turned major...then When and only ......it got to the worst, he decided to move in the basement,
did I cheat on him. I was wrong as so many of us are. I regret it more than anything I ever did in my life. I had security, stability....He just didnt want to listen and Im afraid that once I go back it will trap me again. thats why.........IM scared to go back.
gas. Very explosive. Thats why he doesnt have anything to do with her.
She wont visit because of him. Its been soooo unreeal the last 4 yrs. >>
Lets see, when your ex started in on your friends, your reaction was "I DONT THINK SO!!!" When your bf wanted you to be friends with his ex's, your reaction was "I DON'T THINK SO'. But when your DAUGHTER!!! who you say can read between the lines which I take to mean that she can see pretty clearly the kind of guy your bf is & has an explosive relationship with him & as such won't VISIT!!!, your response is to spend 4 years with him. I have to tell you, I don't get you. It would seem to me that your priorities are quite a bit screwed up.
<> & <>.
Read those 2 statements. Does that tell you anything? You don't really want EITHER of them. So go learn to be on your own (Don't use the excuse 'I tried but it did't work-try again!). EVERYBODY needs to be ok on their own. This is very important in life.
By the way, who cares what your bf is doing with others. You don't even really like him or want to be with him anyway! And as for your ex, you don't even like what he is offering (financial security but having to play the role of 'at home wife' in order to get it).
Has it been you intention to teach your daughter that it is better to live with someone you don't want to be with (bf & ex) because it is too hard to be on your own? Because you are AFRAID of being on your own? Is that the legacy you are leaving her? Because your actions are clearly modeling that behavior. Are you willing to sell out your soul for money (that is what you really mean by security)? Are you suggesting that your daughter sell out her soul for money? Because that is what you are modeling for her. By your own actions, you are telling her that this is the way to live.
You need to go get some individual counseling to learn how to stand up on your own 2 feet. That is the best advice I could give you.
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