I need real advise...please keep it real

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I need real advise...please keep it real
10
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 6:49pm
I left my husband 4 yrs ago, to live with another man, This "Living with" is the only thing he wants. He asked 4 yrs ago but I said no it was too early. I asked 3 months ago he said let him have a yr. This was after I left and come back. We are not a good couple, actually its been very stressful being with him because of his secrets. He wants nothing to do with my kids........but wants me to be a part of all his past..ex wife and girlfriends included.

I left him for 4 months cuz of cheating. Lost job.....came back. Ex husband was a great provider just demanded I stay at home...I wanted a job. I left looking for greener grasses.

After 4 yrs he still wants me back........New house he bought in hopes...Just dont know if I would be making a huge mistake. I still think about him almost daily. I need help to figure this out. Any honest insight would be helpful..I dont want to hurt him ever again. JD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:48am
You may want to read through your post a couple of times...slowly, in serious thought, because nothing about this "living with" guy seems right. He wants nothing to do with your kids...your children...a huge part of you. He wants you to have something to do with his ex's? What part of these ex's does he want you to be a part of? The fact that he's cheated on you ALONE should be enough to tell you to exit that so-called relationship fast!

I don't know the feelings between you and your ex-husband, you'll have to take careful consideration about that, but I know you can't go back to him just because HE loves YOU and bought a house in hopes. Men seem to do that these days. My sisters ex-husband abused her and cheated on her and dragged them into MASSIVE financial debt (unfortunately everything was in her name) and after the divorce he bought a house and almost just expected her to come back. In NO way is that a reason, and I'm sure thats not the only reason you'd go back to him, but don't let that be a factor. I think you just need to find out who you are and what you want from yourself, from a husband, and for your kids.Are you really fine being with a guy that wishes your kids were invisible? That should be priority #1. I don't know all the details but...none of this sounds good. Look deep inside yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 10:47am
Well if i were in your situation the first thing i would do is ask myself if you want him back because you miss his security or do you miss being with him. If your thinking about him because of the security then you might want to think about just being on your own for a while but if you feel like you miss him becasue you love im then i would consider getting back with him but only if your sure, you dont want to hurt him again.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 12:04pm

If you think of your former husband almost daiily, and are in a clearly bad relationship with this other man, I would certainly make every effort to leave the person with whom you are now unhappy, and being treated unfairly and work on making your life healthy and whole. Clearly, there issues between you and your former husband that need to be resolved, and also, clearly, he still loves and cares for you. Why not go to couple counselling together, talk things out, and see if you can start again? If the two of you learn the tools of healthy, open, honest communication you will be able to work out problems that come up and you will not have to fear hurting him or yourself again.


Give it a try. At the very least you'll learn more about yourself and how to build a life that is fair and constructive for all concerned.


Best wishes.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:53pm
I think you should be with who you truly love and care for and who you are happy with. You said yourself that the guy you are "living with" and you are not a good couple. Did you feel like you were a good couple with your ex? Is he willing to let you work now?

Go with who you love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:19pm
You need to be honest with yourself. No one can answer this question for you. But, it would be really f***ed up to play with your ex-husband's emotions again, just for your own personal security. And think of the karma that would come back to haunt you, if you did this just for yourself and not taking anyone else into consideration. Well, now that I think about it- you already experienced bad karma from your actions. You left your ex-husband for another man, who cheated on you! That's irony.


Some women would die for a man like your ex-husband. Please don't play with his emotions. It's not fair to him! Was it fair to you when you were cheated on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:25pm
Wouldn't that be Karma, not Irony (if you believe in that)?

To the original poster, your kids should come first. Do what's best for them. And secondly, do what's best for you...I think you'll find the answer to be the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:39pm
I think it's Karma and irony. I mean, she left to be with someone else, and that someone else cheated on her. I find both within this scenario. To the OP has any of what we've said helped you? Take a step back, look at your life and what you want and who you love and take it from there before anyone else gets hurt!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:37pm
My ex also had a affair, meaningless as they were to him. But he was a good person, things just got out of hand and I really "thought" I loved the other one, when it all went down, what I needed at that time was my own space. I later found out this one is deveious, secretive and a liar. Caught up on it and still lies..........denys. I have tryed my own space...that didnt work.

I am scared to go back...dont want to stay...I am not a young woman, not old, but its time to settle down.

I know that no one can make up my mind and you did have very good ideas but he wont do it.

Claims we can work it out ourself. I just kind of need insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 11:15pm
To start with.B/F..He is Mr. Know it all, Mr. Wisdom....

I have a daughter who read between the lines...ergo they were like mixing fire and

gas. Very explosive. Thats why he doesnt have anything to do with her.

She wont visit because of him. Its been soooo unreeal the last 4 yrs.

As for his exs....he says he gets along better after the fact and now they can

friends. He thinks I should also be freindly...DONT THINK SO. I have my own friends and

thats enough. This one, Who he swore that they were just friends, He met he on the computer, shes married but you wouldnt know it. She spends all her time on here, in adult chat rooms, I met her and everything was cool...I asked them both if they had ever........been more

then friends and they both swore NO. He said hed tie up his Buddy as he so likes to call

it. He said shes nice but shes nasty,,appearance and cleanliness wise.. and he wouldnt never ever F**k something like that. Well truth be known.....Im good at snooping on computer and getting into files that no one other than microsoft knows exists, I busted on them.

When I confronted him....he swore, cryed, begged and pleaded that I beleive that

he wouldnt never have anything to do with her...Well I had enough. I left for 4

months. There wasnt enough that he couldnt, wouldnt do for me. Begged me for another

chance. We were talking about it when my job collaped.

Well....with my job I was barely making it. No money no apt. So I finally relented.

I moved back. Made sure to tell him if I came back he was never to talk to her again. Regreted moving back ever since, But I guess you can call it my penance. I dated while I was away from him. But didnt like anyone I met. There all the same they think they have to have game or some crap.

I beleive hes still talking to her from a friends home. No way to find out..after all they are his freinds. Long history.

As for my ex......Hes the type of man who wants it old fasioned....wife be at home.

It was cool when I was raising the kids. All I wanted was a part time job.

Then he started on my friends.......I DONT THINK SO!!! There was minor things that turned major...then When and only ......it got to the worst, he decided to move in the basement,

did I cheat on him. I was wrong as so many of us are. I regret it more than anything I ever did in my life. I had security, stability....He just didnt want to listen and Im afraid that once I go back it will trap me again. thats why.........IM scared to go back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 2:28pm
<
gas. Very explosive. Thats why he doesnt have anything to do with her.

She wont visit because of him. Its been soooo unreeal the last 4 yrs. >>

Lets see, when your ex started in on your friends, your reaction was "I DONT THINK SO!!!" When your bf wanted you to be friends with his ex's, your reaction was "I DON'T THINK SO'. But when your DAUGHTER!!! who you say can read between the lines which I take to mean that she can see pretty clearly the kind of guy your bf is & has an explosive relationship with him & as such won't VISIT!!!, your response is to spend 4 years with him. I have to tell you, I don't get you. It would seem to me that your priorities are quite a bit screwed up.

<> & <>.

Read those 2 statements. Does that tell you anything? You don't really want EITHER of them. So go learn to be on your own (Don't use the excuse 'I tried but it did't work-try again!). EVERYBODY needs to be ok on their own. This is very important in life.

By the way, who cares what your bf is doing with others. You don't even really like him or want to be with him anyway! And as for your ex, you don't even like what he is offering (financial security but having to play the role of 'at home wife' in order to get it).

Has it been you intention to teach your daughter that it is better to live with someone you don't want to be with (bf & ex) because it is too hard to be on your own? Because you are AFRAID of being on your own? Is that the legacy you are leaving her? Because your actions are clearly modeling that behavior. Are you willing to sell out your soul for money (that is what you really mean by security)? Are you suggesting that your daughter sell out her soul for money? Because that is what you are modeling for her. By your own actions, you are telling her that this is the way to live.

You need to go get some individual counseling to learn how to stand up on your own 2 feet. That is the best advice I could give you.

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