I need real advise...please keep it real

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I need real advise...please keep it real
10
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 6:49pm
I left my husband 4 yrs ago, to live with another man, This "Living with" is the only thing he wants. He asked 4 yrs ago but I said no it was too early. I asked 3 months ago he said let him have a yr. This was after I left and come back. We are not a good couple, actually its been very stressful being with him because of his secrets. He wants nothing to do with my kids........but wants me to be a part of all his past..ex wife and girlfriends included.

I left him for 4 months cuz of cheating. Lost job.....came back. Ex husband was a great provider just demanded I stay at home...I wanted a job. I left looking for greener grasses.

After 4 yrs he still wants me back........New house he bought in hopes...Just dont know if I would be making a huge mistake. I still think about him almost daily. I need help to figure this out. Any honest insight would be helpful..I dont want to hurt him ever again. JD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 2:45am

i don't know if you are ready to hear this - but here it goes.


(and i apologize in advance if anything i say hurts you - that is not my intention - i only speak from my OWN experiences)


YOU are NEVER going to be in a good, healthy relationship until YOU grab YOUR life by the horns and put things in order. the problem is not - and never has been - your husband or your bf or any of your dates. your problem is YOU. and its SO much easier to say things like - he cheated on me, he was abusive, he was controlling - because all these things are TRUE, but all that you are succeeding in doing is MASKING the truth, and that is that YOU are the one who is in trouble here. and NOTHING will EVER make sense in your life until YOU take responsibility for your life and put things in order.


and again, i have totally BTDT - i got married TWICE to controlling, mean, abusive men, so of COURSE i eventually left them, because THEY were horrible ----- but it took TWO marriages (and almost losing my son in the process) to understand that *I* was the one who made the choice to marry these men. and *I* was the one who had to take control over my life. and i finally did. and it wasn't an easy process - because my life was full of "other" issues - but i finally did it. and I wouldn't have been able to do anything had i not gone to therapy and began to understand the processes in MY life that got me there in the first place.


so - that is my suggestion to you - IF you are really at "that place" in your life. get help for yourself. DON'T waste any more time thinking about this guy or that guy - going back to husband or not - because these issues are just MASKING the real problems.


and i know - you have no money, and no insurance - but this is what you need to do. before you take one more step in the wrong direction....


good luck honey

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