i need to save my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
i need to save my marriage
10
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:59pm
ive been with the same man for almost five years. We have been married 1 1/2 years. I met him in a very unhappy time in his life and picked up the pieces.(he was married before she cheated on him). Ive just realized that im not very happy. I think subconsciencly longer than i knew. He loves me and I love him im just not sure if im in love with him. He told me that i was the center of his universe and i dont really know if i want to be. I dont know if i want to be alone. I know i want to finish college (im 23 yrs old). He said that he doesnt know how he can go through something like this again. I told him i wasnt cheating on him. Im just very confused. I dont know if i should have gotten married in the first place. I need some advice big time
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:24pm

hugs, sorry you are so sad.... you want some advice - here is some advice:


first of all - if you are not sure that you are going to stay in this marriage - please make sure that you are taking BC so that you don't bring a child into this mess.


second - are you sad in your MARRIAGE or in your LIFE? sometimes its hard to know the difference. sometimes we are frustrated with our lives in general, but we don't know what we need/want. so we think: "if i just then all will be well". is there something specific that you are unhappy with IN THE MARRIAGE - money, sex, violence?


if you are not sure - try a few sessions with a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 4:58pm
its not my marriage that is making me unhappy. Its not my husband, he is a wonderful man. I know i love him, but if i have to ask myself if i am in love with him, am I?

He told me i was his reason for getting up in the morning. I dont want to be the center of his universe. Is that wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:00pm
Honestly it sounds like your husband needs some therapy and you two need to have a healthy balanced relationship. It makes me nervous when someone states that another person is the reason for their living. He sounds depressed and you seem distressed that he is so dependent on you. I don't blame you.

What else does he have going on in his life. Is he happy at work, school, with friends, hobbies, etc? What about you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:50pm
he seems happy in his job and his friends. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder/depression. i think everything on my shoulders,you know having to make sure everything is done, paid what have you. I miss my friends i never see them. I used to love to go out to clubs with my girlfriends but it seems forever since ive done that. Ive realized that im not happy in the way my life is going. its like my life is moving forward dragging me with it. Im spending a few days alone to reevaluate. I told my husband that somewhere along the line, ive lost me and now i want to find me again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:26am
Before you step out of the marriage, start taking steps to get the life you want. Start going out with your friends, take a few college classes, work toward making a better you. In terms of asking yourself if you love him, keep in mind that depression dulls ALL emotion, including love. No one who is in the midst of a depression can feel love, they can't feel anything but sadness and fear. DEFINITELY DO NOT make any life altering decisions (like divorce) until you have taken steps to relieve your depression. A therapist is a good idea here, but you can start making changes toward your idea of a good life on your own. Once you make those changes and are pretty happy with the rest of your life, re-evaluate your marriage to see if it can be saved.

As for him saying you are his world, that is a very scary thing for someone to hear who feels her world is pretty sh!!!y. You can't even hold your own world together, much less his. So let him know that when he says that you get scared and uncomfortable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:28am

you have taken an important step by

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:05am

Yes, you can most certainly be in love with your husband and question whether or not you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:54pm
thanks all for your tips. I am on medication for my anxiety/depression. I have been on them since last year and if you could of seen me last year boy i dont even want to see me last year. im taking time to realize what i want out of my marriage and am going to have a long talk when i get home. i am also taking time to realize what i want to do to make my life worth living. I want to do so many things its scary. but its scarier to think that i had fallen so deeply into a "rut" that i felt i couldnt get out without getting out. I told my husband when i went on this few days alone that "I felt like i was in a rut, and just couldnt climb out" thank all of you for your suggestions they are greatly appreciated. Happy New Year
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:16pm
The way you feel is the way you feel.

However, it sounds like you have a good husband. I think a lot the women hear would love dearly to have a husband like yours.

I suggest that you should go to therapy and to marriage counselling.

Don't screw up a good thing.

And my wife is my world too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:56pm
Staying *in love* with someone takes nurturing, sharing, giving, loving - it isn't a state in which you stay without that nurturing, sharing, giving, loving, etc.

Reading material to consider:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Have him read a few of these with you....being someone's reason to get up in the morning, read that them depending on you for their happiness is a huge burden. Happiness comes from within, not from another person, place or thing.

Since you are in college, check into the free counseling available on campus.


Carrie