I NEED SERIOUS HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
I NEED SERIOUS HELP
8
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:27pm
I have been in a rather lovely relationship for over three years. My boyfriend and I have known each other since college, but our relationship didn’t start until we were both 26 years old and working professionals in a big city. I was excited about it at first because I thought (and to an extent still do) believe he has all the qualities a spouse should posses. I love him and made a conscious decision that no matter what I would make it work and it was working. I was happy and content. Even though my attraction to him was limited to kissing and hugging, he has been nothing but kind, loving, gentle and respectful. He has issues with his parents and was abandoned by his mother in a vicious way. Due to this he has problems trusting women and, of course, a fear of commitment. I stuck it through and though there’s nothing we can’t work out. His priorities were making money to support his future family by working insane hours so that what happened to him when his parents divorced wouldn’t happen to him. It was never clear to me that I was the one he was planning on marrying, but it wasn’t clear that I wasn’t either. All of this, because of our 10-year friendship, I knew before getting into the relationship. In essence, I’m wondering know whether I got into it because I thought and still think he’s a great catch and it was time to get married. 7 months ago I met another man with whom I instantly connected both physically and intellectually. My feelings for this other person grew to the point where I was fearful of cheating on my boyfriend. Then….my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me—with a prostitute. I felt disappointment, not anger. I thought “maybe this is my way out, the universe telling me to be with this other guy”. I promptly “took a break” from my boyfriend but have been with him through an incredibly debilitating HIV scare. It’s been over 6 months, he’s clean, and I’m wiped out. I eventually succumbed to the other man and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Our sexually chemistry is beyond belief, he is what I’ve always wanted intellectually and emotionally and what’s best, he’s absolutely in love with me and has no problem telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. With him, I feel and I know that I am number one. I didn’t believe in “soulmates” until I met him. The other man has known everything about what’s going on with my boyfriend, and he’s been incredibly supportive, the best friend anyone cold ever ask for, and has not put any pressure on me. I am torn now because I feel like I’ve cheated on my boyfriend, and because of these feelings of guilt I “broke up” with the other one. I am torn, and miserable. Three months of therapy can only help so much. I think I know what the right decision is, but I am so afraid of making it and letting go. Can someone please help me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:48pm
Whoa, so you think you cheated though you were on a break? I don't think that's the real issue. I think you feel guilty for having met someone else and having better chemistry and would probably be happier with the new guy, etc yet you don't want to 'abandon' the other one. Yet, you have to realize, his issues are his issues. He has so many issues that you cannot fix, EVER. He's not a project, not a stray cat, doesn't need nursing, but needs to find it within himself to help himself. Don't fall into the co-dependent trap. He'd be a life-long project that wouldn't really get better. He went to a prostitute - sex without intimacy, so he has intimacy issues as well. He had an HIV scare, what if he brought something home to you.

I know you don't want to hurt him, but for your own happiness and your own life, do what you know you must.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:48pm
I am going to tell you to go with the new man. I know that sounds blunt, but your boyfriend has cheated on you and my view of cheating is that if he did it that one time and you take him back, then he will most likely do it again because you taking him back tells him: "go ahead - cheat on me and I will forgive you."

Plus he had to go find that prositute, he had to pay money for her, and he put his own life and yours in danger... even using protection is not 100$ proof and he has shown he has no regard for your feelings or health.

You said your "sexual chemistry" with the new guy is great so I am assuming you have cheated and had sex. This is telling you that you aren't happy in your relationship and you should get out now before wasting any more time with someone who you have cheated on, and he has cheated on you. I know you feel guilty, but once you get rid of the boyfriend you have cheated on, you will feel better. You don't have to confess. Just end the relationship and move on and resolve to never cheat again in your future relationships.

**I am not saying that no one should be with someone with problems. It's not your boyfriend's fault that his mom abandoned him and he has all these issues, but do you really want to deal with that the rest of your life? Wouldn't you rather be with new guy, since you 2 click and you feel he is the "a best friend" to you. Just because you have invested time in this old relationship does not mean that you have to stay. I have talked to so many women who say: "but we have been together so long and I will feel like i wasted so much time"..

my response is if you realize you are driving down the wrong road, do you reverse and go the right way or just keep driving in the wrong direction til you run out of gas? there are women out there that have invested 20-30 years in marriage only to see it end. It does not matter how long you have been together, what matters is what makes you happy.

But I would caution from jumping relationship to relationship. I do think you should end your relationship with your current boyfriend and just stay friends with the new guy.. don't rush into marriage talk to serious stuff. Try to take it slow that way the relationships don't overlap too much. It's never healthy to always have to have a boyfriend.

You said you broke up with the new guy? I think I am reading that right... well go back and apologize and start a friendship with him again.

Glad to hear you are in therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:30pm
Thanks, batharine and itwinflame, for taking me and my issues seriously. Here's a bit of clarification. I never did officially go back to my boyfriend but have been with him through his tough times--tough for me, too. I spend time with him and have tried to mend my relationship but my heart hasn't been in it. What I'm afraid to admit to myself is that if this other guy weren't around, I would stay with the boyfriend--yes, I am afraid of being alone but I am working on it. My bf has been in threapy indeed. Once the prostitute affair happened (at a bachelor "party" with just my bf and the groom), he never once laid his hands on me. In fact, we haven't been together since--not even a sloppy kiss, he has been extremly cautious. I feel guilty because I feel like I've let him down, abandoned him, and have been thinking of this other guy when I should be mending my former relationship. While I could appease myself and say well, technically it's not cheating, it catches up to me and I feel ashamed for handling things the way I have, and in my heart I know that I have cheated. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:35pm
He cheated and you think you should have mended the relationship? Then you 'gave in' to a nice guy and you feel you cheated? NO, no, no.... you may feel it, but it doesn't make it so. It's the guilt talking. Guilt of wanting out, of not wanting to work on the relationship.

Turn the G in guilt into a G for Gratitude. Find something to be grateful for.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:57pm
You're right about the root of my guilt. But doesn't that say something? Maybe I am meant to stay with my bf? Is a one night stand that bad? Lord, I'm so confused. This episode is so so so unlike him I was shocked when he told me. What the heck am I holding on to? And more importantly, is the man I am meant to be with slipping by during my delusion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:55pm
Is a one night stand bad? Not if you are single and not in a committed relationship, I mean you are consenting adults right? But he WAS in an exclusive, committed relationship (well, if he was he wouldn't have CHEATED on you).

So you'd stay with him out of guilt? Hon, please go to counseling. Please. Would you want someone to stay with you out of guilt, pity or out of obligation due to 'time put in' to the relationship? Wouldn't you rather it be mutual - mutual love, admiration, attraction, passion, caring, consideration, etc.?

::is the man I am meant to be with slipping by during my delusion?

Could be, you can't expect him to be 'understanding' forever while you fight your demons. Therefore fight those demons in counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:24pm
Just remeber the grass is always greener on the other side. I don't really agree with itwinflame but I'm not saying she's wrong either. all I can say is that your ex did have enough respect for you to tell you the truth. you also have to sit and think have you always felt this way about your ex, or is it just that you two hit the "comfort zone" if thats all it is even just doing little things might be able to bring the passion back. but if it was never really there then you and only can deside witch is love and witch is lust. don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's o.k. to cheat on some one but we're only human we do make mistakes, and if you going to condem some one for it then thats pretty pathetic. I'd also be willing to bet that since you said it was at a bachelor party I'm guessing there was alcohol involed. now I also know that's not an exuse but any one who's been drunk has also felt that emotions seem to be amplified quite a bit and our reasoning goes out the window. but I do agree with the fact that you need to be single for a while and be true to your self first. then deside who you want to be with and don't just go rushing from one relation ship to another. I hope this helps you a little and not confuse you even more but I hate it when people jsut say give up and move on. and every one wonders why the divorce rate is so high now nobody even try's to make thing work any more they just roller and let things die
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:17pm
It is not just a one night stand that is the problem. He went to a prostitute, he has abandonment issues, he has a fear of intimacy and honestly the way you described the relationship before you mentioned the other guy soudned more like a friendship. Everything was fine and he met the requirements for a husband on paper.

Then you met a man who you fell in love with. Why ruin that? Why be codependent and go back to a project of a relationship, spending your life trying to save him and convince him that you won't abandon him and taking responsibility for his mistakes??? You are not his mommy, therapist, nurse or teacher.

Think of yourself first here.