I NEED SERIOUS HELP
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I NEED SERIOUS HELP
| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:27pm |
I have been in a rather lovely relationship for over three years. My boyfriend and I have known each other since college, but our relationship didn’t start until we were both 26 years old and working professionals in a big city. I was excited about it at first because I thought (and to an extent still do) believe he has all the qualities a spouse should posses. I love him and made a conscious decision that no matter what I would make it work and it was working. I was happy and content. Even though my attraction to him was limited to kissing and hugging, he has been nothing but kind, loving, gentle and respectful. He has issues with his parents and was abandoned by his mother in a vicious way. Due to this he has problems trusting women and, of course, a fear of commitment. I stuck it through and though there’s nothing we can’t work out. His priorities were making money to support his future family by working insane hours so that what happened to him when his parents divorced wouldn’t happen to him. It was never clear to me that I was the one he was planning on marrying, but it wasn’t clear that I wasn’t either. All of this, because of our 10-year friendship, I knew before getting into the relationship. In essence, I’m wondering know whether I got into it because I thought and still think he’s a great catch and it was time to get married. 7 months ago I met another man with whom I instantly connected both physically and intellectually. My feelings for this other person grew to the point where I was fearful of cheating on my boyfriend. Then….my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me—with a prostitute. I felt disappointment, not anger. I thought “maybe this is my way out, the universe telling me to be with this other guy”. I promptly “took a break” from my boyfriend but have been with him through an incredibly debilitating HIV scare. It’s been over 6 months, he’s clean, and I’m wiped out. I eventually succumbed to the other man and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Our sexually chemistry is beyond belief, he is what I’ve always wanted intellectually and emotionally and what’s best, he’s absolutely in love with me and has no problem telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. With him, I feel and I know that I am number one. I didn’t believe in “soulmates” until I met him. The other man has known everything about what’s going on with my boyfriend, and he’s been incredibly supportive, the best friend anyone cold ever ask for, and has not put any pressure on me. I am torn now because I feel like I’ve cheated on my boyfriend, and because of these feelings of guilt I “broke up” with the other one. I am torn, and miserable. Three months of therapy can only help so much. I think I know what the right decision is, but I am so afraid of making it and letting go. Can someone please help me?

I know you don't want to hurt him, but for your own happiness and your own life, do what you know you must.
Carrie
Plus he had to go find that prositute, he had to pay money for her, and he put his own life and yours in danger... even using protection is not 100$ proof and he has shown he has no regard for your feelings or health.
You said your "sexual chemistry" with the new guy is great so I am assuming you have cheated and had sex. This is telling you that you aren't happy in your relationship and you should get out now before wasting any more time with someone who you have cheated on, and he has cheated on you. I know you feel guilty, but once you get rid of the boyfriend you have cheated on, you will feel better. You don't have to confess. Just end the relationship and move on and resolve to never cheat again in your future relationships.
**I am not saying that no one should be with someone with problems. It's not your boyfriend's fault that his mom abandoned him and he has all these issues, but do you really want to deal with that the rest of your life? Wouldn't you rather be with new guy, since you 2 click and you feel he is the "a best friend" to you. Just because you have invested time in this old relationship does not mean that you have to stay. I have talked to so many women who say: "but we have been together so long and I will feel like i wasted so much time"..
my response is if you realize you are driving down the wrong road, do you reverse and go the right way or just keep driving in the wrong direction til you run out of gas? there are women out there that have invested 20-30 years in marriage only to see it end. It does not matter how long you have been together, what matters is what makes you happy.
But I would caution from jumping relationship to relationship. I do think you should end your relationship with your current boyfriend and just stay friends with the new guy.. don't rush into marriage talk to serious stuff. Try to take it slow that way the relationships don't overlap too much. It's never healthy to always have to have a boyfriend.
You said you broke up with the new guy? I think I am reading that right... well go back and apologize and start a friendship with him again.
Glad to hear you are in therapy.
Turn the G in guilt into a G for Gratitude. Find something to be grateful for.
Carrie
So you'd stay with him out of guilt? Hon, please go to counseling. Please. Would you want someone to stay with you out of guilt, pity or out of obligation due to 'time put in' to the relationship? Wouldn't you rather it be mutual - mutual love, admiration, attraction, passion, caring, consideration, etc.?
::is the man I am meant to be with slipping by during my delusion?
Could be, you can't expect him to be 'understanding' forever while you fight your demons. Therefore fight those demons in counseling.
Carrie
Then you met a man who you fell in love with. Why ruin that? Why be codependent and go back to a project of a relationship, spending your life trying to save him and convince him that you won't abandon him and taking responsibility for his mistakes??? You are not his mommy, therapist, nurse or teacher.
Think of yourself first here.