I need some advise.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
I need some advise.........
6
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:40pm
I need help. I think I've ruined my relationship/feelings. My b/f and I have been together for 4 yrs and we are engaged. We live together. I am divorced with a 9 yr old and my b/f has a 21 yr old. Mine lives with us and his lives with him mom. I feel that his 21 yr old still expects too much from mom and dad. He doesn't have a real 9 to 5 job but works 2-3 days w/mom. He says he looking for another job since he doesn't make very much w/mom. He also has a child which he just started paying child support (they're split up too). He is always calling his dad needing money. I get tired of it. In the beginning it was every time we turned around he needed money for something. My b/f has gotten better about telling his son no but when he does he feels guilty. We fight about this non stop. I don't know if I'm wrong about not wanting to give his son the money when he ask or not. His dad helped him get a job and he only kept it for 2 wks. So here my thery. I don't want to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. So am I wrong or right. What should I do. Please help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:17am
mlilbit...

The 21-year old ISN'T your concern...it's your b/f's! And unless you feel that your b/f isn't supporting you and your 9-year old adequately...BUTT OUT!

You might not like the fact that a full-grown adult is still "sponging" off his Dad, but "sonny-boy" was part of the deal when you (and his Father) got together in the first place!!! The fact that your b/f is also a GRANDDAD makes the issue even more complicated...and I'll bet he has a great deal of concern for his grandchild...even though the baby isn't physically present!

You owe your b/f two things: AN APOLOGY and A PROMISE THAT YOU'LL LET HIM HANDLE HIS GROWN-UP SON WITHOUT ANY ARGUMENTS FROM YOU!

Pianoguy


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:57pm
While I agree with pianoguy I would also add, isn't it sad to watch someone you love being taken advantage of espeically when you know it stems from guilt. Your bf has the golden opportunity to give his son living skills by withdrawing unreasonable support and making the 'kid' fend for himself and GROW UP. And the golden opportunity to get rid of his guilt. Please consider pre-martial counseling to discuss the issue in front of a neutral 3rd party.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 3:53pm
Ok... yeah I knew this when I got into the relationship. But I didn't realize it was going to turn out like this. And yeah maybe I've been a little harsh. But our money is together and I do have the right since we live on a tight budget and sometimes I feel like we do w/out. And his son sits over there and sleeps till noon and then wonders why dad can't help him out. All I'm trying to do it help him to help his son grow up and be responsible. His mother is still doing too much for him and it's not teaching him anything. If he was actually trying to make it and was struggling then things would be different. I was raised different. I guess that's why I have such a hard time w/it. I am considering going to couseling b/4 marriage though. Thanks for the advise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:27pm
I found this on Dr Phil's site:

'Don't Be a Mooch!'

They beg, borrow and count on others to pay their way. These family freeloaders get busted by Dr. Phil because the buck stops here!

http://www.drphil.com/show/show.jhtml?contentId=3037_bemooch.xml



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:10pm
Thanks a bunch!! This may come in handy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:53am
Abraham Lincoln said it best You cannot do for others what they can and should do for them selves

While helping others when they get in a bind can lead them in a direction to change but is sounds like his son is needing more than a final lesson but still lacks many. As long as he gets help from others he will not rationalize he himself must do more to improve his situation.

Some time the best help one can give is simply to do nothing but one must be prepared fro the kicking and screaming that may result