I need some answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
I need some answers
11
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:54am
My bf and I have been living together for the past year with his mother. We rented a 2 bedroom apartment and split everything 3 ways. The lease on the apartment is up August 1 and some decisions have to be made concerning where we are moving because his mother is not moving with us this time. A few months ago, he suggested that he move with his dad and I with my mom so we could save money. I nixed the idea and last week we talked about getting an apartment and nothing came up about moving in with our parents again until today. I am quite upset about this as I attend college full time and can't move back in with my mom since her place is to small and my dad lives out of state. My bf is worried he can't afford the rent which of course will be higher since it would be split in half instead of 3 ways. I don't know what to do. It seems like its always about money. He has a good job and I pay my own way so I don't know what the problem is here. His work was slow during the winter months and he got behind on some of his bills while he was collecting unemployment. Any help or suggestions on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated. The way he told me was by text messaging me on my cell phone.

Thanks for any help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:06am
Tell him exactly how you feel. If you don't he wont know then after you tell him see what he says, sounds like maybe he might just want to have space between the two of you. Good luck and let us know what happens
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:08am
Maybe the issue isn't money. Maybe he's nervous about moving in with just the two of you and the committment that entails. When his mom was there, she acted as a sort of buffer. It wasn't really the two of you living together....it was more like three people sharing a lving space and helping each other. But when the two of you get your own place, that is a whole new dynamic. That's a whole new level of committment that he may be scared to make right now. Think about it...if you left him or broke up with him while you guys were staying in the apartment with his mom, he still had someone there to be with and he wouldn't be left with a lease, bills, alone, etc. But by making it officially just the two of you, he could feel he's stepping out on a limb. What he may be saying when he talks about not being able to afford it is, "if you leave me or we don't work out, I don't know if I could carry this on my own."

Sit down with him and talk to him honestly. It might even help for you guys to write down lists of what you each think are the pros and cons of moving in together solo this time. What he lists might surprise you. But in order for this to work, you have to make him feel comfortable being honest with you. I wanna warn you...you may not like some of the things he has to say, but it's better to know the truth then be in the dark. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:09am
I thought that to but he gets his space.........he goes out every wednesday night with his friends and sees them whenever he wants too. I never interfer in that I still believe its a money issue here. We don't have the secuity deposit yet for a place and I know that has been bothering him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:12am
i would agree with you on this but unfortunately his mother has been living with her bf for the past 6 months and hasn't been there. She is still paying her portion of the rent and such because of the lease but she doesn't live with us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:17am
There you go....if she's still paying, she's still a security net. Sometimes men don't want to say no because they don't wanna hurt your feelings. They make up excuses that don't hold water to avoid saying the real reason why they don't want to do soemthing. You need to tell him to be straight with you because the money thing doesn't make much sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:22am
I am not going to defend him but to me the money thing does make sense. We have no money saved and nothing to fall back on. We have no money for a security deposit and so forth. The problem I see here is he mentioned this months ago and I just brushed it off and perhaps we should have discussed it then. We have an excellent relationship and I don't mind saving money but I just don't know if moving in with our parents is the answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:37am
Well, only you know him best. :o)

I just said that because one thing I've learned about men is that, if they want something regardless of if they have savings to fall back on or not, 9 times out of 10 they're gonna go for it anyway. Maybe your guy is the 10th one. ;o)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:38am
Just talk to him. Make a decision that you both can be happy with. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:51am
First, I want to thank the people who responded to my dilemma. My bf and I sat down last night and talked and it was a huge misunderstanding. I had circled some apartments I had seen in the local paper and he had shown no interest in looking at then so I ASSUMED he didn't want to move in together at the end of this lease. However, rather then talking to him I text him on his cell phone and asked him if he wanted me to get a place of my own. That is when he mentioned about him living with his dad and me moving in with my mom. Last night we sat down and he explained that he thought moving in with his dad for 6 months and me with my mom for 6 months would help us save money so we had that cushion. However, we have agreed to start saving and he still wants us to live together. I was quite upset when he got home last night but the talk helped and we have settled the issue and put out game plan in to action!!!! Wish us luck on our apartment search. A piece of advice to other people out there never use a cell phone in place of a face to face conversation..........hence the misunderstandings that can happen!!!!!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:15am

Certainly it is upsetting to be informed of a change like this via email. It sounds like he if afraid of sitting down and really discussing what's going on. Perhaps he is not ready for such a committed relationship and wants time to live separately. Often money is used as an excuse or cover for other issues which a person feels. He may not even be aware of this. You are both in college and it would be natural at this time of life to want to be on one's own, and have time to grow that way. You need to sit down with him and have an open, honest discussion, not only about money, but about his feelings about the relationship - Does he want to continue living together? Is he asking for space? As I said, he may not even be aware of his deeper feelings. You also have to decide what you want to do about the relationship from here on in. He is certainly not taking your feelings or needs into consideration here. Talk it over carefully. Perhaps it's time for you to find a different roommate yourself.


Best wishes.

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