I need some help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
I need some help!!
10
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:40pm

I've been dating this man for about 2 months. He came across as nice and a good person. All our dates were warm and he was so generous to me. On our third date, I stayed over his place for the weekend and we had sex. My problem is the last couple of days he hasn't been returning my calls in a timely manner. The other night, I called at 1:30 pm (I know I shouldn't have, and he didn't pick up) because he hadn't returned the call I left earlier that day. Anyway, he sent me a message in the morning stating everything was ok.

We talked later on that day, but when I brought up exclusivity he said, "I'm not in love with you". It came out of nowhere and I was hurt after I asked and he went on to explain that at 16 it was love at first sight for the wife he's now divorcing. Then he said we are still exclusive, he only dates one woman at at time and he wants to see me this weekend. Anyway, after his announcement that "he wasn't in love with me", the conversation didn't feel good. We hung up then I called back and told him, I didn't feel good about the conversation. He agreed stating that things came out wrong, he's sorry, and he'll call me later. Well, that call never came. I called him that night and left a message for him to call me, still no call...

Some background: He is going through a divorce. I wouldn't have dated him except his online profile says "divorced" even though he's not yet. He has two kids, and he talks about how much he loves them and how devoted to them he is. All through our dates, though they have been wonderful, all he talks about is his wife, how she did him wrong, how much he loved her, how he misses his kids, how he wants them 50% of the time, ad nauseum, etc. He apologizes for doing it, but it keeps happening.

He won't introduce me to the kids for fear that they will freak out. Sunday, the girl (9) found my makeup compact in his bathroom and ran to her daddy and demanded, "whose is this!" So, he tells me about it and tells me he lied to her saying it was his friend's girlfriend's.

All this doesn't sit well with me. I think I called too many times. I think he's too wrapped up in his wife, (he broke into and reads her e-mails) and I understand he doesn't want the kids hurt. BUT...I feel he should be man enough to sit down with his daughter and tell her, "my marriage to your mother is over and I need to move on". He says he has, but she can't accept it, so he won't introduce me to the kids yet for fear of hurting them.

What to do? There is a lot of drama here, but he's a nice guy--or so I thought. But, would a nice guy have sex with me more than once, say how good it was and how good I make him feel about himself and then ghost on me?? Or would he have the decency to call me, or send an e-mail, and tell me it's over?

I don't know what to do. If it's over, I want my makeup back and I want the sex-tape we made back. Of course, I will wait until I hear from him, but it seems he should have already returned my calls. he did say he wanted to see me this weekend. I think to see if he can develop feelings for me, but that was before we both agreed our last conversation didn't go well.

I'd like some advice...Is this over? should it be over? I need a man to love me and put me first. Also, he updated his profile this morning, added to it, but still has not contacted me and said it's over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:00pm

Welcome to the board gal_carmena,


I can understand him not wanting to introduce you to his children yet. You have only been together for two months it is too early for that. He does need to protect him during this time.


Also two months is way too early to be making a sex tape together. YIKES. If the relationship is over I would make sure to get that back and burn it.


If he is breaking into his soon to be ex's email, then I would venture to say he is not over her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:08pm

Thank you for the welcome and for your reply. But...if it is over, don't you think I deserve for him to call me, or tell me in person or e-mail or something after I've shared my body with him??

Do you think it's right for him to just disappear on me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:45pm

Welcome to the board gal_carmena,


He was honest, he's not in love with you. He still wants to see you this weekend per his last communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:56pm
Thank you for your perspective Carrie. He told me he only dated one woman at a time and he told me this twice. That is why I assumed exclusivity when I decided to sleep with him. He told me he doesn't like sleeping with more than one woman for fear of diseases and is not like his friends who are serial daters, so I chose to go ahead and sleep with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:17am

Carmena, he's only been quiet for a couple of days. Don't stress about him 'ghosting' on you yet.

The way I see it, you've just scared him to bits. It's only been two months but you're wanting a more serious relationship (I assume this is what you meant by "when I brought up exclusivity") and to meet his daughter. Sweetie, it's waaaaay too early for either of these things to happen.

He can't introduce you to his daughter until he's sure you're going to be part of his life for a reasonable amount of time. Why? Because kids get too attached. If he broke up with you after he'd spent 6 or 12 months with you, the kids would have to get over it too. And that's not fair on them.

Give him a chance to get over the scare. Wait and see what happens over the next couple of weekends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:34am
He told you he only dated 1 woman at a time... the man is going through a divorce which means he is still MARRIED!!!! He should be divorced and work through that before he needs to be in a relationship with someone. JMHO you need to let this one go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:36pm
Thanks. I will wait. I'm just still disappointed at this point. I hope you are right and that he will call me. I wouldn't feel good if things were to end this way without us talking at all and he still has the sex tape.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 8:51am
Some of the replies I have gotten have been so harsh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:20am
Some replies can be/seem harsh. But you have to remember that sometimes the way a post is written seems harsher than it is intended to be. Please feel free to post here anytime.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:52am
Just bumping this in the hopes that Dr. Shoshanna will see it and answer it. I've gotten great responses so far. Just still reeling from what has happened with someone I thought was a real good guy.