I need some help!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
I need some help!!!!!
4
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 4:59pm
I have a situation that I really need some advice on. I had a guy friend and we were not actually dating each other we were just being casual friends. Well I guess he liked me more than I knew it but I could not tell. I would call him and he would not respond and sometimes it would be days before I seen him or talked to him. I was o.k. with that because I thought that he may have had things going on that I may not have needed to know about. Well one of my other guy friends asked me to go out dancing one night and just so happens as we came back about an hour or so later the guy that I mentioned previously came by at 2 a.m. I only went out with the guy because I wasn’t hearing from the previous guy I mentioned and he wasn’t giving me the time of day. Well I told him I had company when I answered the door in my robe, the next day I told him that I didn't have company and I didn't remember telling him that I had company. O.K. this is the point where I felt guilty and I know I should not have done this because I go to church every Sunday and I know better. I felt bad because I lied to him, I don’t make it a practice of lying to people and I know I shouldn't have, but just because I came to the door in my robe does not mean something was going on and that's what I can't get him to understand.

So a month or so ago I just told him that there was actually someone there and that I was sorry for lying to him. But in the same breath we were not even heavily seeing each other, and like I told him if I would have known that he liked me that much I would not have went out with anyone else and I can't get him to understand that this was just an innocent date and I was out of my clothes because they smelled like cigarette smoke besides if no one was there what was I supposed to answer the door in at 2 a.m. not knowing who was on the other side. Besides he had been to a party himself and didn't even bother to call and ask me to go. Now he is saying that he can't trust me but he haven't even tried to give me a chance in a relationship to see what will happen. I really really like this guy but for some reason he is looking at what has happened to him in previous relationships and trying to put me in the category with all of the other bad things that has happened to him. All of this could have been eliminated if he would have just expressed his feelings toward me in the first place.

Now his thing is I can't trust anyone and every time I find someone that I like things like this happen to me. I have had times where I feel like I need to give up, it has been 5 years now since my husband and I split because I caught him cheating on me and our kids were with me when I caught him. I went into a very serious depression to the point I was on heavy medication and I wanted my life to end after I caught my husband because I had been with him since the 7th grade and I am 30 years old now. I tried to kill myself twice and I had to sit down and think that this wasn’t the Christian thing to do and I had children to think of. So I have been through some things because I thought that I was going to be able to be strong when I put my husband out and tried to move on and that didn’t work very well, you see what the result was. This situation now is very hard on me, I know I was wrong but that incident happened over a year or so ago and I don't see why he just can't let it go and we move on. I have had some dating disasters very bad disasters but I am not going to let those ruin me being with someone else. Please help me because I don't know how to deal with this or where to turn.

Because I have really been trying hard to make this work and put my trust back into him but I am just ramming my head into a brick wall with this.

Of course he thinks that I did sleep with the guy and I normally don't divulge to everyone that I have a terminal cancer illness and I don't make it a practice of sleeping around. It’s too much out there for me to risk my life doing that and I am already having a hard time dealing with the fact that I can’t seem to meet anyone that really like me for me. Because I am a very attractive young lady that don’t even look like I should be anyone’s mother and a lot of guys take that for granted and all they want to do is sleep with me instead of getting to know me. Sleeping around has never been right in my book but I would never get him to understand this. Should I leave him alone and start looking elsewhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 5:52pm
you stated that he went to a party and didnt invite you.you stated that he would not call for days.obviously you dont know whats his intentions are concerning the two of you. COMMUNICATION.that is what you need to do.so there will not be no cat and mouse type of thing going on.and do you know what?i would not want to be the one chasing only to bump into a brick wall.communicate and see where things stand between the two of you,and do not let him string you along.let him have a solid word established,and see if he's a man of his word more or do he make more excuses for not fufilling his word.example...he says"i'll call tonight when i get off at ten."then see if he calls,and so forth.and for him to pop up at your home unannounced...he would have never seen what he saw if he had called before coming by.but anyway so that you will not get mixed and misled signals from him,COMMUNICATE with him and make sure the two of you have a clear understanding.stay on top rochelle1908.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 5:58pm
It's none of his business what you were or weren't doing that night. YOu weren't an "item" so he shouldn't be so concerned about it.

He also shouldn't be popping by at 2 in the morning. He doesn't seem very respectful, since he stops over in the middle of the night without calling, expects that you'll be available for him, and then gets all bent because you may or may not have slept with someone else. He also has shown that he doesn't trust you. That doens't sound like a guy who claims to "like you so much".

Also, if you have a disease that is going to take your life, you should be surrounding yourself with loving and caring friends and family and not worrry about dating this guy who is not good for you.

My prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:30am
Thank you so much for this response you hit the nail right on the head when you said that we were not an "item" so he should not be worried about it. For some reason I can't get him to understand that I was not actually dating him or the other guy so what difference did it make. I am so glad that someone else can read into what I was thinking. Also I didn't think about him coming by at 2 a.m. as checking up on me the next time I will watch out for guys that do this because that is showing a lack of trust in someone. He is going to really miss out on the best thing that has happened to him by not wanting to put his trust in people, I mean things happen and he can't forgive and forget then he need to go to some type of therapy. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, I have been through so much the last 8 months until it's unreal but I am keeping my head up and keeping myself together. I am not really worried about the cancer taking my life because as long as I am getting the proper treatments I will be here for a while and right now. Dating is hard and it can test your patience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:35am
Thanks for your response that helped me out a lot, I just wish that he could learn to forgive and forget and he told me that he had a problem with doing that. Plus it was going to take him time to heal from this. I don't konw what he is healing from we were not an "item" or it's not like we are married and this happened. So in the mean time he does not want to even talk to me, now what kind of mess is that. Now he is expecting me to sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants to do. I can't do that I am sorry, if he can't go ahead and commit and forget about all of this I am going to have to move on my merry way. Thanks for your advice.