I Need Some Help
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I Need Some Help
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:09am |
My boyfriend and I having been living together for the past 3 1/2 years. We own a house and lots of other things together, it's practically like a marriage. In fact, I just found out that some months ago, he asked my parents' permission to marry me. He was saving for the ring when we started to have some trouble a few months ago, so he held off on asking me. We have been fighting about money lately. I get upset and worried when we don't have the money to pay the bills and he just clams up. I believe it hurts his ego that a year ago I started to make more money than him. A week ago he told me that it is over. He said he feels he is more immature than he thought he was (he's 29) and he's depressed that he mismanages money, that he doesn't treat me like he should, etc. I realize now that I have probably been saying things the past few months that put these thoughts in his head. He says he feels like "less of a man" because he cannot take care of me financially. I have been really upset and frustrated about our money troubles and we both have said some things lately that we'd like to take back. He said he doesn't believe we can ever get past things and move on, so he'd rather just end it. I feel like he's not giving us a chance. I believe that everyone has some financial troubles and that we should lean on each and get through the rough spots. We have so much together and we both love each other. He will not talk to me, or to our parents (who also want us to stay together). I've asked him to go to counseling or even to go talk to a priest, but he has refused, so I am making an appointment to go talk to someone on my own. He still wants me to live in the house until it is finished (we've been re-modeling) and neither us have the money to go elsewhere at the moment anyway. Once it is finished he wants to sell it, pay off the bills with the profit, and then split the rest and go our separate ways. I would like to have a chance to make it work, but he has totally shut down and says he does not like the person he is becoming and cannot forgive himself for hurting me (not physically, just by making me sad). I do not want to lose him nor the life we have together. The first couple of days I bugged him about trying to make it work, but now I am to the point where I just come home from work and act happy, as if nothing is bothering me, hoping that he can remember the good times. I wish I could go back and do things over but I know that is not possible. Now that we have this out in the open, I would just like to work through it and stay together. I do not know why he is letting go so easily. He says there is no one else, he just says that he is letting me go because I deserve to be happy. I am just shocked, confused, depressed, and feel that my life is crashing down on me. He says he loves me, cares about me, and wants to be with me but doesn't feel like we could ever be back to "normal". I am hoping that during these next few months of living as roommates he will change his mind, but I am trying not to have false hope. We got along so well for the first three + years. Any advice for trying to get him to come around?

Try this: Next time the two of you are calm and talking - I really want to appologize to you for saying some of the things I have said to you over the past couple of months. I want you to know that while I don't agree with your decision to end our relationship without trying to save it through counseling, I want you to know that I will honor it. Because I am having trouble dealing with the grief of our relationship coming to an end, I've made myself an appt to see a counselor.
Then get busy with making plans for yourself. You can't change him or his mind, but you can change the way you interact with him, the way you *react* to what he does or says.
Reading material for you to consider as well:
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen
The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch
How sad for the two of you.
Carrie
I think he is being BEYOND cruel to expect you to be ok with living as roommates, and that you would be doing a huge disservice to yourself if you allowed that to happen.
And it sounds like for quite some time he's had alot of feelings based on situations that he hasn't talked to you about - that have upset or hurt him, and rather than discuss and resolve them he's let them fester. And so now...he associates you/this relationship as one big ball of "pain in the butt" hassle and he wants no more to do with it or you.
and you can't change that...if he's not a communicator, if he doesn't want to work it out - you won't, no matter how much you want to.
So, I'd accept a few things and if these things change, then you'll be pleasantly surprised and if they don't - you'll be prepared for reality 110%.
He's saying finish the remodeling and sell......split the profits nad move on. Look at the financial and real estate market. Is what you've got in the house going to net you both anything? Or are you going to sell it for what you owe - and walk away with nothing on either side? Which it is depends on whether "you" should try to finanance the house yourself, and sell it at a more appropriate time in the market so that you can make a profit, or live in it indefinitely - with a roommate if you need help making the bills. (do't get a mortage you absolutely couldn't manage on your own!)
If refinancing and owning it yourself sounds good, and is a viable option - what you shouldn't be thinking is that "he' will be willing to live there as a roommate and you two can work it out.
He doesn't communicate, and he's got to learn to communicate if a relationship of trust and harmony is ever possible to have with him. So, what you're not wanting is to "keep the relationship you've got as you both are" - what you're wanting if it is possible to get is for both of you want individually to grow, mature, develop, and become more personally secure as individuals - so that together you have more possibilities to trust and harmonize becuase you really do share values - and not just assets.
If you living in the house alone or with a roommate is not a financial option, and selling is the only option you've got - look at the market whre you are and figure out if post-remodeling what is the average that you two could expect to be living together until a sale is final....and determine from there how quickly you should consider procuring a place for your own security and well-being, allowing him to pay the bills and receive more profit from the sale...or vice versa. Because if you two are looking at cohabitating for another two years as roomies...are YOU prepared to hear him having sex with someone in what is now "his" bedroom, and what was once a "spare" bedroom?
Acting like nothing is wrong might work...it often does with non-communicative people. You act like nothing is wrong, you don't say anyting about any of your fears, issues, concerns, or resentments, you walk on eggshells and make their life great with you - and the non-communicator will often just "stay where they are" - provided that the status quo of them having no issues to deal with that are negative is a reality. But you can't maintain that and conduct an equality based relationship ad infinitum.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But unfortunately, neither of us can afford to keep paying the household bills along with paying rent elsewhere. I have to say that at least he is being OK to live with, but it does hurt seeing him everyday.
Basically, he sounds as if he's tired of concession, compromise, and communication - he'd rather do his own thing, his own way, for his own reasons, without having to consider anybody else. Meaning,he's not ready for a relationship.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com