I need some serious help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
I need some serious help!
10
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:57pm

I really do!!

History:

Been married 27 years in 2012

Wife had an affair 3 months after we were married

Went on for a period of time, not sure how long

She confessed 6 months later

We tried to put it behind us

I have had a tough time to the point I was throwing it up until a year ago

I decided to get over it and finally bury it

She travels to a remote location and has befriended numerous people

Some women, some men, some couples, some singles

Recently she was there on a final trip and partied with these people

I was worried about this

She returned home with photos from her trip

I seen 2 or 3 with her and a guy. His arm was around her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:32pm
I'd say some of the things their texting back and forth do sound inappropriate for a married woman. Why do they need to tell each other when they are going to bathe? Sounds like TMI ( and too personal) going back and forth to me. I'd also be upset if my H was texting another woman with personal info like that, so I don't think it's crazy that you are. The biggest issue here is that she's hiding it from you because she knows you would be upset and she knows YOU would not think " it's nothing". Is this the same guy that had his arm around her in the pictures she deleted? If so I'd also be somewhat suspicious if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:35pm

I think if you pull the lens back, you may not like what you see because it involves you as much as it does her.

You see, jealousy has a place within the context of genuine love

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:39pm
It is the same guy! Seriously, if I were looking at the picture, I would think it was husband and wife!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:41pm
I hear you about jealousy! I am that type, but not overbearing. And it was not the same day that I decided to accept what had happened and move on, it was a few months later. If she had nothing to hide, then why do people delete and lie and then blame it on my over reaction?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:49pm

Relay, as you've been holding her affair over her head for 27 years, it's no surprise at all that she would hide stuff from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:59pm

Interesting perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 4:00pm

<< I hear you about jealousy! I am that type, but not overbearing. >>

So what do you plan to do about that?

<< And it was not the same day that I decided to accept what had happened and move on, it was a few months later. >>

My 'next day' was figurative. Of course it took her a while to find someone to replace the old one.

<< If she had nothing to hide, then why do people delete and lie and then blame it on my over reaction? >>

What better way to make you jealous than to appeal to your imagination? A picture is limited in what it can offer but

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 6:19pm
She shouldn't have to delete anything if it's all innocent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:36pm
Relay- i learned many things after my husbands affair that left me vulnerable to him having one. As I had complete trust in him and his judgement I never thought he would cheat. He knew I trusted him implicitly and he abused that trust by Having poor boundaries when it came to women of the opposite sex. Texting work contacts, lunch and dinner with work contacts. Many females, some married, some single. He further crossed the professional lines when making conversation personal. More personal than the basics.

The other thing is this: when married to someone if your partner is uncomfortable with something you are doing, you shouldn't do it. Marriage is to be a place of safety and security, not tension and mistrust.

Your wife is capable of lying to you. You know this. As she isn't being honest and forthright, your trust in her words has diminished. Can you live with not being able to trust her?

You are not crazy, your internal alarm is sounding and it is best to heed it. It's there for a purpose. It tells you that something is wrong.

An affair doesn't have to be physical to be an affair. There is such a thing as An emotional affair where she is getting her emotional needs met outside the marriage. What I can tell you about your wife is that inside her is a very insecure woman, who probably feels underapprecIated and unloved. She believes that others bring her happiness when in reality until we love ourselves we will never be truly be at peace. She wants attention. She wants to feel beautiful and cherished. She wants her efforts around home to be acknowledged, praised and valued. Some women are so starved for this they go outside of their marriage to try and find it.

So what do you do? You sit her down after you have consulted an attorney about a possible divorce. You give her the options as you see them. You tell her that you know she is not being honest with you and that you just can't do it anymore. You can tell her you already saw an attorney. If you want your marriage tell her what you need in a marriage. In order to rebuild, you may be looking at counseling. But she has the most work to do by no contact with the gigolo. She has to take the lead in scheduling appts. The two of you can take it from there.

And if you love her, please don't be afraid to tell her so.

Goodluck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 12:45am

I have to ask