I read her diary ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
I read her diary ...
28
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:33pm

Well, I hope you all welcome men with problems to this board. And yes, I did read my wife's diary. But, please don't shoot me (yet). We've been together for about 2 years and all seemed great the whole time for me. We are newlyweds. But, over the past few months, which includes some of our engagement time, she's acted a bit "distant". I asked her if everything was OK, and she always replied with a simple, "yes". So, not being able to talk to her and have her open-up about what may be the problem, I decided to do my own research. No, I'm not one to read other people's diary -- especially my wife's. But, for the sake of our relationship, I did. And, I found a lot that I did not want to read. She mentioned her strong love for another man across the country. She mentioned wanting to go back to him (I guess he was an old boyfriend as we never spoke about this guy). She mentioned that she married me without being truly in love with me. She mentioned that her family would hate her to leave me, but she did not care. She wanted to be with this man and if it meant losing her mother, she's do it. She mentioned that all she cared about was herself. WOW, for the past 2 years, I never thought she had all these strong emotions being bottled-up inside her. On the outside, she's happy, fun, seems to be loving us, our times together, etc. But on the inside, she's totally different. So, what should I do ???

I read her diary! One big strike against me -- maybe 3 strikes all in one. But, I love my wife more than anything. Are her words true? Or, is she just venting in her diary as it's someone she can "talk" to without being "talked back to"? How can I talk to her about this? We're married now! Trust is so important and I've trusted her forever! Now what? I know I need to talk to her, but how can I do that when I've violated her privacy? If we go on like there's nothing wrong, I'll be hurt (not to mention that pains of a divorce).

Any advice ????

Thank you ladies!

trying to be happy,
Bill

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 2:20pm

Bill,


How old are you, and how old is your wife? How long did you know each other before you got married, and how long did you date? Where is "back home?" Is your wife a US citizen? Something doesn't seem right here. What was the advantage of marrying you if she was in love with this other man? My internal radar is going off here. Did it have anything to do with being allowed to stay in this country or come to this country?


Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 2:46pm

Good questions catk1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 3:12pm

I still think you need to tell her about reading her diary and that you know all the things you know. I don't know how you can expect to have a happy marriage with her if you can't trust her and if you can't communicate with her what you know. These issues can't be resolved if you both aren't completely honest with each other.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 6:52pm

1. You basically dated for 4 1/2 months when you married her (that is not enough time to get to know someone enough to know if you are in love with them or the idea of being in love)

2. She is 22 years old (Her brain doesn't stop maturing until the age of 25) Personally I think it should be a law you can't get married until you are at least 25. She is still a child in a lot of ways.

3. You don't trust her (with good reason) If you don't have trust in a relationship it is not worth having. You need to come clean about the diary.

4. She would not be in contact with this guy if she wanted to be with you and be your wife in all the ways that matter. She has basically lied to you since she has known you, what makes you think she has changed and really wants to be with you?

5. You are giving her all the power if she wants to stay with you or not. Decide what YOU want in your life and if you want someone that is in love with someone else. YOU control your life and what you do.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 11:39pm
If you want to be her man then you have to be a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 8:59am

Hello all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 10:14am
Regardless of how much you "love" someone, if you don't have trust and honesty in a relationship it is not much of a relationship. LOVE does not conquer all. If you do decide to take her back, it would involve counseling for both of you to learn to trust her again.
But you both have to be willing 100% to make it work. And she is quite young so I don't know if she has the mental maturity to work on that. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 11:24am

Thanks for the update.


If you don't trust her, you aren't going to be able to make the marriage work. Trust is essential. Why would you even want to be with someone who said things like "she dreaded our wedding day; she loved someone else – someone she knew she probably could not have; she cheated on me during our engagement with 3 separate men; that she planned to leave me after a year, so that she could go back to Europe to be with this other man (even though he was married with child on the way) as he planned to leave his wife; and now, during our marriage, she could not wait to go back to him to make love to him." ??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 12:12pm

Don't take her back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:21pm

The basic problem (as I see it) is this:


Your wife is acting like a child.