I read her diary ...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:33pm |
Well, I hope you all welcome men with problems to this board. And yes, I did read my wife's diary. But, please don't shoot me (yet). We've been together for about 2 years and all seemed great the whole time for me. We are newlyweds. But, over the past few months, which includes some of our engagement time, she's acted a bit "distant". I asked her if everything was OK, and she always replied with a simple, "yes". So, not being able to talk to her and have her open-up about what may be the problem, I decided to do my own research. No, I'm not one to read other people's diary -- especially my wife's. But, for the sake of our relationship, I did. And, I found a lot that I did not want to read. She mentioned her strong love for another man across the country. She mentioned wanting to go back to him (I guess he was an old boyfriend as we never spoke about this guy). She mentioned that she married me without being truly in love with me. She mentioned that her family would hate her to leave me, but she did not care. She wanted to be with this man and if it meant losing her mother, she's do it. She mentioned that all she cared about was herself. WOW, for the past 2 years, I never thought she had all these strong emotions being bottled-up inside her. On the outside, she's happy, fun, seems to be loving us, our times together, etc. But on the inside, she's totally different. So, what should I do ???
I read her diary! One big strike against me -- maybe 3 strikes all in one. But, I love my wife more than anything. Are her words true? Or, is she just venting in her diary as it's someone she can "talk" to without being "talked back to"? How can I talk to her about this? We're married now! Trust is so important and I've trusted her forever! Now what? I know I need to talk to her, but how can I do that when I've violated her privacy? If we go on like there's nothing wrong, I'll be hurt (not to mention that pains of a divorce).
Any advice ????
Thank you ladies!
trying to be happy,
Bill

Pages
Unfortunately, she is the same person you met before you read her diary. You just did not know or want to know this side of her. You fell in love with what you wanted to see and believe was true. Then real life contradicted that. Sorry to be blunt here, but nobody matches the ideal that their partner falls in love with. But being unfaithful is over the top in terms of what is acceptable. It violates ones fundamental sense of creating a meaningful intimate partnership.
I can understand and sympathize with what you have gone through. My guess is that this girl is very young on the emotional level and needs to learn how to be more authentic in her communication, more whole within herself, and less needy of being with a guy. She needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own two feet, emotionally speaking. Not unusual for a girl that young, by the way. Painful for you, in any event.
The trust issue is something that is very delicate and easily broken, as you have experienced. Being alone with your inner thoughts and brooding on what she did is not healthy. I would hope for you to be in regular contact with an older male mentor, who can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Someone you trust and admire.
In terms of the relationship itself, it would be good if you can find a way to honestly talk with her about whether you are both committed to salvaging this relationship and whether you are both ready to face the uncomfortable task of rebuilding trust. It is not going to be a picnic, as you already know in what you are going through. And you cannot sweep this under the carpet.
Rebuilding trust will require each of you to get real clear on who you are -- and what your real choices are. It will require you each to address what has happened until it is emotionally resolved in both of you -- and you can truly move on with a deeper sense of knowing each other.
Right now you are left wondering who she really is. And I have no idea what is going on for her.
If the two of you decide to rebuild, I suggest counciling.
Hi lifeisgood2005,
You haven't posted in awhile, thanks for participating.
It sounds to me, she hasn't grown up and she was definitely not ready to get married.
You're not confused. You know she doesn't love you, you're juts trying to convince yourself that she might be able to if you keep trying.
Stop intentionally fooling yourself. Take a stand for yourself, you're not in a real marriage. Be a man and leave. Stop letting this woman control your life and who you are. Don't you deserve better than this? If you leave now, you'll be giving yourself more time to find the right woman.
First of all, needless to say, you are in the throw of many, many turbulent emotions (as you have the right to be). You can want her back for many reasons (including to re-gain your sense of self esteem). The fact that you miss her doesn't mean that you love her necessarily.
To begin I would certainly suggest that you see a professional therapist and sort out your own feelings, so you become more clear about why you want to try again. Then if you still feel that this is something that you wish to do, you have to also make sure that she is willing to seek professional counseling. In order to work out the deep levels of lies and betrayal here it's crucial to go deeper and understand the profound upset within that created this kind of situation. She must be willing to do that and acknowledge how important it is to do so. She cannot change just by wanting to. Just crying and saying she loves you won't do any good until and unless she is truly willing to take responsibility for her actions and get professional help in understanding it and working it out. Then, it could be possible, with dedicated hard work and committment to work through these painful issues and create a new relationship where healing and growth were possible. But before that happens, you have to become clearer about your own self and she has to be willing to undertake this kind of work.
Best wishes,
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Pages