I read his journal, and it wasn't pretty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
I read his journal, and it wasn't pretty
17
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 5:55pm

So, my boyfriend and I have been having problems the past few months. We've even been seeing a relationship counselor together. After we took a brief "Time Off" in May, we've reunited and are going on dates again. Long story short, while he was away on business I had to stay at his apartment due to a maintenance problem at mine. While I was there alone, I found his journal. He had written some pretty angry and hurtful stuff in it--that he thinks I've gotten fat (I am the same weight, so it is perplexing), that he is no longer attracted to or interested in me. He's sick of me, he wants to move on. He is even already scoping out other women. Preceeding these entries were ones from just a month or so ago about how he loves me more than anyone else, he is so angry at himself for treating me like an a--hole (true)--that I've opened his eyes to his flaws and he wants to change and be happy with me. It's a roller coaster, but the most recent writings are bad.

So what do I do? I realize these are his private thoughts. God knows at times over the past few months I probably could have written down equally angry things and even that I want to break up. I just don't know if those words came out of a moment of anger, or if that is really how he feels. And I don't think I can share with him that I read it. I regret doing it. He pointed out his journal to me once and said never to read it, that he writes things in it that are not meant for any person to see. He is an artist and writer and it is part of his creative and mental process to document stuff.

I know he and I have many problems in our relationship, and we have been addressing them with our counselor. But this scared me, even if some of the bad stuff written in the journal did not surprise me. I am afraid that now, at this point, he has disinvested and is just waiting to move on. On the other hand, I want to be with him, although I know we need to make changes--big ones, because you can probably tell that trust is an issue for us.

What should I do? Confront him about how he really feels about the relationship? Or cut my losses? I am so desperately sad about this--I want, or wanted, to marry this man. We have been together for 7 years. And I should mention, we are in our mid-twenties and each other's first everything, basically. So a side issue is that he's never been with anyone else, and is not totally okay with that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 6:34pm

Hi Navel,

You need to break up with this man.

1. Betrayal isn't acceptable in a relationship - if you've resorted to this unacceptable-in-a-healthy-relationship behavior to "communicate" with him, you need to leave the situation. You do know that reading his journal is betraying him don't you?

2. If he's having doubts about only being with one woman his entire life (which is a very reasonable and smart question to ask oneself in my opinion) he's going to break up with you anyway sometime down the line. And, down the line could be when you're 50 and you've got a mortgage and two kids.

Rhetorical questions for you - are you only with him only because you've always been with him? If not, how do you know? He may be asking himself these questions too.

WT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 7:13pm

You are in quite a predicament - for a number of reasons.


I dont keep a journal anymore because I dont want anyone snooping in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 7:59pm

Welcome to the board navelgazer_81,


Well, I no longer keep a journal either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 10:48pm

I agree with whiteriffic. In fact I couldn't possibly agree more.

Your relationship is already essentially over if you have resorted to this tactic and he feels the way he does. If he finds out what you read, he will probably leave you out of anger anyway. If I had a boyfriend who read my journal, tough times or not, I would not want to stay with him anymore. Everyone is entitled to their private thoughts.

So now that you know what he really thinks, it's time for you to go. You've been together a long time but you need to go out and experience other people. It sounds as though you're putting a lot of effort into forcing this relationship because you are one another's first. I don't think counseling is going to save this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 9:25am

Thanks for all of your input. I am really struggling right now and it helps to hear advice from others.


I do regret reading his journal. I knew it was wrong, and I agree that it is a betrayal. Part of my pain right now is that I am normally a highly ethical person, and also not a particularly jealous one. Something like snooping in a private journal is not my normal behavior. It saddens me that the climate in our relationship has gotten to a point where I felt compelled to do something invasive and inappropriate.


I think it is time for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 10:55am

aw, girl I'm so sorry!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 11:01am

You said - "DON'T blame yourself for reading his journal."


Who exactly is she supposed to blame for her decision to betray him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 11:15am

"I don't think I'll tell him about the journal because I don't see admitting to it doing anything positive if this is over."

I agree with this decision.
It would be like throwing a knife into his back, quite possibly damaging his ability to trust a woman for a long time. It's not necessary to do this.

It's time for this relationship to end so that you can both feel better about yourselves. I know your self-esteem is hurt, it sucks to find out that someone doesn't have feelings for you anymore. It hurts to be forgotten. But his opinion of you doesn't reflect your worth as a human being. You have the chance now to start fresh with someone else, to remember your mistakes and not repeat them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 11:21am

Thank you, Maggie242007! You're giving me a little bit of hope (although I know if I end it, I can't expect that he'll come running back to me eventually) right now. It's also comforting to here of someone who went through the same thing. Congrats that you and your guy made it work.


I think if there is still any hope for a future for us, these questions have to get answered and he needs to experience some freedom. It sucks and I don't want it, but maybe it'll end up being good for me. We didn't date other people during our time off, and it only lasted for a few weeks. I could use some time away from the fighting and sadness to find me again.


You said that "you have to realize though, that when the r/l gets to the point where one person is unhappy or it just needs alot of work, they're not seeing you how others see you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 11:30am
Oh give me a break spice man...a bit dramatic.

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