I read his journal, and it wasn't pretty
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| Wed, 06-04-2008 - 5:55pm |
So, my boyfriend and I have been having problems the past few months. We've even been seeing a relationship counselor together. After we took a brief "Time Off" in May, we've reunited and are going on dates again. Long story short, while he was away on business I had to stay at his apartment due to a maintenance problem at mine. While I was there alone, I found his journal. He had written some pretty angry and hurtful stuff in it--that he thinks I've gotten fat (I am the same weight, so it is perplexing), that he is no longer attracted to or interested in me. He's sick of me, he wants to move on. He is even already scoping out other women. Preceeding these entries were ones from just a month or so ago about how he loves me more than anyone else, he is so angry at himself for treating me like an a--hole (true)--that I've opened his eyes to his flaws and he wants to change and be happy with me. It's a roller coaster, but the most recent writings are bad.
So what do I do? I realize these are his private thoughts. God knows at times over the past few months I probably could have written down equally angry things and even that I want to break up. I just don't know if those words came out of a moment of anger, or if that is really how he feels. And I don't think I can share with him that I read it. I regret doing it. He pointed out his journal to me once and said never to read it, that he writes things in it that are not meant for any person to see. He is an artist and writer and it is part of his creative and mental process to document stuff.
I know he and I have many problems in our relationship, and we have been addressing them with our counselor. But this scared me, even if some of the bad stuff written in the journal did not surprise me. I am afraid that now, at this point, he has disinvested and is just waiting to move on. On the other hand, I want to be with him, although I know we need to make changes--big ones, because you can probably tell that trust is an issue for us.
What should I do? Confront him about how he really feels about the relationship? Or cut my losses? I am so desperately sad about this--I want, or wanted, to marry this man. We have been together for 7 years. And I should mention, we are in our mid-twenties and each other's first everything, basically. So a side issue is that he's never been with anyone else, and is not totally okay with that.

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Hey, I know that I opened myself up to criticism by posting my story on here, so I'm prepared to hear negative opinions. I dished it out so I'll take it in. But to say that I don't take responsibility in life and therefore no man ought to be with me--that's a pretty low blow.
Oh NO Spice isn't being dramatic.
I understand that...I did misspeak when I said 'don't blame yourself' but I was more getting at that she shouldn't feel like she's an awful person b/c of that action.
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TRUE or
Of course.
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