I really need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
I really need advice!
2
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:18pm
Well Ladies it's a long story so here goes...

I have dated a man for 4 years...he's younger than me by a few years, but when we met we didn't know each other's ages and in the end it didn't matter (besides I'm blessed with good genes and look younger and I'm active). He is in his late twenties and I'm in my thirties.

I was married once before for quite a few years and suffered a devastating divorce that took a long time to resolve due to financial issues. I met him about 6 months into my divorce and he supported me through it all (emotionally). After it was over he decided to go to law school and since I had been talking about returning to school (I was an Alzheimer's unit Director) to become a nurse and subsequently a geriatric nurse practitioner, he asked me to move down to Houston with him and apply to some schools.

I did and I got in and started school again. He also went to law school and has since graduated and passed the bar. I graduate this April. So that's all good right?

He has told me repeatedly that he wants to marry me and have children. Here's the problem. Last May after he graduated from school and took the bar, he started looking for work. He became picky and was looking for the perfect job. Well needless to say, he still doesn't have a permanent job at about 10 months later. He's worked some contracts, but nothing permanent. When we moved to Houston, he moved into his own apartment and I moved into mine. This was for two reasons: 1. His parents don't believe in people living together before marriage and 2. I had never lived on my own so this was a good experience for me. Also his parents helped pay for his education and his apartment during his schooling. Also, he's never been married.

Anyway, when he didn't find a job quickly enough, his parents told him that he'd have to move home at the end of December. He knew this was coming, but again didn't find a job in time and had to move back to Dallas. I asked him if it had anything to do with us, and he said no that it was because he couldn't find a job. Needless to say, I'm alone here in Houston and he's up there now working more contracts.

The thing that makes me upset is this: He knows that I graduate in 2 months and that my lease on my apartment is up then. He knows that I've had numerous offers from all over the country (even the Mayo Clinic). I have even applied for graduate programs in numerous cities in Texas because he told me that he was looking in all the major cities here. The problem is that whenever I talk to him he says that he hasn't started sending out resumes, or he's working on them, but nothing has come of them. His parents and I and his friends have given him phone numbers of great contacts, yet he nevers contacts them. His parents and I are extremely frustrated by this and don't know what to do to motivate him. We've tried loving him unconditionally and supporting him and recently because we are worn out we've tried tough love.

He hates living with his parents because he's constantly bugged to find a job. I mean he's an attorney for goodness sake and was in the honor society! He comes and visits me on the weekends and I hear the same story; I'm trying to look, no I haven't sent out too many resumes, I'll do better.

Before you say anything, he swears there is no one else and I believe him.

Here is my dilemma. He knows my biological clock is ticking (I don't have children yet because I have fertility problems but am told that I can have a baby if I don't wait too long and take meds). He won't ask me to marry him until he finds that perfect job and can buy a ring. I've told him I'd take a cigar band because I love him yet he still holds out because he can't support himself. I do want him to be able to do that. I don't want to be our sole support because I think I'd resent him for not trying.

The catch is that I am starting to resent him. I can't even look for a job right now because I have no clue about where he is going to be. I want to get married and have kids and have a career and finish my degree and do that with him.

Do I give him an ultimatum as crappy as that sounds and tell him he has 57 days to find a job or I'm going to have to look into the great opportunities that I've been presented? Do I stick it out and wait for him to make up his mind and possibly miss my chance at having children? Do I open myself up for other relationships because I'm scared this one isn't going anywhere?

I'm desperate for advice. This is such a hard situation. People tell me to think about myself, but he's special to me and I just can't figure out how to motivate him and I'm seriously thinking about giving him some target dates...HELP!

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:51pm
Wendy,

I see some things in your post, so I will break them down, I hope the insight helps, I'm not trying to be harsh, but just to get you to see some red flags.

::Anyway, when he didn't find a job quickly enough, his parents told him that he'd have to move home at the end of December.

He let his parents direct his life because he's unable to make it on his own? Because he hasn't grown up yet? Doesn't know how to be self-sufficient?

:: The problem is that whenever I talk to him he says that he hasn't started sending out resumes, or he's working on them, but nothing has come of them. His parents and I and his friends have given him phone numbers of great contacts, yet he nevers contacts them. His parents and I are extremely frustrated by this and don't know what to do to motivate him. We've tried loving him unconditionally and supporting him and recently because we are worn out we've tried tough love.

Tough love would be to say you have until X to move out (his parents).... you - moving on with your life and IF and WHEN he's on the same page as you, then have him look you up. He doesn't want anything that's offered, because he doesn't want a 9-5, 5+ day a week job, doesn't want to live by routine, doesn't want to fit the mold. Hmm, maybe he doesn't even want to be a lawyer or he's burned out after school and is rebelling in his own way - imature way instead of figuring out the issues he has with his career and moving through them or changing careers.

::He comes and visits me on the weekends and I hear the same story; I'm trying to look, no I haven't sent out too many resumes, I'll do better.

In a weird way, you have become a parent figure as well....maybe part of the rebellion is that you want the same things his parents do?

::Before you say anything, he swears there is no one else and I believe him.

I believe that too. It's not about another woman, it's about lack of motivation, ambition, drive, being a grown-up, being mature and responsible. You two aren't on the same page with what you really want. He's either too afraid to tell you, discuss it or he figures he's getting by with doing nothing.

::The catch is that I am starting to resent him. I can't even look for a job right now because I have no clue about where he is going to be. I want to get married and have kids and have a career and finish my degree and do that with him.

Of course you are because you are putting your needs, wants, career on the back burner waiting for him to step up to the plate. Maybe he doesn't really want to get married, have kids, but feels he doesn't want to hurt you by saying so? Or is just confused about the direction of his life and can't make a decision or commitment - to a job or to you?

::Do I give him an ultimatum as crappy as that sounds and tell him he has 57 days to find a job or I'm going to have to look into the great opportunities that I've been presented?

Nope. You say, hey I'm looking at the best opportunities for me - my choices are X, Y and Z and I'm leaning towards XYZ what do you think?

::Do I stick it out and wait for him to make up his mind and possibly miss my chance at having children?

NO. You don't know what will come your way and even if you wait for him, there is not guarantee that he will ever follow through.

::Do I open myself up for other relationships because I'm scared this one isn't going anywhere?

You have every reason to believe this is going no where. Maybe he's just waiting for you to make the decision.

::I'm desperate for advice. This is such a hard situation. People tell me to think about myself, but he's special to me and I just can't figure out how to motivate him and I'm seriously thinking about giving him some target dates.

That's the whole point, you can't motivate him. Say you get him going in the right direction, are you going to want to live your entire life with him being the motivator? Being the ambitious one, the only one able to make a decision, plan a future? Be the mature, responsible one that doesn't get her needs met?

You have to do what is right for you. My best to you on your decision.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:02pm

I would explain to him that you need to move forward with your life and make your own plans for your career.