I really need a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
I really need a friend
7
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:19pm
Literally - I truly need a friend.

My dh and I have been through a lot - I don't even know where to start. I feel so alone in my relationship. My dh doesn't talk to me - we're both in counseling - and he told his counselor tonight that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about anything. He feels like our good times are so fragile, that any comment can blow us up into a fight. At this point our marriage is so fragile, that even the little fights are venomous. I am starting to feel things that I haven't felt before. I told my dh that I think I am to the point that I could give up now, and not feel guilty. I told him that I could walk away now, and feel like I have done everything I could.

I am attracted to other people - in ways that aren't normal for me. There is a friend of mine who's happily married, and I have pushed him away for fear that I would lean on him a little too much. Although I know I did the right thing, my lonely and broken heart wishes that I didn't have to push him away. I am so desparate for the deep relationship that I had with dh before we were married, that I am starting to look elsewhere. I want it to be with dh, but I can't work with the wall we've built. I don't know how to start tearing down the wall. Everything I do to try to help the situation, makes things worse. When I try to leave him alone, he feels like I don't care. When I try to talk to him, he feels suffocated. I try to focus on our relationship, and he thinks I am obsessive. My counselor thinks that I am fine, and that this relationship is headed for divorce.

What am I supposed to do? I can't sit here in turmoil and loneliness, while my dh blocks out the rest of the world and watches the history channel pretending like life is fine!

Sorry to be so pathetic. Appreciate any help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:49pm
Hi sorry to hear you feel so lonely... it's hard to be in a marriage and feel more alone when you are alone, if you know what I mean.

Here is some reading material to consider since you are in counseling:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Pick one, with his help, ask him to read it with you.

Now on to just you. What fills you up? What sings to your soul? What kinds of things do you enjoy? Do you have hobbies? Make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them - small things - I'm saying pamper and take care of you. Take a class in something you want to learn more about. Or something physical or something creative. Volunteer work even. Something that gets you out of the house a couple of nights a week.

You have expections in the way you want to have a deep relationship with your husband. He's afraid to (whatever his reasons are) and you are pushing it because you desire it so much. Try striving for it in small steps. Think of sharing just a moment of peace, a conversation of the heart in small doses.

It's a good thing you pushed away your married, male friend, because deep, intimate, emotional sharing at this point might lead to an affair. Think of ways to build close female friendships right now for support. This board is a good place to post.

My best to you. Sorry for your pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:43am
Thanks for your advice.

I think we're long since past the point of reading those books. I mean, we've been reading books for counseling (or...well...I have been reading these books - dh says he will, but then never does), and I can't see dh reading another one because "THIS is the book that will make a difference." We have our last marriage counseling appointment today, and I am so scared of what's going to happen.

My life is plenty full right now. I am looking for a new job - I have an interview today, in fact. My girlfriend is getting married in two weeks, and I am her maid of honor - so that keeps me pretty busy. My Dad is fighting lung cancer - that's a big focus for me right now. I do have a hobby - photography - but I haven't had much time to do anything with it lately. I have a girlfriend who's trying to get me into scrapbooking, but I don't really have the money right now.

I have also been working on the small steps. I have tried, for the past two weeks, to not have any serious "talks" with my dh - because I know he doesn't want to. Then, the other night, we had a 5-minute conversation. I told him that I had been avoiding talking for him, because that's what I thought he wanted, and that I still needed to talk to him, and would he let me know when he was ready. He said okay. Then, last night he came home from his counseling appointment, and when I asked how it went, he was sour and crabby, and I defended myself, and in 3 minutes flat, we were back to old ugly arguing like I hadn't just spent 2 weeks bottling up my emotions.

I tried to explain to him that I had some feelings that I didn't know what to do with. I told him about my married, male friend - he knows that we talk, and he knows that I pushed him away a few weeks ago, but last night I told him that I wanted to talk to my married friend, and how I missed him, and wished I could talk to him. I also told him (I went to a bachelorette party on Saturday) about a guy in the bar that was flirting with me, and how much I liked the attention (a girl I was with traded phone numbers with a guy he was with, and I've heard through the grapevine that the guys are all headed back to that bar on Saturday - I told my dh this, too, and I told him how tempted I was to go). I emptied this out to him after we started fighting, and he said "DW, I am tired and cranky today." So I left and went to see my girlfriend.

He had absolutely no reaction to how I felt - and I really, REALLY hoped that he would be my friend at that point. Talk to me, tell me that he was sorry I felt that way. Ask me what he could do to help me not feel that way anymore. Tell me that he was jealous that I was feeling that way. Anything! Instead, he said he was cranky, and continued to watch the History channel.

Sorry to vent. Thanks for the advice...what else you got?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:01am

First, you arent pathetic and have alot of people here back ing you up with support. Second, i think you have made the correct initial steps towards doing something to try to correct this problem.


It takes two to do anything, so the second one of you gives up, the relationship fails. At the same time, you also need to be mature enough and straight with yourselves as to what the realistic chances are of making this work. As you said, it isnt normal to have these types of feelings you are having for other people.


My advice to you is this:Follow your heart. You owe to yourself to be happy, if you are not, you have no chance of making anyone else happy either.


Best Wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:14pm

i was curious - why are you stopping marital therapy if you obviously still need it?


here are a few thoughts....


first - if its difficutl for your husband to talk - then definately stop "pushing" him to do so. try maybe going out with him without putting the pressure on him "to talk". movies, walks, fun. put all the bad feelings aside . yes its hard, but may be worth a try.


second - try to find things to do outside the marriage. and no, this does not mean that you should develop relationships with other men (definately NOT). but you should find things to do (and people to do them with) outside your marriage. yes, its fun to do things together but its also important for each of you to have your "own" things (friends. hobbies, etc).


it may be, that you are headed for divorce. sometimes people try and still things don't work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:11pm
We've been seeing a marriage counselor, Sue - and Sue is going out for surgery. She'll be out for 6 weeks. When I said "last" session, I meant before the 6-week dry spell. We do have another appointment with her upon her return.

In addition to this, we've both been seeing separate individual counselors. I see Jane, just for me. She isn't a marriage counselor, she's a me-counselor. She has been telling me how normal I am, and not to let my dh make me feel like I am unhealthy - because I am not. My dh sees Tom, and Tom is trying to help dh deal with issues of control, emotional expression and intimacy.

We have decided that during the 6 weeks that Sue is out, we're going to create a "dating" atmosphere, going out and having fun. We're not talking about any of the problems that got us here for now. We are trying to start over with a clean slate. I will let you know how that goes.

Plus, in July, we're also participating in a marriage retreat through my dh's church. I am looking forward to that!

Thank you for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:10pm
A writer I highly respect wrote that a lot of times people marry, find they're not very compatible and neglect each other. She went on to say that many times they are unfaithful to their vows and not a few cowardly, take their lives, which I found surprising. However, she also says that if people will continue the early attentions, that instead of marriage being the end of love, it will be as it were, its very beginning. I truly believe that. However, what do you do if it's been years and that hasn't been the case? I like that you're starting a "dating" atmosphere.

I think I can empathize with how you feel lonely in your marriage. You want more of what you thought he was promising you in the courtship. Unfortunately, some people have the idea that all the work needs to be done BEFORE the wedding. That's just not true. I read a book that talked about a loving relationship being like a bank. You start out with the balance your courtship tendered, then every good thing is like a deposit and every negative word, happening, etc., is like a withdrawal. If one fails to keep their account "balanced" they experience bankruptcy.

The phenomenon I witness all the time, however, is that when things have been bad for awhile, people develop an accumulated list of resentments. So if your husband starts making an effort, try not to make it hard for him, even though you probably might feel like it, you're only human after all. Maybe he lacked insight, had other difficulties, etc. I think that you're saying you want your husband to be your best friend. I think it's possible. Sometimes it's hard to work-out the differences, but we need to try to be sympathetic, understanding and patient with each other. We're all flawed, just in different ways. Granted, some flaws are easier for some to tolerate than others.

I just hope that since things are "fragile" between you right now that you'll succeed in not getting off on tangents. It's easy to do when you have a history. Maybe if you started a hobby or something together, it would give you fresh material for a fresh start. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:55am

well it sounds like you are on the right track. it takes time! patience, sweetie... the dating atmosphere sounds fun and may be just what you need - no pressure, no talking about problems, just relaxing, dressing up nicely, having fun.


good luck