I really need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
I really need some advice
4
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:47pm
I was with my boyfriend for 7 years. he has two children that he recently found (because their mother left with them some time ago). I am currently pregnant with my first child and it is with him. He found out that his children are living in a babd situation and asked that he bring them(12yr old twins) here to live with us. I admit, my first instinct was to run and that is what I first attempted to do and while I still have many concerns, I realized that the relationship we have/had is strong and went to him to apologize and advise him that I would like to give this (entire) family a try. HE decided that I was not sincere in my telling him that I wanted to now have his children come live with us and in turn has moved out of state. We talk almost everyday and he has even come to visit me since then. I have plans to go and visit him this month as well. We talk constantly about what will happen if we get back together. He claims he is scared because he does not know if he can trust that I mean it when I say that I want a family with him. He said he even wanted to marry me but I am afraid that he will never learn to love me that much again. I want to be able to move on without him if that is what he wants but he won't give me an answer as to whether or not he wants to try or not. He has told me that he wants all of us to be together but something is stopping him from making up his mind to take that leap. I don't know what to do or say anymore... PLEASE HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 11:44pm
I do not understand why you would run when you found out about the twins. Do you like children? What is the deal with the run? It should be hard for you to win back his trust; once you’ve had kids you will realize that if he would have chosen you over them, something would have been wrong with him. I am not saying that you are a bad person or anything you may just have been confused or threaten by them. Try to let him see that his children are just as important to you, only if they really are, if not walk away now. And don’t look back to be with someone who has children with someone else takes a lot of understanding and true love for children. And trust in your partner, because he will have to have a relationship with their mother for the rest of his life. Not a relationship but communication at least. Plus you’ll have to be able to hear “your not my mother”, “I don’t have to listen to you”, all for one smile or one hug that may not come for years, or never at all. You’ll need to do this out of the knowledge you are going to make a difference in their life because even if they never show it to you, they will need you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:10am

i think you both need to put your own feelings aside for a moment, and think about what is best for these three kids (his twins and your baby). he can't just 'walk away' from this responsibility - but i am guessing he is feeling overwhelmed with all of this just now. i would suggest some outside professional help so that you can work out what's best for all. i would also suggest you speak to a lawyer about child support and custody.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:21am
You are right for some reason I forgot she was having his child by the end of the letter, I'm sorry for that walk away statement, No don't just walk away, sk1960 is right. I had alot step-parents growing up and I get carried away about that kind of stuff some times, any way I really shouldn't be giving advise my own life is screwed enough I shouldn't try to pull other people in that direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:33am
First, let me say that if you marry/love someone you marry and love them AND their kids. The two of you may not have known about them for a while, but he obviously cares for them very much. A man I was with for a while decided that I should send my son to live with his father so it could just be US. I left him for that. What kind of mother would I be if I hadn't? You are pregnant. If your relationship doesn't work out and the next person you're with says to you that they love you and want to be with you but would rather not have your child around. How would you feel? I can understand your boyfriends point. Even though you have said you are willing to try, he already knows that deep down, you really would rather not have them there. I can also see where you would be concerned. These kids are already almost teens and probably have emotional problems. That is alot to contend with, but it sounds like they need someone now more than ever. They have already been dumped by their mother. You can't expect their father to dump on them to keep you. He may feel the same way; doesn't want to do what their mother did to them. Would you choose a man over your child? Partners can be replaced, kids can't.


Edited 5/3/2004 12:35 am ET ET by camille92574