I really screwed up. Help!!! (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
I really screwed up. Help!!! (Long)
5
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 9:25pm

A little background first. My girlfriend is younger than me. Much younger...half my age to be exact. We used to work together over a year ago, and that's how we met. I knew she was wild as a teenager. She's pretty open about it...a little too open about it, to be honest. She has two children by different fathers during that time period. Ok, I thought we would have a little fun for awhile. What could it hurt? I never expected to fall for her. But she was an emotional wreck during this time period. She had frequent panic attacks and depression. She would call me obsessively if she didn't hear from me, sometimes after midnight. I got to where I would avoid her calls at times. I was thinking fatal attraction, if you want to know the truth. But instead of dumping her, I stayed supportive and hung with her, because I cared for her. I found myself over the upcoming months rebuilding her self esteem with compliments about how beautiful she was. I was also concerned for her safety as she revealed she used to cut herself during her teen years.

When football season got here last Fall, I abandoned her on our hook up nights (4 months). She had the kids every other Saturday and Sunday night. I tried to get back into her good graces, but around January she started saying she was saving sex for marriage now. Still we seemed to be getting along great. Neither of us had much time to spend together during this time; Her with the kids, me with the job. We would eat out or do something convenient on occasion, but nothing really fun or exciting. But we would spend hours upon hours on the phone. The last 6 weeks we've sent 25-30 text messages a day to each other. We seemed to be getting along great until she joined Myspace a month ago. It's like it's opened a whole new world for her.

Now she is completely turned off by me right now. She just won't talk to me at all. Let me give you the series of events so you can maybe see what's going on. Up until Saturday night, the last 4-5 weeks, me and her were spending a minimal of 3 hrs a day/night on the phone. Saturday night she works all night at the shelter. The two previous Saturday's we stayed on the phone 4-5 hours each night. Well, this time, I wasn't really in the mood to talk that long so I cut our conversation short about 2:30 am(no, really). I don't know if she was mad about that or not. She didn't seem so, we talked for a few hours Sunday afternoon. That night, however, she wanted to go online about 12:00 and started talking to me on her cell. She wanted to go on Myspace. I hate that, and the blue tooth (she wears when she's with me in public), but I've never told her. It's so annoying to have her typing and talking to me at the same time. This has started happening pretty frequently too. Anyway.. we got disconnected. Agitated, I go online myself....she tries to call back, and I block her call. I wait until 1:00 then call her back when I see she gets offline. She says something about the phone ringing (which it does before it clicks off when you block a call) and me not answering, then she says she is going to bed. I could tell she was a little irritated too.

Monday, I know she's a little upset so I send her a very early text. No response. I'm like, uh oh. But maybe she's still asleep. I leave, go play golf, still no text from her when I finish playing. I get back home and call her around 11:00. She doesn't answer. I call her back and leave a message telling her I'm going to keep calling her until she picks up. She sends me a text that says she was asleep. So, we text each other a few times during the day. She goes to work at 2:00. She doesn't call me from work this time which is unusual. I'm starting to get a little nervous. So it gets around 10:00 pm when she usual calls me. No call yet. So I call her. She doesn't pick up. I call her again 20 minutes later and leave her a message saying that I'm going to keep calling her until she picks up. She texts me back saying she's on the phone. She doesn't call me the rest of the night.

So, I'm already in panic mode when I send her an email at midnight that she reads on Tuesday morning. I just ask her what's going on and I also mention that I want to pursue a relationship with her.She fires off a response that calling her repeatedly was a turnoff, and it irritated her. She also said she doesn't want her kids to get attached to me because she doesn't want a relationship. She is no longer romantically interested in me anymore. See, this is the sticky part. I don't know if I believe she's serious or not. You should see some of the provocative pictures she sends me on her phone.She got back from a blind date last month and called me at 2:00 in the am. She asked me the very next night if I loved her, which I responded "how much she means to me ect" and she was like that is very comforting. Plus, all the long phone conversations we've been having. Also, I can usually tell in her voice when she picks up the phone that she's excited to hear my voice. Maybe she's serious when she says she isn't interested in me, but she sends so many mixed signals.

Anyway, I try to put up a strong front when I respond to this email, but it was like gut shot with a baseball bat. I tell her everything is ok, and hope she finds someone. Later that night, she calls my cell, but I'm on the phone and don't answer. She calls me again at 11:30 and i act like I'm asleep and tell her to call me back tomorrow. I could tell she was agitated. She wanted to tell me about her promotion at work.

She doesn't call the next day. She sends me a text at 2:30 telling me why she called. I wait an hour and a half before responding with "congrats." That is all I said. She sends me a chain email before midnight. looks like she is still trying to keep the lines of communication open at this point.

And then here's where everything hits the fan, and I've totally screwed up...maybe to the point of irreparable damage to our relationship. Before leaving for Atlanta, I send her and emotional email saying things like how much of an emotional wreck I was. I told her I thought she was a psycho when I first met her, and the only reason I didn't break things off then is because I was afraid she would harm herself. There's more. I told her That she was consumed with her looks when we were in public, and that I was only an object used by her to be seen in public. There's some other things in there as well, but those were the most damaging statements. I was off that week. I was hurt, a little angry, had lots of free time, and armed with a computer. Not a good combination.

I've been sending an email a day trying to play damage control but get no responses. I keep digging myself a deeper hole every time I write her trying to fix my mess. I've only called her once since Monday. That was Thursday evening after my email...I knew she wouldn't answer then. Now I probably look like an obsessed wussy to her by my actions this week. I've tried to remain strong and not contact her...give her some air, but I haven't been able to sleep. I wake up with a lot on my mind and fire off another email.

I know she's completely turned off by me right now. I don't know what to do to fix things, or even if things can be fixed at this point. I really, really like this woman. She has really proved my earlier...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 11:00am

This is such a dysfunctional relationship that you two should really stay away from each other. You can't rebuild her self-esteem. She has to do that for herself. You both play games, are confused, are obsessive at times and don't seem to have balanced lives, depending on each other for your happiness when you emotions are out of whack.


This isn't a relationship; it is a series of hits and misses, physical and emotional ups and downs.


I feel sorry for her kids. Why is she on the phone for hours everyday and dating so often when she should be raising them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 11:55am

She's a total flake and drama queen.


You are attracted to flakes and drama queens.


What's the problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 1:20pm

1/2 your age? does that mean she is 9 and you are 18...from your post you don't sound much more mature than she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:21pm

Welcome to the board countryguy2008,


Sorry your message was truncated, it has been reported and the powers that be are working on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:43pm

Welcome to the board,


I have to say that I agree with all the other posters. I don't think this relationship has much of a chance. There has been much game playing on both sides. Relationships like that rarely work out and are never healthy. I think taking a break from dating right now would probably be the best thing you could do at this point.