I REALLY want him back...am doing things the right way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2012
I REALLY want him back...am doing things the right way?
5
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 8:51pm

We met in 2009...he was really into me...I wasn't into to him at all--at the time--so we just became friends. He subsequently moved to a city three hours away. About 8 months later we re-connected and sparks flew. We started a long-distance relationship which we made work because we really liked each other. Our relationship never became official, however, because, at the time, I was so insecure and terrified of getting hurt that I sabotaged the relationship. He really cared about me, so he gave me so many chances. We were on and off for a while and then ultimately became just good friends. This was over the course of about two years. 

So I've grown a lot since then and am in a really great place in my life. I'm finally happy and have learned to love myself. So we re-connected on a more romantic level back in September of this year. I went to visit him a few times and we just hung out (no sex, just cuddling and the like). A few weeks ago, I told him that I was sorry for everything I did in the past and that I am ready to try again--this time without the drama. He told me he is open to trying again. I left him alone after that--I didn't want to seem forceful--and about two weeks later (about a week and a half ago), he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his roommates. I'm so happy, excited and grateful about this, but now I just want to make sure I don't screw it up! 

So here are my questions:

First: Am I handling this okay so far? Since I opened up about wanting to try again, I've been giving him his space to come around on his own (i.e.: not initiating contact, etc.). Is this the best way for me to go about it? We hardly communicate at all--no phone calls or "just because" texts--and I want to know that this is normal and that I'm doing the right thing by letting him figure things out without pushing him in one direction or the other. 

Second: What are other ways I can facilitate him coming around? Or behaviors/actions I can show him to make him feel comfortable to open up and realize that there truly is a safe place next to me? My goal isn't to rush or push him in one way or the other, I want to come around on his own. I just plan on being the new wonderful me and let him figure out that I've changed as he experiences it. I know it's going to take time for the wounds to heal and for him to fully trust me and open up again.

Third: How do I deal with the blinding uncertainty until he comes around? I feel so insecure about where we stand and I go back and forth between feeling good about us to feeling very uneasy...like maybe he doesn't want me and he's just being polite by inviting me to visit for Thanksgiving. It's driving me insane! I just wish he would ask me to be his girlfriend already, but a part of me feels like maybe he'll change his mind about me to find someone "better." I don't know, sometime I just don't feel like men see me as being "good enough" even though I know for myself that I am.

Any advice you can give will be so appreciated!

Thank you!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

pulchritudinous2 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">We met in 2009...he was really into me...I wasn't into to him at all--at the time--so we just became friends. He subsequently moved to a city three hours away. About 8 months later we re-connected and sparks flew. We started a long-distance relationship which we made work because we really liked each other. Our relationship never became official, however, because, at the time, I was so insecure and terrified of getting hurt that I sabotaged the relationship. He really cared about me, so he gave me so many chances. We were on and off for a while and then ultimately became just good friends. This was over the course of about two years. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">So I've grown a lot since then and am in a really great place in my life. I'm finally happy and have learned to love myself. So we re-connected on a more romantic level back in September of this year. I went to visit him a few times and we just hung out (no sex, just cuddling and the like). A few weeks ago, I told him that I was sorry for everything I did in the past and that I am ready to try again--this time without the drama. He told me he is open to trying again. I left him alone after that--I didn't want to seem forceful--and about two weeks later (about a week and a half ago), he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his roommates. I'm so happy, excited and grateful about this, but now I just want to make sure I don't screw it up! </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">So here are my questions:</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">First: Am I handling this okay so far? Since I opened up about wanting to try again, I've been giving him his space to come around on his own (i.e.: not initiating contact, etc.). Is this the best way for me to go about it? We hardly communicate at all--no phone calls or "just because" texts--and I want to know that this is normal and that I'm doing the right thing by letting him figure things out without pushing him in one direction or the other. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">Second: What are other ways I can facilitate him coming around? Or behaviors/actions I can show him to make him feel comfortable to open up and realize that there truly is a safe place next to me? My goal isn't to rush or push him in one way or the other, I want to come around on his own. I just plan on being the new wonderful me and let him figure out that I've changed as he experiences it. I know it's going to take time for the wounds to heal and for him to fully trust me and open up again.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">Third: How do I deal with the blinding uncertainty until he comes around? I feel so insecure about where we stand and I go back and forth between feeling good about us to feeling very uneasy...like maybe he doesn't want me and he's just being polite by inviting me to visit for Thanksgiving. It's driving me insane! I just wish he would ask me to be his girlfriend already, but a part of me feels like maybe he'll change his mind about me to find someone "better." I don't know, sometime I just don't feel like men see me as being "good enough" even though I know for myself that I am.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">Any advice you can give will be so appreciated!</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#333333; font-family:'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#e1ebf2">Thank you!</span></p>

My advice to you is to stop playing games. Stop projecting your mindset onto him as if it's not yours to own.

If you want him---and if you *really* want him back--then act like a woman who wants this man.  The way you're acting, you're giving off mixed signals.  Telling him you're interested in more and then backing off looks like you're just playing games.  That he's even stuck around this far speaks to his extraordinary patience... but even that has a limit and eventually, he will reach his if you keep running hot and cold on him.

What is there for him to figure out?  He's the one, as you said: he was really into me.  is open to trying again.

You are the one acting like you need convincing, not him. You're the one who needs to come around, not him.  He has been showing you that he wants something with you all along.

If you want to know where you stand, open your mouth and ask him.  He will tell you.  A man who isn't into you isn't going to invite you to Thanksgiving with people he knows, likes and/or trusts--he'd set up something for the next evening with just you two if that was the case.

You are making your own self insecure; not him.  He's not doing anything at all to twist you all up in the knots you're currently twisting yourself up into. 

Stop projecting, stop torturing yourself with the unknown and get yourself informed as to where he is and what he wants. Ask him what his intentions are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2012

Thank you soooooo much for the upfront and genuine response.  I agree that I am twisting myself up inside. I keep going back and forth--feeling happy one minute, then completely miserable the next.

I should also say that I DID ask him where we stood and all he said was that he's open to something working out between us.  I tried to probe to see exactly where his emotions lie, but he nervously changed the subject after he admitted that he's "scared"--his words.  That's why I don't want to push him...I don't want to scare him off. But I think you're right when you say that it's MY problem not HIS.  

BUT, I do feel like I've done my part. I've opened up to him and made myself incredibly vulnerable and now I'm feeling sort of left out in the cold waiting for him to embrace me. And since I opened up, he hasn't done much to stay connected with me...keep in mind that he lives 3 hours away.  He hasn't called or texted with the exception of the invite. I've reached out a few times to ask how things are going in his life, but he gives me 3 word responses and has not once asked how I'm doing.  There's been some superficial communication on Facebook...but that's it.  Isn't that a mixed signal from him too?  To ask me to Thanksgiving, then do nothing to stay in touch in the interim?  

I've been keeping myself busy--I've got a lot going on in my own life, but it still weighs on my mind. I guess that's why I posted in this forum...to get advice on how to cope with it.  I don't know...we'll see what happens when I see him during the Thanksgiving weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I get this feeling that now that you've decided you want a relationship w/ him, you expect him to jump--the guy has been burned before by you so no wonder he's cautious.  You've only been reconnected for a very short time, yet you expect him to ask you to be his GF?  Why?  Add to that the fact that you have a LDR and you probably haven't seen each other that much.  I think he's waiting to see if you change your mind again based on your past history.  And of course you feel insecure--really that's what practically all relationships feel like in the beginning when people are trying to figure out what is going on.  He said he's open to trying again, so leave it at that.  Just be nice to him, be consistent and don't keep pressing him for "where are we now?" answers.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

pulchritudinous2 wrote:
<p>Thank you soooooo much for the upfront and genuine response.  I agree that I am twisting myself up inside. I keep going back and forth--feeling happy one minute, then completely miserable the next.</p><p>I should also say that I DID ask him where we stood and all he said was that he's open to something working out between us.  I tried to probe to see exactly where his emotions lie, but he nervously changed the subject after he admitted that he's "scared"--his words.  That's why I don't want to push him...I don't want to scare him off. But I think you're right when you say that it's MY problem not HIS.  </p><p>BUT, I do feel like I've done my part. I've opened up to him and made myself incredibly vulnerable and now I'm feeling sort of left out in the cold waiting for him to embrace me. And since I opened up, he hasn't done much to stay connected with me...keep in mind that he lives 3 hours away.  He hasn't called or texted with the exception of the invite. I've reached out a few times to ask how things are going in his life, but he gives me 3 word responses and has not once asked how I'm doing.  There's been some superficial communication on Facebook...but that's it.  Isn't that a mixed signal from him too?  To ask me to Thanksgiving, then do nothing to stay in touch in the interim?  </p><p>I've been keeping myself busy--I've got a lot going on in my own life, but it still weighs on my mind. I guess that's why I posted in this forum...to get advice on how to cope with it.  I don't know...we'll see what happens when I see him during the Thanksgiving weekend.</p>

My advice would be to ease up this week. You've got an invite for T'giving next week, so for the time being, chill. Music is right--you're not his girlfriend... you're both trying to figure out if this LDR between you two is even workable and worth investing in. For someone who has thrown a lot of cold water on this guy, for you to suddenly turn up the heat on him and expect him to behave like he's your boyfriend would be confusing to any man.

After dinner, when it's just the two of you, tell him what you want out of this. Tell him what being in a relationship looks like, sounds like, smells like, *IS LIKE* for you.  If he is willing to throw in, then cool.  If he isn't, or if he hems and haws, then right there you know to make it your last date and to move on.

Him saying that he's "scared" and him dropping the subject is only his defense mechanism because you've let him down in the past.  You need to own that you've contributed to this mindset and that you are aware that your actions have resulted in his being overly cautious.

All actions have consequences and these are the consequences of your past policy with him.

  It's time for you to make the declaration--and yeah, you might get shot down, but then again, you might get the response you've been after. Once you make that declaration, however, you have to be consistent in your behavior. That means no going incommunicado on him; no running hot and cold.  You have to then back up your talk with action.  If you don't, then this will be over and he most likely won't make an attempt again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Well, it's Thanksgiving and I hope everything went alright. Afer today though, let him keep taking taing the lead. Let us know how it went!