I said I love you... Guys please help on this one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2001
I said I love you... Guys please help on this one...
10
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 8:06pm

Sorry I know this is a little long but just want to give the whole picture…

We have been in an official relationship for 6 months.  It has been absolutely wonderful.  I've never met anyone like him.  An honest to goodness gentleman, didn't think they existed any longer.  He won't let me open a door, hold a bag, make a cup of coffee.  He makes me breakfast before he leaves for work in the morning when I stay at his place, always holds my hand, and never lets me go when we sleep together at night.  I have never felt so loved.  I have known how I felt for a couple of months but I held back.  I wanted him to say it first because I didn't want to put pressure on him.  But this weekend he took me on a weekend trip for my birthday.  And I was just feeling it so much that I told him.  "I have to tell you something, you don't have to say it back but I want you to know I love you."

Reaction, in a nice calm voice:  So soon?, I say it's not that soon. Since when? I say it’s been a while.  Then he started rubbing the top of his head and making this aaahhh sound like when you're driving and realize you've been driving for miles in the wrong direction and now you have to turn around.  Then he hugs me and says, that is such a strong word.  I care about you so much but that is such a strong word I want to be sure I mean it when I say it.  I said, I told you, you didn't need to say it back.  I just wanted you to know how I feel.  Then I asked him if I had just ruined the weekend.  I didn't mean to pressure him or overwhelm him.  He said no, but I have just felt terrible ever since.  He has treated me the same, no difference since that night but it’s only been two days.

I feel terrible because I don't understand his hesitation and his reaction.  In particular with the sound he made and the scratching of his head; like, holy s*** aaaahhh I f****d up!!  I mentioned earlier how he treats me.  I am so confused.  He brings me to his family functions. He even invited me to his grandmother’s memorial service where it was family only.  This was just a few weeks ago.  Why would you bring me to something like that if you don't feel that way about me?  If you're still not sure about me at this point will you ever feel that way?  My gut says no.  What more is there to know?  What else is there to see or experience with me for you to know?  We spend every other day together unless one of us has a reason we can't.  And I have not pushed this on him.  I have often said; if you think you need a little space just let me know it’s ok.  He always says no.  He asked me to be his girlfriend after the 3rd date.  We have discussed wanting marriage and children. 

I don't understand how you could be so loving and affectionate all the time and not feel this way.  It's a huge disconnect for me.  We are both 37.  According to him he has not had a real relationship since HS.  I am divorced.  I have thought, well maybe he is scared to say it.  But if I said it first and you feel it, what would there be to scared of?  Maybe he is scared of commitment but then why ask for a committed relationship so early?  Why have such a close relationship the way we do?

I don't want to end up in one of those relationships where you go out for 7 years and you never move to the next step.  I feel like if you know there is no real future than don't string me along, just let me go.  Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't want you to go too crazy about it--just go on as usual & give him time to think.  When you said that you discussed marriage & children, was that in general or in reference to thinking that you might want to marry each other some day?  Cause if you said that to each other, it would seem odd to me that he would be so freaked out about the word love, esp. if you have been exclusive for 6 months.  I don't really think it's that soon since w/ my 1st DH we got engaged after dating less than 6 mos (then had a long engagement).  I guess everyone has their own timetable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2001

Thanks so much for your reply.  We discussed it as something we both wanted. Not with each other specifically but meaning that is something we wanted for the future so we were not looking for someone to just "spend time" with. We were being clear that we wanted a relationship that would hopefully lead to those things. I know we didn't say I want to marry you but even discussing that with a romantic partner is saying I am looking for this type of commitment, at least I think. So him being so shocked with me saying I love you at this point just confuses me. I will take it easy. I'm not gonna act all crazy in front of him but I can't help to be really consumed by this. I was so sad all day. But its getting better as each hour passes. I guess I just have to try to be more patient but if a few more months pass and nothing, I may have to re-evaluate this situation.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 4:19am

 Actions speak louder than words.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Since he treats you so well, if it were me, I'd give him another 6 months. He may feel he's infatuated at this point, and that real love needs a little more time. At the one year mark, if he hasn't said that he loves you, I would ask him how he feels. You have the right to know. If a person is incapable of feeling love after a year together, then maybe he's emotionally incapable of loving someone for whatever reason. If he hasn't had a real relationship in all of his adult years, this is a big red flag. At some point, you may want to ask him why he's never had a real relationship for some insight into how he thinks. After a year together, you will have given him enough time to develop stronger feelings for you and you need to weigh your pros and cons for staying or leaving. A friend of mine dated someone for 3 years (they broke up once for a few months). She told me they were buying a house together. I told her not to, since he'd never told her he loved her. She didn't listen. After living together for a year and a half, she found out he was communicating with exes inappropriately and broke it off. It was a nightmare getting the house situation solved. It's hard to find a good man these days. I hope he comes through for you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You've gotten a lot of good advice here.  Don't make a mountain out of a molehill!  No matter that he feels that it's a "strong" word, it's still just a word, it's how you felt at that moment.  Maybe he wasn't sure of YOU and it surprised him.  Maybe other women have thrown those words at him and it didn't work out.  What is his relationship history?  A cheating g/f?  Has he ever told you WHY he's never had a relationship since HS?  He might just be gun shy, and six months is NOT a long time, in fact it's too early to say you KNOW someone, because you don't.  I would think that jumping in with both feet after just 3 dates is really kind of impetuous.  And his polite and generous behavior might just be the way he was taught to treat ALL women, some men are, even though you might not have met one before.  It could have more to do with "respect" than with love.  Taking you to family affairs, even funerals isn't any kind  of commitment either.  His family probably knows he has a g/f, and why not include her in family affairs?  You need to just relax, forget you ever said it, and go on enjoying the relationship.  Some men NEVER say "I love you"!  As someone else said, actions speak louder than words, but you're trying to read something into those actions that isn't necessarily there.  If this goes on for a year......then would be the time to start wondering if he hasn't yet made or discussed any further commitment.  If you enjoy his company, then forget all about it, and continue to enjoy his company.  Don't EVER bring it up again.......at least for a long time.  And as for the woman who's hanging around for 7 years with no commitment, that would be HER fault, not his.  After a year or two tops, if he's not making the final commitment, then it's time to move on.  Why would anyone wait 7 years, unless they too are afraid of real commitment.  Enjoy yourself, good men are hard to find!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I'd give it more time. Sure 6 months of exclusive dating is enough time for some people to feel in love, but not all. I think being careful and being sure are good things. By your description of how things are going otherwise, I do not see any red flags. Nothing to indicate he is stringing you along or anything. Give it another 3 to 6 months and after that if he is not feeling it then maybe it would be time to start to question things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

'...At the one year mark, if he hasn't said that he loves you, I would ask him how he feels. You have the right to know. If a person is incapable of feeling love after a year together, then maybe he's emotionally incapable of loving someone for whatever reason.'

 NO. No no no no and, sorry, again, no. I so totally do not agree with this.

First, you can't seriously be suggesting that  the OP asks the man 'how he feels' in 6 months time. This, imho, would not be very good advice even if this time didn't happen. Considering his reaction..the absolute worst thing she could do is go 'digging' in that area again, effectively begging  him to say he loved her. This is just...ugh, no way. I'm not a man, and even I wouldn't be impressed.

Second, this: 'If a person is incapable of feeling love after a year together, then maybe he's emotionally incapable of loving someone for whatever reason'. This is so not the case, so totally unfounded and untrue, in my opinion and experience. My partner and myself have now been together for coming up to 10 years. He made it very clear from very early on that he wanted us to be very serious (same as the OP's bf, he asked me to be his gf at 3rd-4th date). He fell in love with me at, a rough guess, about 1.5   - 2 years together. He showed me this through everything he did, his every action, how he treated me, what we did together, making me part of  his life, his family, everything that was his etc etc. Yet he didn't actualy SAY that he loved me until we'd been together for about 4 years. He kept asking, jokingly: 'say you love me!'  And I'd respond, jokingly, 'NO, only after you've said it first!' And he wouldn't!! And then one day he actually did.

As Musiclover says, everyone has their own timelines.

I don't think OP should do anything at all, at any stage. All she can do now is see what happens. If this man is as serious about her as he seems to want her to think..she will know. And there's all the time in the world for 'I love you's - it's only words after all and words are cheap.. words don't mean terribly much at all.

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-05-2013 - 10:12am

You just know there is some percentage of people saying i love you and not meaning it. Like in the case of the OP, you are in the early stages of the relationship and someone throws it out there. Well you as the recipient, if you do not feel the same, have two choices. You can be truthful and upfront as in this case, or you can lie so the other person does not feel awkward, hurt, etc. I would venture it is not an insignificant percentage of people who choose the latter.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

I think he is a gentlemen by nature, and I wouldn't put too much weight on any of this right now.  You said although it has only been a couple days, he hasn't been acting any differently.  That is telling.  If he was freaked out, you would know. 

I could count on one hand how many times my now DH said "I love you" in the first 6 years we were together.  It wasn't until earlier this year when we got engaged that he maybe said it once.  We married in June (after 7 years together) and he just now is becoming comfortable with the word. 

So, everyone is different.  Give it some time and go from there.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
These videos records near death experience of people that have visited Heaven and Hell and came back and tell the story. The important thing to note is they all had very same description about Heaven and / or Hell. Please see them all.
 Another interesting website that has lot of videos about Heaven and Hell.