I seem to be the only one willing to work on our marriage
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|Fri, 12-06-2013 - 12:48pm|
My husband and I have been having problems off and on for about 12 yrs of our 20 yr marriage. It began 12 yrs ago when I found out he was going online and chatting with strange women and telling them I had died in an accident. He was having cyber sex nightly. From there it progressed to an affair with a co-worker. When I caught him making plans with her on the phone I confronted him. He blew up and said he didn't love me and had not for a long time. He said I never had sex with him and that is why he needed to find it elsewhere. I had 3 children, worked full time outside of the house and did EVERYTHING at home. He would not even get up once in the middle with any of the children. Therefore I was exhausted all the time. He refused to understand that if he helped out a little I would be less tired and therefore would be more willing to have sex. He would make a point of pushing me to have sex when I was either half asleep or at my most exhausted point so he could storm out of the bedroom and say, "See, this is what I am talking about!" He is very passive aggressive.
He ended up not leaving and we attempted counseling. He didn't want any part of it and would not work on the relationship. He has always taken the easy way out of everything! If something is difficult he gives up and takes a negative stance that nothing will work or matter. Drives me nuts!
2 yrs later I suspect he was having another affair after picking up the phone and hearing a weird conversation. I confronted him again but he denied it. He lies about EVERYTHING under the sun so I still don't believe it. Shortly after that he exploded and left me again staying it was a mistake to come back 2 yrs ago and that he didn't love me at all. His entire family was behind him and said it was about time because they have never liked me. After a long discussion about everything and he admitted he was very depressed. We got him on antidepressants which seemed to help a lot. He refused therapy because you know, "it would never work! "
Around this time he starting having severe anger issues. He would blow up over the smallest of things and go into fits of rage. He was very rough with my middle son and took his frustrations out on him. Never to the point of hurting him. He would punch walls, kick things, throw things, cuss etc. We have dents and holes all through out house! The doctor said it was just his ADHD and told him to keep taking his pills. I think he is just addicted to them so he made up the story about needing them to control his anger. Believe me, it isn't controlled! He continues to go into fits of rage. If the dog pees on the floor because of a thunderstorm, he will go through the house screaming and pounding on things. The poor dogs have PTSD now, as do I! He refuses to get help for his anger saying that a therapist can't do anything for him and that his anger is normal. He will quickly point out the times I became angry (no comparrison) and say that I have the problem. Apparently, only he can get angry. Those of us who have rational normal anger (when the kids lie, no one cleans up etc)...we have no reason to ever be angry. He just needs to deflect everything off him.
His porn usage has continued since I first caught him. It has gotten far worse though and I believe he is addicted. My oldest daughter has walked in on him during the day masterbating to porn in our living room. She has found many dvds and magazines hidden throughout our house as far back as the age of 5! She is traumatized by it. However, despite the kids catching him, he still does it. I tried to talk to him about it, but the minute I calmly sit down to discuss it, he flies off the handle in a fit of rage and lies about it. He will lie about it even when we catch him red handed. He has tried to blame the porn on the computers on our sons even. The hidden magazines he will say have been there for years and that he just forgot about them.....despite the date being current. He now sleeps on the couch at night just so he watch his porn. He will stay up all night watching it and chewing tobacco then sleep all day if it's his day off.
This leads me to his excessive laziness! He works a swing shift so his schedule is 7 days of overnights, 2 days off, 7 days of 2nd shift, 2 days off, 7 days of 1st shift then 3 days off. When he works overnights, he will come home around 5:30a and go straight to bed. He will sleep until about 3 or 4p, get up just to get the kids from school, come home and go right back to bed....telling us he is on nights you know! He will not help with dinner and will stay in bed until he hears me serving dinner to the kids. He will come downstairs, serve himself some food, gulp it down and go right back to bed until 30 minutes before he has to leave. Because he is on nights you know! I am left to cook dinner, clean up and help the kids with school work. On 2nd shift, he will come home around 9:30p, eat dinner and wait till he thinks we are all in bed. Then he will turn on the porn and stay up most of the night, watching porning, sneaking food (usually stuff I need for meals) and chewing tobacco. If I ask him about the missing food, he will tell me the kids did it and that they lie about it. He will then sleep until 30 mintues before leaving for work the next day at noon. On first shift he gets home around 1:30p and goes straight to bed because you know he had to be at work at 5am. He will usually sleep until time to get the kids then he will go right back to bed, sleep until he hears dinner being served then back to bed until I go to bed. At which point he goes down on the couch and waits for us to sleep so he can watch his porn, sneak food and chew tobacco.
On his days off, he will NOT move off the couch or out of bed. He will bring the kids to school then go right to bed where he will stay until they have to be picked up again. When I talk to him about doing something, he screams at me and tells me I just want him to be my slave and do all the housework. I remind him that I do it all as it is. At which point he tells me if that if I did it all there shouldn't be anything for him to do and that the house would be cleaner. OK, I work full time, cook all the meals. grocery shop, pay the bills and care for our 3 children. He doesn't know what our bills our, how much money we have, what the kids schedules are ( I tell him daily) etc. I gave him a copy of our budget once and he crumbled it up and threw it out. Budgets are meaningless to him....he spends $100s of dollars each month on soda, chew and junk food on his way to work every day, yet we struggle to pay our bills. It doesn't help that his mom tells him he works so hard that he should not have to help at home. Even when he was unemployed for the better part of 5 years, she told him I should be doing everything. He loves to hear that! I am just lazy!
When he lost his very good paying job, he laid on the couch all day every day! He didn't look for work, send out resumes, nothing! I had to do all that for him. I have a cushy office job, so I sat at work all day looking for a job for him! I know I was enabling him, but his laziness was effecting our children! I couldn't let them go without! I was never allowed to talk to him about it either. When I did he would go into a fit of rage and tell me he is not my butler and did not need to help out! All of our arguments always go back to him saying I just want him to be my slave! I don't know how many times I heard him scream, "Get off my back!" In other words, he doesn't feel as though he should ever have to help out. His one main job was always laundry. He did it off and on for about a year, now he will only wash his own clothes, sometimes the boys. But never ever mine or our daughter's. He had the nerve to throw a huge tantrum last night because the boys had to dig through a pile of clothes that completely covers our entire very large laundry room...apparently they messed up his mess! I dont even go down there because it is so bad! Several times a year, I will take a week off from work to catch up on the laundry....yes it is that bad!
As I am typing this, I can't help but wonder why I have stayed all these years. If I had a girl friend tell me this was happening in her life, I would say run! I know he is emotionally and verbally abusive. My children have suffered by living with it. He has taught them that lying is OK, men don't need to help around the house and anger is the answer to everything. I already see my 16 yr old son following very closely in his footsteps. He will not get help. I recently sent my 16 yr old to therapist who told him his anxiety issues are from his enviroment and he felt my husband was depressed. This of course made my husband angry because there is nothing wrong with him. One minute I hate him with every part of my being. The next I love him and don't want to leave! UGH!!!!!!