I snooped - should I confess?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I snooped - should I confess?
9
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 9:48am

Ok, I went through my BFs facebook messages today ... I feel terrible about it because I just can't lie to him.

I didn't find anything of course.  Just slightly depressing conversations with his friends about girls and some porno in his internet history (which he's open about, so I knew that anyway). 

I think I did it because he often goes out without me and gets very drunk.  I've seen him when he's in that state and it makes me worried about what he might do.  And it makes me feel pathetic just sitting at home waiting for him to come home, because I don't have friends of my own.  It's like he goes out to escape me, and I'm expected to be here when he wants normality again.

Wanted some opinions - should I tell him what I did ??  Or would that just not solve anything.  I hope I've learnt my lesson not to do it again, but he's so difficult to comunicate with these days, I feel like I can talk to him anymore.  Which in turn, makes me suspicious...

How can I stop the cycle of crazy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 12:20pm

I think the bigger issue is that you need to address the underlying problems.  First of all, you need to get some friends--why don't you have any?  If you & BF broke up, then what would you do?  Sit home all the time?  You definitely need girlfriends in your life.  When I was married to 2nd DH, who had depression, I would always feel  guilty about going out w/ my friends because he really had no friends--I wasn't doing anything crazy, just going to lunch or shopping & he did encourage me to do this, but I would have felt better if sometimes he would go out w/ a guy friend.  I was really happy when he joined a photography club so he would have his own interest.  I don't think it's healthy for a relationship for people not to have other friends or their own interests.  It makes you boring.

The 2nd problem is that although I think he should be able to have the occasional guys night out, why does he feel the need to get really drunk?  Can't he just go out & have fun & have a few drinks?  I would definitely address that issue w/ him--why does he have to get drunk?  And then does he drive home?  It's irresponsible & dangerous.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 11:09am
I agree with the others. He has friends besides you, thats healthy! He goes out with them without you along, again, healthy! You have no friends, not healthy! He does not go out to escape you, he goes out because its normal.

Separate issue, his drinking. If you do not like how is is when he drinks then you either need to address that with him, or move on to a new relationship Shoving it under the rug is not going to help, that just pushes the issue down the road.

I don't think it matters whether you tell him about facebook or not, you have larger issues that are going to drive you two apart anyway unless they are addressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 5:31pm

>>The 2nd problem is that although I think he should be able to have the occasional guys night out, why does he feel the need to get really drunk? Can't he just go out & have fun & have a few drinks? I would definitely address that issue w/ him--why does he have to get drunk? And then does he drive home? It's irresponsible & dangerous.<<

I wanted to elaborate on what Music said.   First let it be said that I agree with her - getting smashed each time I go out is not something I can see the attraction in. 

However, I wonder if the culture he's in is like ours.  Binge drinking among younger people here is endemic.    I know that in his 20's (before we were together) my hubby regularly got smashed on weekend nights.  A night out with mates wasn't considered a success unless they were coming home wrecked in the small hours.    

I tend to agree with the advice that you have to consider if this is the life you want for yourself.  My hubby grew out of it by the time he was in his mid 30's....though still does it on rare occassions.   I can tell you that there's no way I would have lasted with him had we been dating while he was still frequently binge drinking.