I Still Feel Guilt....
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:28am |
It was a very painful break-up, we were together for a long, long time. We were going to get married once, but I had second thoughts. I started wondering if he was the one for me. I was 29, and had been with the same Man since I was 18. He was the only Man I had ever lived with, and the only relationship I had ever had. I felt that I needed to be out on my own.
I left him twice. The first time, I moved out on my own, and we reconciled after 6-months. Then, 2-years later I moved out again -- but this time, I was getting emotionally involved with someone else. I was going through so much emotionally, and I don't think I was thinking clearly. My BF wanted to work things out, and I didn't. I was determined to move out. Well, I did and soon after my new BF moved in with me. It was very hard on me because I was dealing with so much. I was stressed out at work, and dealing with the loss of my relationship, AND my Ex BF sold our house, and he quit his job and moved out of State. I was devistated. At that point I realized, that I was alone. I felt so lost and completely alone. Looking back, I think I should have given myself some time, and not get involved with anyone. I was in such a fragile state, and it caused a great strain on me and my new BF. At times, I was sure he would leave me, but he stuck by me.
I don't feel like myself anymore, I haven't been the same since this all happened. My life has changed completely. I caused so much pain, not only for me, but my Ex and my new BF....I can't believe what I've done. I feel like I destroyed his life, and I still can't forget about that. I know that I need to move on, and stop feeling this way. Is something seriously wrong with me? I am a very good person, and I don't go around hurting people. I never wanted to hurt him. I told him this. I poured my heart out and apologized to him after I left. I was the only Woman he ever had, and he never expected me to do something like that to him.
He probably has a good life now, and is better off without me. God knows how sorry I am, so sorry.

Pages
I know that I should forgive myself. The fact that my Ex wanted to work things out, even after I left, showed that he forgave me. I'm reading a great book now and I'm learning that one must forgive ourselves, or we will destroy ourselves. We must let go, because when we choose not to forgive, we hold ourselves prisoners. This is so true....
Yes, I think I am too hard on myself. My Ex BF used to tell me that, and my current BF tells me the same thing. I guess I am a very compassionate person, and I have deep emotions. I am a good person (I know that in my heart), but I still feel terrible for what I've done. My life is such a mess now because of it.
Yes. When my Ex BF sold "our" house, quit his job (a good job), and moved away to another State (his home State), I was desvastated, because things went further than I wanted them to. YOU ARE SO RIGHT. My Ex BF even said he shouldn't have done that. He made decisions too hastily, and he wound up in a bad situation. But I know I can't change the past. I can't change what happened.
He was a good Man. We had our problems, but he wasn't a drug addict, or abusive. He did so much for me. He always stood by me. I thought I would always be with him. The saying is true, "The decisions you make today, can affect the rest of your life." I've learned that the hard way. Believe me, I wasn't looking to cheat on him, or leave him for someone else, NO. NO. I started getting involved with someone else, and one thing led to another -- and I began to drift further and further away from my partner. I should have talked to him, instead of someone else.
The thing that scares me, is that I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way. And, I know this is not good. My current relationship has been strained, to say the least. He was laid off from one job, and left his most recent job, and now our life is in chaos. I know he is trying to change that, but I feel my life is so unstable right now. And, I look back on my past a lot with my Ex BF, because I feel those were the best times of my life (sad). My Ex BF had a stable career -- never had a gap in his employment, and that made me feel secure. Now, who knows what will happen?
Sorry, I am just venting here. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my Family, they just wouldn't understand.
I know I cannot continue my life like this, because it is not healthy. I already have high blood pressure, and I am taking medication, and I have Hypothyroid -- which I think was brought on by all the "drama" and stress in my life.
I just want to have peace. I don't want anymore "Drama".
Regret is a hard place to remain in - espeically after 4 yrs.
Let me ask you, how long to you plan on punishing yourself? Could you, would you, when? Could you let go of some of the guilt and regret? Will you? When? - A little each day.
You've learned a lot about yourself, now you have to accept yourself, know that you have grown as a person, matured, would do things differently and ACCEPT that you did what you did in the moment, because it was your decision and now you have to life with it. It doesn't make you a bad person. Lots of people make mistakes, have experiences, etc, that shape our lives and make us who we are.
If you'd like a forgiveness letter to write out, email me. Onetwinflame@hotmail.com
If you are still having trouble, consider short-term counseling to get through your feelings so you can move on to a happier life.
My best to you.
Carrie
It's fine that you need to vent. I like this board for that, too. I was just thinking that since you say the times with your ex were the best in your life, maybe you can try to find something special just between you and your new guy (sort of new). For some reason, a picnic comes to mind. However, that's a little trite maybe. Just anything to de-stress that you two could enjoy together and have special between you. Maybe working out.
I know financial worries can be very troubling. However, there needs to be a way to not let them control our lives. When I'm stressed about finances I always think of at least one broker who jumped off of a skyscraper because the stock market crashed. It kind of puts it into perspective for me. Money is not worth one's life and we're all entitled to some resources as I believe everything is God's, anyway. So if you don't have a lot, just remember that if a person isn't content with what they have, they don't ever seem to be content with anything. It's not really about how much we have, but in the words of Michelle Branch, we need to learn to "want what we have". I'm trying to teach my children that and it's an up-hill battle.
It sounds like you're talking more to your new partner, which is good, because you said you and your ex drifted apart. I know it's hard. My mother gave me advice once that with an ex, you can keep him as if in a little corner of your heart and bring him out and look at him once in awhile.
I just had a thought, maybe your new guy is closely associated with your ex in your mind since you were still with him when you started getting involved with your current. That could be what's making it so difficult to forget him. Maybe just recognizing that could help. I've found that if it's something that's not TOO painful, just thinking it through, all the different aspects, until I feel better/normal about it helps. Surprisingly, it works. I always avoided thinking about things that bothered me, but now I know that just lets them sit in my subconscious and bug me.
If you need to vent, feel free. Best wishes.
Sometimes, I try and analyze things in my head, I ask myself questions, and play over in my mind what happened. I guess I am trying to find closure with it all, I'm looking for redemption.
I guess when all of this was materializing, I never thought down the road, that I would feel this way. If only I knew then what I know now, but we can't predict the future.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate hearing others advice.
My BF and I do talk sometimes about things. I don't like to bring up the past with him, because it is very difficult. But at times, the subject does come up. He even told me a few times that he sometimes feel guilty for what happened, like he messed up my life. But I made the choice. My BF is a great guy, and I love him very much... but if I could do it all over again, I would have told him not to get involved with me. What I went through, I don't wish to happen to anyone.
My life was crumbling down around me when I was getting involved with him. I was moving out of my house and into an apartment, my Ex BF Mother was diagnosed with stage 5 lung cancer, and she passed away....I was devastated. Then, a month later, my Step Father suddenly died of heart failure. He was ill for a long time. I was under such stress....I was numb. My Mother was a wreck, and I was dealing with her and trying to give her all the support I could. My Mother is still not doing well. She still misses him, and she hasn't been the same since. I was trying to be there for my Ex while all of this was happening. It was such a terrible time. The worst year of my life. This is also a BIG part of why I feel so miserable about what I did. I feel like such a failure in God's eyes. Why didn't someone knock some sense into me?
My Ex BF was devastated when he lost his Mother. He was very close to her, and went home to visit her as much as he could before she passed. He was hurting so badly, and I wasn't there for him the way I should have been. Shame on me. For that, I will never forgive myself. I was very close to his Mother as well. She was like the Mom I never had. The sweetest person you'd want to meet, and she didn't deserve to suffer like that.
Yes, I think you are right. The fact that I got involved with my current BF while I was still with my Ex makes things difficult. I think I will always be reminded of him, because he replaced (physically) my Ex., and there is always that reminder. Actually, he does share some similarities, interests, etc. I feel so badly sometimes, because I look at my BF and think, "This is not fair to him, I can't be the complete, loving person he deserves, when my mind is elsewhere....I feel he's being cheated, he is such a good person, so sweet and loving....but he's not getting a 100% of me."
I guess because I've only been in one relationship in my Adult life, I never knew what it would be like to be with someone else. The strange thing about this too is that I was the first serious relationship my Ex BF and my current BF ever had. So, there is similarity there as well.
I guess, trying to put this all in a positive perspective, I have matured and learned a lot over the past 4 years. I never knew what breaking-up felt like, I always heard stories, saw it in the movies, and listened to sad love songs....but it never really affected me....now I know what it feels like. I was hoping I would never have to find out.
If I go on any further, I will have to write a book. Thanks again for your positive insight, you have been very kind.
I think I also understand better why your ex is so hard to get over. It sounds like you took all that stuff going on then and put it in a file titled "My Ex" in your brain (I believe our brains operate similarly to computers). So when you think of him, all those associated memories of that time come with him, whether consciously thought of or not. Maybe short term counseling would benefit you, just to sort out all the things going on at the time. If you want to email me, my email address is Charity58@msn.com. Best wishes.
Yes, I certainly was going through a lot at that time. That was a very bad year for me. It was definately too much to handle. I sometimes wonder how I got through it all. I know God had to be watching over me.
Everything was happening way too fast, and I don't think that I was thinking clearly, at all. Who would be in that situation?
I really lost it when 8 months after I left my Ex, I got a very disturbing letter from my Ex in the mail, and I called his Father because I was extremely worried about him. His letter made no sense (most of it). I knew that he was getting counseling, and taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. He told me of his sleepless nights, and his heart racing, and all kinds of thoughts, and crying all the time. He said he was going to lose his job, and on and on....his mind went off in different directions.
Well, when I spoke to his Father, I learned that he was in the HOSPITAL. He was living with his Father at the time, and noticed one morning that he did not get up for work. He was stumbling down the stairs, and he was very dissoriented. His Father was very concerned, and learned that he had took too many pills. He called the Ambulence. When I learned this, I cried, and I felt so terrible. I felt like someone just stabbed me in the heart. I was worried about him. I learned that he was okay. Well, when I got off the phone, I cried like a baby, and my BF hears me and was wondering what was going on. I felt like this was the last straw and "I can't take it anymore". I felt responsible for putting him there! I wish I could have been there for him. As it turned out, he was delusional and making things up in his head, and the pills were messing him up. He told me, never take pills for depression, because it messes with your mind. It is very normal to cry and feel sad and depressed when we are going through such traumatic times in our life...that is what GOD intented. Well, as it turned out, he was released from the hospital on my BIRTHDAY. What do you think of that?
That was the point for me where I said "I can't do this anymore." I told my BF that IT IS OVER. He was devastated and said he thought things would not work out between us. It was just all too much for me to bear. This was probably the worst Birthday of my life. My BF moved back to his home state a couple weeks later, and I was alone. Things were very strained for a while. Of course, my BF Mother was very upset and did not want him talking to me, again. I was talking to my Ex BF again, and things felt calmer. He said he felt better talking to me, and that he missed me, and that he was sorry for pushing me away. He said he should not have sold the house, and moved away. He even mentioned us getting back together. I guess I was scared, and did not know what to do. I thought that maybe he needed time, and I would just confuse things, and make things worse. Maybe he needed me to be by his side? I thought that maybe he didn't know what he was saying?
My new BF and I began talking again, and he asked if I want to give things another try. Well, I ended up moving out of my apartment and relocating up where he lived. It was very taumatic and I was even more depressed. I was not happy in the new area. We were closer to his family, which was nice. But, it was very hard on me, emotionally. I began questioning whether or not I did the right thing? I felt my life was such a mess. I guess I've felt this way for so long, because it seems like my life is going nowhere. I feel like I've made things worse and worse.
Do you think I should have been willing to work things out with my Ex BF? Or would that be a mistake? I just feel so stupid sometimes. I felt terrible the last time I spoke to him on the phone. I feel so terrible for telling him that I was getting back together with my new BF, and that I was moving.
I'm sorry to be telling you all of this. It is very long and complicated, and I should talk to a professional about it. I think I have put off too long to try and do something about it.
You sound like you've had your share of dissapointments too. Yes, I think that God never gives us more than we can handle. I'm glad you don't think that I'm a failure in God's eyes. I feel like I am. I'm not a mean or hurtful person, and that is what makes all of this so damn hard. I never thought this would happen to me, never.
Thanks for listening. You've been a real trooper. I sincerely appreciate your support. It's so hard sometimes when you feel so lost. One day, while in the shower, I cried out to God and asked him to help me, help me do what is right, give me direction, and the strength. I don't pray as often as I should.
Thanks for your e-mail address too, I will take you up on your offer.
May God Bless You.
toon, well you certainly should feel some guilt for what you did to your ex.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
I just read your post and my first take on it is that you take more on yourself than you deserve. I can't see how you're responsible for what happened to your ex with the hospital and all. Sure, he was depressed, but it was the medication, or whatever, that made him delusional. You didn't make him do any of that and you're not responsible. He has his own choices to make. Certainly, the situation was unfortunate, but to blame yourself for everything just isn't fair to you. A lot of things happen with or without us, good and bad.
I know how you feel about needing and wanting wisdom. I always remember the verse that says, "If any man lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all men liberally and upbraideth not." I interpret that to mean that He doesn't give any recriminations. If we're sorry, that's it, it's as far from us as the east is from the west.
I don't know if you should have tried to work it out with him at that time or not. It's kind of hard for me to figure-out exactly what was happening, other than that a lot was. I wish I could say specifically what would help you, but while they say hind sight is 20/20, the picture is often faded. I guess that's the problem with therapy, also. For all I know, maybe he was doing stuff to push you away at that time, or maybe he was angry, or who knows? Sometimes a person's needs can be suffocating, also, especially if the one feels overwhelmed by the other's problems.
I can kind of relate to your how your ex may have been feeling when his mother died, because my dad passed away while I was in college. I'm not sure I would have been good in a relationship at that time; I wasn't in one until about a year later. I still wasn't ready then. I know you had a history with this guy, but that doesn't mean that the death of a parent couldn't have totally disrupted everything about your relationship.
I wish I had more time to put into this right now, but the kids are hollering. I just hate to see you feeling so bad about something that may have had many, many more factors. Hopefully, I can add more later. Best wishes.
Pages