I Still Feel Guilt....
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:28am |
It was a very painful break-up, we were together for a long, long time. We were going to get married once, but I had second thoughts. I started wondering if he was the one for me. I was 29, and had been with the same Man since I was 18. He was the only Man I had ever lived with, and the only relationship I had ever had. I felt that I needed to be out on my own.
I left him twice. The first time, I moved out on my own, and we reconciled after 6-months. Then, 2-years later I moved out again -- but this time, I was getting emotionally involved with someone else. I was going through so much emotionally, and I don't think I was thinking clearly. My BF wanted to work things out, and I didn't. I was determined to move out. Well, I did and soon after my new BF moved in with me. It was very hard on me because I was dealing with so much. I was stressed out at work, and dealing with the loss of my relationship, AND my Ex BF sold our house, and he quit his job and moved out of State. I was devistated. At that point I realized, that I was alone. I felt so lost and completely alone. Looking back, I think I should have given myself some time, and not get involved with anyone. I was in such a fragile state, and it caused a great strain on me and my new BF. At times, I was sure he would leave me, but he stuck by me.
I don't feel like myself anymore, I haven't been the same since this all happened. My life has changed completely. I caused so much pain, not only for me, but my Ex and my new BF....I can't believe what I've done. I feel like I destroyed his life, and I still can't forget about that. I know that I need to move on, and stop feeling this way. Is something seriously wrong with me? I am a very good person, and I don't go around hurting people. I never wanted to hurt him. I told him this. I poured my heart out and apologized to him after I left. I was the only Woman he ever had, and he never expected me to do something like that to him.
He probably has a good life now, and is better off without me. God knows how sorry I am, so sorry.

Pages
Let me also say that you do not know the whole picture of everything that happened in our life together. How can you possibly know? I would have to write a book to explain everything.
Also, you seem to paint me as the "Bad" person here. What makes you think that my Ex BF was such a saint?
I was pouring out my heart here in hopes that I might get some emotional support. I don't appreciate you saying that "I ruined his life". I don't take responsibility for a lot of the things that happened to him. He made choices too. I know that I certainly led him to his "downward" spiral, but I don't think I've ruined his life.
I gave him the best years of my life. He damaged me, emotionally. The bottom line is, I decided to leave him because I was not happy with the way he was treating me. We were not married. He was very content living together. He had the milk without buying the cow. I lost everything. So, I wouldn't be so quick to judge others, if I were you. You don't know the whole story. But, the person who does the "dumping" is always the bad person, right? Well, it takes two to tango.
I know I am not a horrible person. I am a good person, who gives too much sometimes, and gets taken advantage of. I was very loyal to him, and gave him everything -- he just didn't give back as much as I gave.
I know that I can't go on beating myself up like this. I think I've handled things pretty well so far. I have days when I'm not handling things very well. Of course, you just can't erase half of your life away. Maybe some people can just move on easier than I can. He was a very important part of my life, and leaving him was the most difficult thing I've ever went through. The pain I've experienced....I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (not that I have any).
Yes, we ALL make mistakes. That is part of being human. Nothing is perfect in this life.
Although I thought much of your comments were a bit harsh, I will take into consideration what you've said here. I appreciate everyone's input.
Anyways....
I know that I contributed to his "downward" spiral. I did feel responsible for him being in the hospital. He was a wreck, and I caused his misery. I know that, and I accept that. I will admit to something when I am wrong. But, I will not take responsibility for EVERYTHING he did after we broke-up. I know he was in a bad place in his life. He realized that he made some bad mistakes too. I was very scared for him, because I felt like he was another person. Maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did all of those years?
Sometimes I think that maybe he wanted me to leave him? Maybe he just didn't have the guts to tell me? I don't know. Did he feel sorry for me? I don't know. Maybe he felt obligated to take care of me, but that is NOT what I wanted. I wanted someone to love and respect me, and treat me like I was the world to them.
Our relationship became very dysfunctional, and we argued about money and stupid things that didn't really matter. I felt that he was never happy with me. I didn't make as much money as he did, and he always made me feel inadequate for that. When we would argue, he would get very intense, and that sometimes scared me. He hurt me many times (emotionally), and made me cry. I guess I am too sensitive. But, I can only take so much verbal battering until I break-down and cry. I sometimes think that I should of have tried to work things out with him, but I guess I just gave up. I felt that the relationship was hopeless, and going nowhere.
I had no control over what happened to his Mother. He lost the most important Woman in his life, and we were all sad, and devastated. It was a horrible, horrible time. I tried to be there for him, but he kept being mean to me and acting cold towards me. And, I know that is to be expected. I hurt him. And when he is hurt, he can be very mean, and say terrible things about people. That is his way of defending himself.
My Step Father passed away 1-month later. He consoled me, and offered his sympathy to me and my Mother. I went to be by my Mother's side after my Step Father died, because she was all alone, and totally crushed. I was trying to do so much all at once. It's a wonder why I didn't have a break-down. I cried a lot. Every night I cried myself to sleep. All I could do was cry. My Mom would call and say she needed someone to talk to. I had to put my own emotional feelings aside to comfort her. I don't think she even realized what I was going through at the time.
I'm sorry for bothering you with this. I've already taken up too much of your time. I appreciate all of your support and well wishes. Don't feel bad, I know you have a family and a life to tend to. I completely understand, really.
Thanks a bunch, and I will try to keep my head up. Some days, it is very hard. I will never be the same person I used to be. I just take it one day at a time.
Another thing that I just thought of. When all of this was happening in my life. I got ZERO support from my Mom (of course, she was a wreck), and my Sister. My Mom, I could understand, because she was grieving and was trying to sort her life out. My Sister, on the other hand was very rude, mean, cocky and cold towards me after my break-up with my Ex BF. She acted very strange towards me, and never really had a heart-to-heart talk with me about what happened. I felt that she didn't care about me. You have to understand, my Sister is very self-centered anyway. So that is nothing new. We had some arguements on the phone, and I went several months without talking to her and my Mom. I felt like they were both against me for what I did. It really hurt me because I needed them, and they didn't give me any emotional support. Of course, my Sister always denies that. I wrote letter to my Mother, and my Sister read them. Things were pretty strained between us for awhile. Then, I started talkint to them, and even visited them. No, my Sister never came to see me.
You see, my Sister was mad that I left my Ex BF. She held a grudge against me. And, she even told me that she was still in contact with my Ex BF, after we broke-up. I felt hurt and thought: "Wow, I guess they feel that he is more important than me?" I don't know why my Sister and her Husband feel the need to stay in contact with him. That is strange. I mean, I have no reason to stay in contact with my Sister's Ex Boyfriends. That would be stupid. I get the feeling that they do things behind my back, without me knowing. I know that they keep things from me, and that hurts me even more. I've have gotten into arguments on the phone with my Sister about this, and she denies it. I say whatever.... But, I still stay in contact with them.
This was another thing that I've had to deal with also over the last couple of years. My current BF thinks this is all really sick, and they can't let go of the past. It really upsets him, and he thinks that I care too much, and I always get hurt in the end. My Sister told me a few months ago that "I need therapy--I can't let go of the past." Oh, and she doesn't? She is the one who needs help. She is an alcoholic, and gets very abusive when she drinks. She has a serious problem. She is not perfect either, by any means.
My life is such a mess, ins't it? My whole life has been this way. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My parents divorced when I was young. My Mom was an alcoholic, and still has problems. Now, she is on all kinds of pills for depression, etc. I feel very bad for her the way she choses to live her life. My Sister has her share of problems too.
God is my saving grace. Without him, I don't know where I would be!
Pages