I suspect another woman is flirting with my boyfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2013
I suspect another woman is flirting with my boyfriend.
8
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 9:20pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months.  Our relationship, while still new in learning about each other, connected immediately with our shared interests, emotions, sincerity, and honesty with each other.  

He is a very generous, kind, and warm person.  Also very personable.  I'm the quieter one in the relationship and he says he understands it doesn't mean I won't have an opinion about something and to feel comfortable to speak to him.  There had been times where it seems like he could be flirting with someone, such as a waitress but I knew he was being charming and it was nothing further than that.

Currently he is living with a female roommate.  At first I never suspected anything between them because I live with a male roommate and in my case we are only housemates and friends.   My boyfriend's roommate is an outgoing type of person and compared to me she is overly friendly.  On one night my boyfriend needed another pillow and asked to borrow one of hers.  As she was about to hand it him she says "this is the one I use this for" and placed the pillow between her legs.  When I saw this I was a little taken back and didn't know what to think of what happened.  My boyfriend laughed and said he'll just flip it over and I think I tried to laugh it off too while she was still in the room.  But I was awkward about it.

The other day my boyfriend was leaving for a trip and when she realized she was going to be away when he returned she gave him a big embrace before she left for work.  

I don't want to suddenly be the paranoid jealous girlfriend but I have been in past relationships where I suspected something that later turned out to be true.  Having been cheated on I guess I'm worriend that it will happen again.  I can't imagine my current boyfriend will cheat on me but there's nothing I can do about his roommate if she is flirting with him.  Maybe its just flirting and nothing more.  Or maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know.

But if this is something I should talk to my boyfriend about, how do I start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

This is a brand new relationship, and just because you were involved with cheaters before doesn't mean he's a cheater.  If they've lived together for a while, then they're comfortable with each other, and what she said about the pillow might be "tacky" but obviously it didn't bother him, and I wouldn't call that "flirting" either.  You must not have any faith or trust in him, because if he's really into you, then she can flirt all she wants, it's not going to affect him, and very honestly, a hug goodbye isn't flirting, either.  You need to work on your own insecurity......let's face it, a secure woman wouldn't worry about these incidents, and if she thought something was up, oh well, she'd move on and find someone else that won't cheat.  If you want him to know you don't trust him, then tell him about your fears..........and lose him.  Keep it to yourself, and either trust him, or move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2013
Thanks for your comments. I never said I didn't trust him because I do know how he feels about me. If I really was insecure I would be paranoid every time he talked to any woman. I just didn't like the pillow incident and it made me wonder how many other times she's done something weird like that. And because she lives there, if it's something I need to just put up with or confront. After talking about it with a friend - it's possible she just doesn't understand boundaries. Thanks.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I wouldn't worry about it. They are roomates. So they possibly have become friends as well to a degree. It's ok for friends to hug, no matter their gender. As for the pillow comment well young people in roomate situations can joke around and make off the wall, vulgar comments like that and not mean anything by it, just joking around. I wouldn't consider it flirting. Just remove it from your mind and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I guess I'm in the minority here but I think that people in healthy relationships can talk to each other about their feelings and should talk to each other & not keep things inside that are bothering them & let it fester.  Now the way to talk about something like this is to share your feelings and not be accusing him of things.  You could say "when your roomie made that gesture with her pillow, it made me uncomfortable.  How did you feel?  Does she joke around w/ a lot of guys like that?  do you think she might have feelings for you or do you think that she can joke around cause you are close friends?"  You might also mention that you have been cheated on in the past, that you recognize that your new BF is not your old BF so you are trying not to be overly sensitive to things that might not mean anything.  I think that the thing that separates good relationships from bad is that you can talk about things that are potentially uncomfortable w/o arguing, defensiveness, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Well apparently their comfortable enough with each other to make those sort of comments (although I must say that was a pretty TACKY and unnecessary thing to say in front of you) Could be as your friend said "she doesn't understand boundaries" I would talk to your BF and tell him you were really uncomfortable with what she said (I would have been too) Could be she's just flaky like that though.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

km2013 wrote:
<p>My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months.  Our relationship, while still new in learning about each other, connected immediately with our shared interests, emotions, sincerity, and honesty with each other.  </p><p>He is a very generous, kind, and warm person.  Also very personable.  I'm the quieter one in the relationship and he says he understands it doesn't mean I won't have an opinion about something and to feel comfortable to speak to him.  There had been times where it seems like he could be flirting with someone, such as a waitress but I knew he was being charming and it was nothing further than that.</p><p>Currently he is living with a female roommate.  At first I never suspected anything between them because I live with a male roommate and in my case we are only housemates and friends.   My boyfriend's roommate is an outgoing type of person and compared to me she is overly friendly.  On one night my boyfriend needed another pillow and asked to borrow one of hers.  As she was about to hand it him she says "this is the one I use this for" and placed the pillow between her legs.  When I saw this I was a little taken back and didn't know what to think of what happened.  My boyfriend laughed and said he'll just flip it over and I think I tried to laugh it off too while she was still in the room.  But I was awkward about it.</p><p>The other day my boyfriend was leaving for a trip and when she realized she was going to be away when he returned she gave him a big embrace before she left for work.  </p><p>I don't want to suddenly be the paranoid jealous girlfriend but I have been in past relationships where I suspected something that later turned out to be true.  Having been cheated on I guess I'm worriend that it will happen again.  I can't imagine my current boyfriend will cheat on me but there's nothing I can do about his roommate if she is flirting with him.  Maybe its just flirting and nothing more.  Or maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know.</p><p>But if this is something I should talk to my boyfriend about, how do I start?</p>

Has he made declaration of intent to you to be exclusive? If you two have just been dating a short while, getting to know one another, then he may not be assigning it the seriousness you seem to be. You're a young lady he's getting to know, not one he's exclusively involved with. Big difference.

Considering you've only known him a very short while, perhaps you should take your time getting to know him until things clear up about him and his roommate. Just keep dating, but don't lose your heart to him or sleep with him until he starts acting like a guy who doesn't need the level of attention from other women that makes you uncomfortable.

But because you say your boyfriend is outgoing, he may be one of those kinds of guys who loves female attention.  While he may not cheat, from what you've written, he doesn't enforce boundaries with other women, he enjoys the attention and affection from other women he's known longer than you and he may behave inappropriately which, considering your past, will turn you into a jealous girlfriend.

If youv'e had relationships in the past where you've attracted men who cheat on you and you don't have the confidence to not succumb to being a jealous girlfriend of a guy who loves the attention of other women, then this guy is not the guy for you.  It's already turning into trouble and you barely know the guy.

He's charming, personable and flirty and his roommate is outgoing and flirty. It could be they love the competition of their flirting and that's all it is---or it may be he's comfortable with her and likes her more than he's letting on, hence the lattitude he gives her in how she expresses herself to him, even when you're around.  It's too soon in your relationship for you to know that.  The fact is he's known her a whole lot longer than he's known you, so it stands to reason that they have a level of familiarity that you don't because they live together.  His relationship with her is not your relationship with your roommate and you do yourself a huge disservice by assuming that he considers his roommate exactly the same way you do--way different dynamics there--which is why I say to ease up on the throttle a bit.

Fact of the matter is: you don't know what their relationship consists of and unless she is acting like she has absolutely no interest in him romantically and has her own boyfriend that she's wrapped up in, proceed with the notion that she likes him, too and sees you as a threat. Talk is cheap--it's actions that bear out the truth of the matter.

Your relationship with him is brand new and despite you feeling "connected immediately", that doesn't translate into "he's committed to me..."  You're just dating, so treat it as such and dont' read more into your relationship with him right now than reality of it can bear.  See how things play out for the time being.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

km2013 wrote:
Thanks for your comments. I never said I didn't trust him because I do know how he feels about me. If I really was insecure I would be paranoid every time he talked to any woman. I just didn't like the pillow incident and it made me wonder how many other times she's done something weird like that. And because she lives there, if it's something I need to just put up with or confront. After talking about it with a friend - it's possible she just doesn't understand boundaries. Thanks.

You didn't have to say you didn't trust him--it's obvious by the way you're making this all about her not understanding boundaries, when the fact is: she's not in a relationship with you: he is. She doesn't owe you anything, really.  HE is the one who needs to act like he's cognizant of that fact that he's in a relationship with you and to put his foot down when she did that and he didn't.

Now, sure, he may have said to her after you left to tone it down around you and the next time you're around them, she may not act that way. Then again, she may--and if she does and he doesn't check her in your presence, then HE is the person you need to be concerned with, not her.  If it's not her, it will be someone else if he is the one who can't tell them to not disrespect his girlfriend. 

Considering she knows him a lot longer than you, it stands to reason that this ain't the first time she's done this and it may not be the last time, since she's comfortable in acting that way with him when you're around and despite who you are to him.

This isn't about her, it's about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Is there a particular reason you are feeling less than trusting of HIM?  Or is it just the result of the past guy who cheated on you?  I'd be lying if I didn't admit I wouldn't be absolutely crazy realizing my new boyfriend is still living in the same place as his last girlfriend, that would be monkeying with my head.  Her pillow comment was very careless and would cause concern for a percentage of us, myself I think included.  But....for them maybe the romance part is over and done with and they just feel so comfy with one another that nothing is weird to them anymore, they say anything and everything they want.  I think he needs to do some hard thinking about changing his tune with his OLD girlfriend now that he has a NEW girlfriend, some things do need to change, if them being a what I see as TOO friendly anymore is impacting your relationship - new though it is - then maybe this won't work in the end.  I think he does need to start thinking about you more and about her less and acting that out, I'm talking about setting up some better boundaries - boundaries are a big deal with relationships, and it doesn't sound like they have any yet.  Just make sure this discomfort doesn't belong to your old boyfriend, though.  It's easy to get them blended together, been there.  It's obvious you have no choice but to bring this up and talk it over, and that shouldn't be so hard if you truly care about each other, right?  Just do it and find out what's what, because right now you don't know what's what.