I think I'm ready to tell him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
I think I'm ready to tell him...
11
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 11:49am

I've been married for 4 years.  Since day 1, things have been rocky.  After 2 years, we separated for one year so I can try to sort through my feelings and see what I wanted to do.  After much thought, I decided to come back (which was last September) and give it one last try.  Things did/have changed for the better and we've both been trying.  We've even been seeing a therapist in the last 3 months which hasn't been helping a great deal but at least we're gaining knowledge from her.

Throughout this time though, there's still been the same things I've been unhappy with in the marriage and unfortunately a lot of it is just HIM and his traits,characterisitics, etc. that I have never been able to accept.  (Yes- I did see it pre-wedding but wasn't mature or wise enough to know better).  A few weeks ago, I got the scare of my life that my mother might have been sick.  Not only did it put the lesson of "life is short" right in front of my face but it made me feel compelled to leave and move on with my life and that I've been WASTING time the past 2 years.  Thankfully, my mother is NOT sick like we thought and the whole fear and motiveation I felt at the time has dwindled, leaving my sitting on my a** again and not being ready to tell my H that I don't want this marriage anymore.  I'm even starting to question that decision a bit asking myself if it IS the right choice.  My therapist told me to use those feelings I had a few weeks ago as motivation and I'm really trying to do that!  I don't know why I'm dragging my feet.  

His birthday is next week and of course part of me is saying to not do that to him right now and to wait it out.  I'm just not sure how much of a "favor" to him that would be.  He's also been wanting to go on a vacation this whole summer but we've had to put it off bc of family oblications.  So part of me is saying plan a trip around his birthday and stick it out a while longer- perhaps a vacation will help us...and the other part is saying not to bother and to move on. 

I feel so weak and helpless.Embarassed

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 7:10pm

Well I would try not to tell him before his BD but I don't know if you want to bother going on vacation with someone you want to leave.  Unfortunately I was in the same kind of predicament.  I finally decided I wanted a divorce but it was close to my DH's birthday.  My DD was also home for her college spring break at that week.  I actually cooked my DH a nice dinner and bought him a nice present.  Then what happened was that he started complaining about my DD like he always did and that just pushed me over the edge.  He said something like "if this is going to happen when she comes home for the summer, maybe I should move out" and that I said "well I do think you should move out."  I did feel horrible that it happened on his BD though.  Oh and the terrible thing she was doing was eating a sandwich in front of the TV which he did all the time, but you know, only he could do that.

If you have been back with your DH for almost a year and don't really feel that the relationship is going anywhere, then I think you have to end it.  You really aren't being fair to him either in not making a decision to be in or out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 8:19pm

That's just it though...if I'm going to be here with him I can't avoid a vacation. He's been saying he wants to go on one and is in desperate need of one bc his job is so stressful. We were plamning one until family stuff came up. Now he wants to know WHY I'm not planning it again and whwe haven't booked anything yet. He already told me that if we don't end up going on vacation that his actions and behavior will be different towards me bc he'll be pissed at me.  I've just been telling him that I lost interest ever since all this stuff w my moM came up. His thing is now that I know she's OK (thank God) why aren't we going especially when I "know my H is in such need for one". To him it's I've done everything for my family but what about my husband?

I feel pressured on both sides- to go and make him happy but yet I wonder if that'd be unfair to him too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 10:11pm

Why don't you switch roles in your head? If your husband no longer wanted to be in the marriage, would you want him to stick around for a little while longer so he could go through the motions of giving you a happy birthday, and tolerate a vacation with you and shortly after, ask for a divorce? I think I'd rather have a lousy birthday than have someone stalling to break it off with me. I don't think I'd have good memories of the vacation if my spouse asked me for a divorce shortly after we got back.  His temporary happiness is meaningless. Make your exit plan and stick with it. He deserves someone who is crazy about him, and that won't be you, so you both need to move on ASAP. Give yourself at least 6 months to a year to grieve this relationship before dating. If you don't give yourself time to be happy alone, you may choose the wrong partner again. Get to know yourself as a single person again. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 11:01am

Wow, Safire.  What you said really hit home and made sense.  It's very true- what good is a "happy" birthday if it's going to end somewhere bad.  My problem is not executing my "plan".  I think about what I want to do and tip toe around it and give him an idea of where my head is at (like I just did last night after a fight we had) and then bc I'm not ready to "pull the trigger", he talks and talks and has me hanging on some more.  Last night he was saying how we're on a good path in the last year and how we've made progress.  While he's right, that things have been better between us (we have fun with each other and it's more relaxed), there's still some crucial things we have not changed.  One of those being communication and the lack of passion and desire on my end.  

I got so pissed last night that the words "I'm done with this sh**" flew out of my mouth bc truly, I am SO done with the saaaaaame old stuff.  I have no tolderance left so the minute something comes up like our arument last night, and I see those traits in him that drive me up the wall, I can't take it.  I even told him last night that he's willing to fight harder for this marriage than I am.  He's openly said he's put every dream and need of his on hold for ME.  Don't you get to a point where you say that's enough?  While that's part of his argument to me on that's how much he loves me, I often wonder how mjuch of that is HIM and him not even loving himself enough to say that's enough!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 10:37pm

Sounds like you're wanting him to pull the plug to make it easier on you. It's not going to happen. In my first marriage, my husband was as miserable as I was, but he never wanted to divorce. I had to tell him once and for all that I wanted a divorce. When a woman is done, she's done. Sounds like whatever improvements could be made, it's just too late. You're going to have to pick a date and stick to it. It's best to rip the band-aid off instead of trying to slowly peel it off. I imagine the housing arrangements will be difficult to sort out. Hopefully you have some relatives or girlfriends who can help you out in the turmoil that's going to follow. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 5:26am

If I may ask...what exactly are those issues you have with h? Communication problems and lack of passion on your part...meaning you want more talking and he wants more wild sex?

How old are you two?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 10:19am

I agree with a previous commenty about his birthday. Waiting until after his bday is not going to help anything. He will have a good bday and then you spring it on him. So then forever after he won't remember the good bday but he will remember what came after. At this point the longer you wait the more time you are wasting that you never get back. I don't know how two people can have a good relationship when one of them has put on hold all of their dreams and needs. That seems like a recipe for disaster. So already you have him having an unhealthy situation on his end and of course you who has lost all desire to be in this relationship. At this point it seems you are hanging on out of guilt or obligation or being persuaded by your husbands rambling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 10:19am

Safire, did you make a certain "plan"?  Did you have a certain day and time you planned to tell him?  How long did the conversation last?  

Julia, I'm 34 and he's 39- so we're not kids.  Although we do both have a lot of immaturity in us that we have yet to shed.  We should have waited to get married to learn a lot more about ourselves, but it is what it is.  

It is more than just communication that are my issues with him, although that in itself is a huge one.  We talk a lot but it's HOW we talk that is ineffective. My H is very aggressive and intense so trying to have a conversation with him where there are 2 different opinions can get pretty difficult.  He tends to try to take over the conversation and hears completely different things from what I'm saying...and also makes a lot of assumptions. We're at the point now where we have an argument and can go back and TRY to work things out- but even with that it's an issue- not to mention I'm so jaded at this point that I don't have much patience for it.

While can be very sweet, thoughtful and considerate with many things, there's also a very selfish, childish and dramatic side of him that is a huge turn off to me and drives me crazy.  So that's where the lack of passion comes in.  I LACK desire and passion for him- it's not about him wanting wild sex or anything like that.  He does want more sex overall though bc he's not happy with how many times we have it.  And that's due to my feelings toward him.   He's like a best friend and we have fun but there's that element that's missing from being best friends to husband and wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 12:05pm

I'm sure you've heard the adage about pulling off a bandage.  You can pull it slowly.  It will be minor pain, but that minor pain will last a long time.  OR, you can yank it off, it will hurt a lot more for the moment, but then it's over, no more pain.  What you're doing now is pulling it slowly, millimeter by millimeter, and you're unhappy, he's unhappy, and neither of you can be truly happy until it's OFF, and the pain dissipates.

He said he's putting his dreams on hold for you?  Are your dreams the same as his dreams?  It doesn't sound like they are.  Your dream is to get out and get a new life for yourself.  His dreams obviously don't include that.  If you're going to do it, then make a plan.  Who leaves?  Do you, or does he?  If it's you, then make the plans to leave.  Do what has to be done in advance, and then just TELL him.  Of course he's going to argue, whine, cry, or do whatever he can to stop you.  If you suspect he might get physical, then have someone with you when you tell him. 

You will be in pain too, because you don't really want to hurt him.....but if you don't end it, you'll be hurting yourself as well as him, because your heart will NOT be in the marriage.  You'll both be miserable.  If you just do it and get it over with, you'll both be unhappy for a while, but eventually things will settle down, and you'll both be happy and be able to make a better life for yourself........BY yourself for a while until you learn how to be single and happy!  Do NOT jump into a new relationship until you know yourself better than you did the first time around.......otherwise, you'll pick the same kind of man again.  There is life after divorce.......you just have to learn how to live it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 3:47pm

I think we are all imbibing western culture and philiosophy which is about me, me me.All centred on the satisfaction of the ego.I guess you two shouldn't have done this marriage thing in the first place, I think both of you are so embedded in yourselves, keen on satisfying your dreams and aspirations and not prepared to make any sacrifices or compromises. Marriage or hooking up is not for every one.At the workplace it is not every one who is able to be part of the team.Their infusion into the team breaks it up.I think you should leave and leave immediately because in this world you are the one person who can make yourself happy or miserable. Otherwise stay in there , make the compromise and work this out. One rule of thump I have always used in my communication and relationship is to ask myself whether the present situation  that seems untenable almost to the point of boiling over, will it be relevant in the next 3 days.If it won't I don't dwell over it , I don't get upset or miserable over it.You made yourself unnecessarily miserable because you thought you mum was going to be sick.That didn't happen.Almost about 90% of the issues we raise fears about never materialise or they come to pass without  the accompanying crisis we fussed and had fears about.Relax, then you can think and think carefully about how you can help to resolve your communication issues and in 10 yrs time you will be having some laughs about your gaffes in this relationship. Good luck what ever decision you take.

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