I think I've blown my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
I think I've blown my relationship
1
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:35pm


Hello Everyone -

I am a rulesy-type of girl who fell off the bandwagon. I'm dating

someone long distance, who I've dated before but we broke up due to

the long distance circumstance. This is a bit long:

We ran into each other again back in May and decided to go ahead with

another go at it. Although he expressed he was fearful of the long

distance, (as I was too) he really felt we had something and he

wanted to take the chance to put himself out there to me.

Fast forward to the present. We have finally spent a bit of time

together. Towards the end of the time together, it was a rather

stressful time for both of us - he was busy and caught up with a

bunch of major problems at his house, and I was running around with

my friends.

The last night together, given that I was so extremely tired and

burnt out, a little tipsy (and now curious as to where this was all

going since he admitted he wasn't seeing anyone else), I stupidly

blurted out that we had to talk and see where this was going.

He, of course, says he hasn't wrapped his head around this and needs

a few days to think about it. (Note, he mentioned that his thoughts

about getting back together would have a whole lot of 'meaning'

attached to it, that things would progress in a fast manner).

Instead of just letting this go (b/c now I'm frustrated and clearly

broken a rule), I get into this whole point about how I don't want to

be someone's afterthought and want someone who knows what they want

from the relationship. He said I sounded like I wanted to be the

center of someone's world and that was something he couldn't do for

me quite yet. After this mess of communication, I just went to bed.

When I got up in the morning, I said - I just wanted a bit of

reassurance from you from where we were at and made it clear I did

NOT want nor ask for a major commitment. He said we both clearly

overthought things and he thought everything was fine up until that

point. UGH! I could kill myself. But, when I left we hugged, we

kissed and he said at least a few times we would talk this out.

Of course, I've made no attempts to contact (per usual)so he can

escape into his cave. It hasn't even been a day yet so I'm not

concerned but I'm curious if I've totally blown it or if it might be

salvagable?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:28pm
Ya know, the rules are the rules b/c they work. My advice is that you can't fix a falling off the wagon problem w/ more falling. I know that it would feel good to think that once you've unrules a situation, it is all free going from there. I am not trying to stay regimented. The darned things just work so well.

I think that you have to let him have his time, and keep your other side to your friends and these boards. Set it free all you want, just not to him! is my advice.

I am sorry that this happened. I think everyone is entitled to screw up and will probably do it over and over again. I think, though, that you are just going to have to tighten up on the whole rules thing rather than to reach out. He knows how you feel, and another quick contact is not going to make you feel any better. It is certainly not going to get him where he needs to be for you to keep from saying "next."

Am I too mean? I hope not.

Congratulations on having found, read, and worked with that wonderful book. I swear! If I had found that thing when I was in my twenties, I would have saved myself so much heartache.