"i want an answer!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
"i want an answer!"
8
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 12:59pm

it all started about a week ago, actually. dh was in the mood. i was tired. it was almost midnightand i had to get up at 6. becuase i refused him, he launched into this 2-hour interrogation demanding to know why i gotto have sex when i wanted but i always told him no when he wanted. from there, accusations of me having an affair surfaced. as did some past "proof" (that i'd never heard of before) that i cheated on him in high school. oh, and the fact that i'm "conveniently unreachable" by phone. he's since demanded thati only speak to him over video chat, and he throws a fit when i call him on regular phone because he didn't pick up. he claims to never have gotten said calls. i have proofthat i called. but, of course, it doesn't matter.

he's steadily been getting more and more nasty about it, ever since i refused to have sex with him because it was MIDNIGHT. i offered him an alternative time, which he rejected. and things have been going downhill.

heck; he's hinted at hte possibility that if i don't come up with an answer, we're through.

seriously? he wonders why i don't like calling him when he freaks out like tha aforementioned video chat, which would explain the time that instead of calling him as soon as i found out that my class was cancelled, i chose to call dhs about my tanf instead.

anyway... as much mroe as i'd like to write i have to call it quits for now. class and all.

enter siggy here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 1:43pm

I think I'd be anxious to throw him out first--why would you want to be w/ someone who's selfish (has to have sex when he wants it & doesn't consider your feelings) is accusing you of having an affair, and demands ridiculous things like only having video chat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 2:33pm

An answer usually requires a question and the only question I see in your post is, "seriously?'

Yes, it seems serious.

However, if what you're looking for is a solution and you have been fair and reasonable in all areas including sex, I would venture to say it's time for you to issue ultimatums. If he is acting like a child and untimatums work on children, then this might work with him.

For instance... "You get sex tomorrow morning if there are no complaints tonight through tomorrow's sex. However, any complaint postpones sex until the morning following any complaints, including stopping in the middle of sex should you complain then."

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 2:45pm

Just a few observations...

1) Do you often refuse sex? Do you initiate often with him?

2) You may have been tired, but sex doesn't have to take hours... "It's almost midnight" is really just an excuse.

3) Has your behavior changed toward him or in general recently? I would love to agree with you that he is being completely crazy but I wonder if he's desperate to try to find an answer as to why you don't answer your phone or why you don't want to have sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 3:37pm
This really all started just a week ago? What was it like prior to that week?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 3:51pm

TANF is "temporary assistance for needy families", basically, DHS gives you a bit of money to help pay bills.

as for his recent turn in behavior, it has been off and on for a while (he says since we started dating. i remember since we moved in together.) with him being frustrated like this.

enter siggy here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 4:52pm

I'm not sure you understood my questions, sorry... I was asking if YOU ever initiate sex, and if YOU have shown recent changes in your behavior.

If you're not attracted to him and you don't want sex anymore then you need to be upfront about why, rather than making up excuses to turn him down. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying that IF you suddenly start rejecting him sexually, and are not acting intimate with him, then it would be no surprise that he's thinking you are having an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 8:13pm

He sounds frustrated, neglected and underappreciated.

He quit work to care for your child.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 12:48pm

when i initiate sex... it varies from once a month to once a week, to several nights in a row. i tried keeping a log, but that hasn't been wotrking out well cuz i don't put down every time and i lose it often.

i know that the last couple weeks i've been more and more depressed. my instructors at school (the ones who have known me before, at least) have noticed that as well.

as for our relationship generally... when we watch movies together (and we do that at least once a night, if not all day when we get the opportunity) i lean up against him. off and on i can get pretty affectionate. and i've made it clear the i enjoy his presence in the kitchen when i'm working (doing dishes as i do... on occasion. or making dinner.) even if he's really not doing anything.

to be honest, i don't really know what a relationship is suppose to be like. he's the second guy i've ever goneo ut with, and my parents split up when i was young. come to think of it, my dad was a sah dad when my mom was in the navy. but he only took care of me because he wanted nothing to do with my brother, hwom he was certain was someone else's. (cuz my mom had an affair in retaliation for him having an affair. she owned up to it, but he didn't.

i only remember seeing them together once. in them orning when i got up. mom was leaning against dad and they were watching tv. the rest of the time it was just me and my dad. (i barely remember my brother back then, too.)

enter siggy here