i want a child, my husband doesn't......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
i want a child, my husband doesn't......
19
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:14pm
My husband and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary last night but ended up in a horrible argument over having a child together. My husband has 4 children from past relationships and has a bitter taste in his mouth about the negative impact of children on the relationship and that they mean the end of his life. This is my first marriage, and I have no kids of my own and always thought I would have one of my own. Being a step mom is nothing like having a child of your own.

If we decide to have a child, my husband will be resentful for years to come.

If we decide not to have a child, I will be resentful for years to come.

Is this reconcilable?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:30pm

if he is firm on NOT having children... then no. it is not reconcilable.


quick question... did you guys NOT talk about children before you were married? if not... then WHY NOT? honestly.. that is something you should not get away without discussing BEFORE you say "for better or worse". sheesh!


if you both DID discuss children and he gave you the impression that you two WOULD have children someday, then it is very unfair of him to change his mind a year after you're married and basically make the decision for you that you would never have children.


get counseling FAST otherwise there is no reconciliation. there is no compromise when it comes to children, either you do or you dont. there is no middle unless you accept a puppy in place of a little girl/boy.


good luck.



Love Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:44pm
Thanks for your reply. Yes, we did discuss before we were married. I had thought we agreed to have 1 child together (or at least try.. I am 39). He had always been agreeable to that. But he is constantly letting the demons of his past cloud his mind as to our relationship (huge financial obligations in alimony and child support, never-ending hassles of exes, and the challenges of the "teen" years with his oldest children). And on one side of the conversation, he talks of wanting one with me, and on the other, he talks of how it will be his death, that he will be basically giving up the rest of his life (he's 47) and that it's absolutely crazy to start a family at his age. I am not sure what is causing his latest flair up of fear and anger about this, but even if he concedes to having a baby, I'm not sure we should - as I feel like this anger will always be lurking under the surface and will just come back to haunt me further down the road when our lives are forever entwined with a child. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so depressed and hopeless. Even if we decided to end our marriage now - which he swears he doesn't want to do - it would be too late for me to find someone else. So it's this man and this marriage - or never.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:00pm
You have to decide which is more important- children or your husband. It is a hard decision but if your husband is strong in his feelings then this is what you have to face.

You feel depressed and hopeless. Would you feel the same way if you left him in hopes of finding someone who wants children? At 39, it may be risky and a bit harder to get pregnant too.

Don't 'accidently' get pregnant now unless you are prepared to be a single mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:18am
Girl, you blew it in marrying a man with so much baggage and 8 years older then you. This should have been thought threw by you before making a commitment with a man that would be 66 years old when your child graduates high school! How would he put the child through collage at 66 to 70 years old?? Bad planning on your part and he's absolutely right in not wanting that stress in the future. Your only choice is divorce if you want a baby. He would not only resent you for having a baby, he would be a lousy father down the road. You can't handle a rebelling teen while shopping for depends. He may even be using a walker by the time a kid graduated collage. Even if he said he would have a child with you, you should have looked ahead at financial drain and emotional drain connected with his age. Can a 58 year old man play football with a ten year old son? UHH--broken hip?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 7:57am

I dont agree with Mokie that you made a huge mistake, "blew it" by not thinking ahead, or that he will be a terrible father and you barely have a chance of having children.


Listen: My mother was 41 yrs old when she gave birth to me and my father was around your husbands age. Remember, this is back in the days when such medical research and drugs werent around... so if my mother can do it, then so can you. Dont give up. Look at Gina Davis! She is almost 50 and just gave birth to twins.


Yes, I had the "oldest" dad in high school and my mom wasnt exactly the energetic soccer mom... but i had three older brothers and sisters that made my life so complete. if your husband is worried about his retirement... well my father is almost 70 now and RETIRED. HOW? state savings accounts for children that lock in tuition rates when your baby is born. student loans. grants. scholarships. my mother worked fulltime and didnt max out her 401K so that part of that could go to us. And believe me... with a traveling salesman father and a secretary mother... we did GREAT. so i dont think money should be the issue at all. and if he thinks a child will be the end of his life... well - WHAT LIFE? he is 47 years old and already has children, did he think that they will be on their own in the blink of an eye and at 48 he can start partying? you both can still travel as his older children will make great babysitters and family etc.


Did his ex wife have babies on the sly? did she accidentally get pregnant three times? possibly he is bitter by the fact that he never had a choice and now he does?


either way, children are such a blessing... no matter what age you are when you have them. If your husband is dead set on not having a baby... then I strongly urge you two to go to counseling or see your pastor and try and work it out... otherwise you need to be honest with your husband that this is what you want and he has KNOWN that from the very beginning... so for him to change his mind and make the decision for you without asking is a major bullet to the marraige... therefore you CAN and will find someone who wants a family. You are NOT too old. there ARE risks... but with risks there are doctors.


good luck.



Love Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:46am
There are plenty of 40+ year olds that have babies. I don't think she blew it especially when he told her that he wanted a child before they married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:40am
Maybe everyone here is correct. Only time will tell. I wish you luck and happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:05am

Hi hoppy, I can see both of your viewpoints, and I empathize with both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:52am
Mokrie,

Can you do me a favor and reply to the original poster. This is the third thread where you have replied to me instead.

Thanks

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:14am
Hoppy, I think that this conversation should have taken place BEFORE you got married. Unfortunately the only way out of this situation is to leave your husband and find another man that wants children. It is very selfish of your husband to not want to give you one child just because he already has four.

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