I want him back! Please help ASAP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
I want him back! Please help ASAP!
9
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 2:33pm

Hi everyone I recently started talking to a new guy.  We began talking the end of June, beginning of July. We met on a dating site. We just talked casually and after about a week of talking we decided to meet up. We went to see a movie and I had a great time with him. We then decided to meet up again 2 days later and go to dinner. After dinner we talked about all kinds of things. We had great conversation and I couldnt believe how fast we were clicking. Then 4 days after that we went to dinner again and we both felt like we had known each other longer than we really had. We were both feeling the same way about one another and we have both been hurt in the past. He told me we first met that he was just looking for a friendship but since he met me he wanted more. So he asked me that night if I would be his girlfriend and I said yes. I was so happy and we continued dating and talking. Everything was going good until I looked on his facebook and saw a girl post something I wasnt too happy about and I wasnt going to say anything but he kept asking me what was wrong cause he could tell something was bothering me so I told him and he got mad bc he said I was just making assumptions about things and I said well you still have single on your fb so Im just wondering what we are. So he got mad about the situation and said I really liked you but maybe we should just be friends. I was really hurt and I couldn't believe how he acted. It took him about a day to cool off and then he told me he doesnt give people chances bc life is too short but we could forget about this incidenta and be together but if it happens again he was done. So I was like ok but I was still mad bc he was still going on that dating site and I felt like we werent offical then bc I knew he was talking to other women. Anyways I let things go about it and didnt say anything and yesterday I had been busy and hadnt texted him or anything all day so he texts me around 3:30 and says "You being quiet" and I was like no. He said I think so I just now hear from you after texting you and I said well I have been busy and the phone works 2 ways. He then got mad about that and was like oh ok then have a good day. I was like Wow really and he says that I have a smart mouth and it would be nice to hear from me first and I have excuses for everything. I was just joking when i said that and I told him I was joking and that he gets mad too easily. He tells me its fine and then I reply with i dont understand what you want from me. You give me mixed signals because the other day you said you need space and stuff so I was trying to give you that. Well he gets mad again and says really Im giving you mixed signals you must be blind and i cant be with someone who cant see the obvious i like you but until you see my intentions we just need to be friends ive put too much into this too fast for u to say the things you say about this. I want a woman thats gonna see my intentions and understand where im coming from.  I was dumbfounded reading this. Then he tells me he is not one of my little exs and when I grow up to talk to him about a relationship and if i ever wanna chill or hangout hit him up but he doesnt have time for someone to be on their toes over him being sincere and going against his relationship rules and he put aside his fears and was willing to open up to me and I act like this.  He just cant be with someone who doesnt see all he does and that we are 2 completely different people on 2 different pages in life right now. That I am searching for happiness and he wants a woman who can see things and someone who is willing to start a realationship who isnt thinking every guy is like their exes and he wants something real without doubt he wants to start a bond, get married and build a family so until I grow up we can be friends. So I am like so upset at this point I text back and ask if we can meet and talk about this in person bc there is so much I want to say and I dont want to text it all. I tell him I think we are misunderstanding each other. He replies with you know where I stand and Im not budging its the same stuff with you over and over always asking what we are and questioning things. I apologize to him about asking but I just wanted to know exactly where we stood and I didnt want to think we were more than we were if we werent.  He says its all good but i dont ever see his efforts and i just make assumptions and I carry hurt from the past and it bothers him.  I tell him i didnt realize it bothered him and i always see your efforts i think we dont communicate well bc youre taking things the wrong way and i dont think of you like any of my exs you have been different and thats what ive liked the most. Then he says one day I will see a man when hes in front of me and I say I know you are one and I see you and Im a good woman too.  Ive developed feelings for you and I cant just make them disappear and I wouldnt think yours would disappear that fast either.  I mean if you care half as much as you told me you did you wouldnt just end things like this. He replies with I told uou we can still be friends but im not putting anything else into this until i know you are appreciative. I tell him I have been very appreciative of him and I thought he knew that and I showed you that.  He says well we need to just be friends talk and see if we can resolve everything and see what might come of it. To see if we can make this work or if we just need to be friends but no matter what I want you in my ife regardless. I tell him I dont want to be just friends and he says well we are gonna have to work on that and if it doesnt work I still wanna be friends. I am so sad at this point. Im thinking how can we go from what we were to just friends. This is just so backwards. Im sorry this is so long but I shortened it as much as I could. I just need help/advice about this situation. I really like this guy alot and I dont want to be just friends with him. I want him as a boyfriend. I dont know if I should just leave him alone and let him hit me up or if I should hit him up and ask to meet and talk or what. Please please help asap. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 2:47pm

Do you not have a job, school?

Cause this guys sounds like as much work as both put together. Is he really worth that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 3:19pm
I do work and go to school full time. i know it seems stressful but I do really like him a lot and have developed feelings.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 3:42pm

After reading thru the post it seems that there are real value issues as well as communication problems.  It seems that you want a definate bF/GF relationship.  He is trying to say: he at this time does not.  He is going to have other women as friends perhaps lovers,FWB etc. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 3:42pm

idk, sometimes when we neglect to mourn the loss of our prior romantic love(s), it's easier to just jump into another relationship like the loss never happened. In fact, it can make us jump in too soon as a result of that need and that need can grow exponentially with the number of partners we have without dealing with the process of prior losses - making our choices increasingly more desparate.

JMHO of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:36pm

Why are you bending over backwards to be with this immature loser?  Sorry to talk like that but I see this as a guy who is going to make all kinds of rules for how you are supposed to behave with him, not take responsibility for his own actions, not wanting to talk to make sure there is no misunderstanding and very demanding--yet you will jump through all his hoops to make sure he likes you, which I think is what so many women do (and I am a woman).  First he asks you after 3 dates if you will be his GF--way too fast, you don't even know each other.  So if you are his GF, why would he continue to go on a dating site?  To me, the idea of "girlfriend" would mean that you are exclusive and not going to look to date anyone else.  So maybe you misconstrued something the other girl wrote on his FB page, and he really can't control what other people post there--but to say that he doesn't give people 2nd chances--oh but you are an exception so he will give you ONE MORE CHANCE, but you better not screw it up--right there, I would have told the guy that I wouldn't put up w/ that kind of disrespect.  Oh and if you are out of high school, changing your status on FB is really not very important in the whole scheme of life.  All the things that he said to you were very disrespectul--is that how you want to be treated?  Because as people say all the time on this board, the beginning of a relationship is the best behavior you are going to get--if he can't be nice now, how would he act later?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:48pm

You don't need this guy in your life.  He's an expert manipulator, and he chose you because he could tell you would be responsive to his manipulation.  The more hoops you are willing to jump through for him, the more he will set before you, until you are completely bound to him, doing everything he wants.

If you look at what he's offering you, it's a chance to do exactly what he wants you to do, with no regard for what you want.  I think your romance is new enough that you are listening to your endorphins.  Try approaching this situation with your mind rathr than your hormones, and ask yourself what it is about him that makes you think he's a worthwhile investment of your time and your emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:40am
Thank you for your advice. I really don't know why I feel the way I do about this guy. Its just something about him I like. I am 21 and he is 26. He actually deleted me off his facebook which I think is immature. Its so much easier said than done to just be done though. I do not want to be walked over and be somebodys doormat at all. He was gone to the beach last week and he actually came back 3 days early to see me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:42am
Thanks for your advice. A lot of people have pretty much been telling me the same thing. I trust people too easily I guess. He was so nice to me though. He would cook for me and come take my trash out. I was reading old text and I just dont see how things could change that fast.