I want to make this relationship last-what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
I want to make this relationship last-what should I do?
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Tue, 03-05-2013 - 10:43pm

my boyfriend and i are in our almost late twenties and have been dating for about 6 months..everything is going great and it's the best relationship i have been in. We both truly love each other and he treats me very well and vice versa.I can honestly say he is the person i want to spend my life with.

We don't live very close to each other; we aren't far but it's far enough where it's just too difficult during the week to make that work. I also still live with my parents in an apartment and trying to save to possibly buy something. He lives with his parents in a house because he is saving to buy something in a few years too--so there is more privacy there. Naturally we starrted spending weekends together in his area. It's the only time we can really relax, , wake up together, see each other and enjoy each other's company.

So basically he will pick me up on a friday night and drop me home monday before we go to work. I wouldn't say it's alot of time together because by friday night we are exhausted from work. I love spending weekends with him though.

His friends are single and basically call at all hours, text and they still cling to each other expecting to be available to hang out. His one friend doesn't have a girlfriend, drinks alot, parties and hooks up with girls. He calls my b/f and texts him alot. I repsect their friendship and their history and I am always nice but i can also sense this friend probably hates that I am around each weekend. He is used to having my boyfriend available on weekends to hang out, have drinks etc and doesn't always want me hanging around even though I know they see me as cool, laid back, sweet etc.

I know this happens but i just find it odd above the age of 25 to give someone a hard time about life changing. I am more accepting that this is natural when it happened to some of my friends. I can't expect them to not make their significant other an eventual top priority. (not the only but top). After a few months of dating I would hear the friend say on the phone, you aren't even dressed yet? It was basically saturday morning and we were both on the couch lounging with coffee..why would i want to rush to get dressed?

This past friday my b/f said how he was talking to that friend and was told how they give him credit because he basically frees his weekend to be with me. I found that kind of crummy and insulting of the friend to say because he makes it seem like it's a chore, bad thing or like he HAS to spend weekends with me. I basically said yea and i free my weekends to spend time with you, it's the only time we have together given living circumstances and work. The weekends go by so fast and to have people texting and calling to be in a group, it does leave little time for us..and then if we are spending time alone i almost feel guilty about it even though i know he loves me. My is the type to feel guilty easily and doesn't want others mad at him. So obviously these statements will play on my b/f's mind.

My boyfriend asked what my feelings were in regards to a guy's night/girls night out on a saturday night and he promises to be good etc..he said he loves being with me but feels bad for this friend because he doesn't have a girlfriend due to him not appreciating her and not too many friends to hang out with.

It actually caught me off guard because this is the first time he asked to be apart. I know he is a wonderful boyfriend and I am lucky but I just got quiet about it. I do trust him not to cheat but i know the friend would definitely try and meet girls putting my boyfriend in the wingman position to chat it up as well. I just hate the idea and miss him when I am not with him. I told him if that's what he wanted. He kind of dropped the subject maybe sensing it upset me a little.

The problem is I don't want him to eventually resent me and I don't want to be made to feel guilty about being with him every weekend. I want to be with him the future and want to be the best girlfriend I can be. My thought was to almost suggest it but basically not even stay over on a friday and just go home to my area after dinner. Basically that would mean we wouldn't see each other until the following weekend.

It hurts me to be away and and maybe irrationally hurts me that he suggested a night out on a saturday night without me. I know it's healthy and all of that but it's not like I see him 7 nights a week. The saturday is basically to probably do an all nighter and really party it up.

He hasnt brought it up since which was over a week ago. Should I bring it up? Should I leave the topic alone? I don't want him to change towards me because he has been very sweet with his words and affections.

I am tired of hearing his friend's tone on the phone almost depressed that my b/f isn't availalbe or we just want to hang out at home etc. We went to lunch once the three of us and as we sat down he said the third wheel meaning him. I just feel like that's crappy  to make my boyfriend feel guilty but i still bought the friend a drink and I am not the type to be mushy with a boyfriend in front of friends etc. He seems like the type of friend that would even encourage him to cheat if the opportunity presented itself to break us up.

 

What do i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

You tell him to go ahead and schedule a boy's night out, and you make plans to do something with your girlfriends (who might also be feeling kind of neglected?). You could suggest that the night out be on a Friday and that you and bf can get together on Saturday but if he wants to stick with Saturday night out then let it go.

Hopefully having the occasional night out will satisfy his friend but if not, then its bf's job to say that weekends with you is HIS choice. If he cannot or will not stand up to people in defense of you/your relationship then you need to know that now...there are lots of people on these boards complaining how their spouse doesn't stick up for them and it causes problems in their marriage.

The other way to try to make the relationship last is to live in the same city. A weekends-only relationship is kind of like a honeymoon, its not like day to day life will be, plus it sounds like most of the time its just the two of you together. You need to develop your relationship with some time spent as a couple with friends, and as a couple who see friends separately too. I understand that you want to spend as much time as possible with him but it kind of grows the relationship in an unhealthy way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006

i am just not sure what to do.

He hasn't brought it up since and i am worried he could eventually change towards me. It's also true that why can't be on a friday night; he wants saturday because everyone will be more rested after work but that basically means we probably wouldn't see each other til the following weekend.

By the time the weekend comes it's hard to jump right in every single weekend and be in groups. It doesn't leave much for time for us. Usually by friday nights, we are exhausted and we definitely do spend time with others on the weekend but of course it's not all weekend and every weekend.

I am just not sure if i should bring it up myself or leave it alone for awhile. The friends sound super clingy though and i find it immature that the friend told him i give you credit for freeing your whole weekend almost like it's a bad thing or it's a chore.

:(

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Your BF sounds like a super guy - I really mean that.  It *is* a big deal to clear your entire weekend for a SO - it's a statement that he *does* put your relationship at the top of his priority list.  So don't be offended that his friends have commented on it, they probably are both missing him as well as envious that he has someone he *wants* to be with.  Consider yourself lucky and don't harp on it.

He also sounds like a kind man to be feeling a little down for his best buddy who doesn't have someone he wants to spend all weekend with.  It sounds like he's broached the subject looking for solutions, not a conflict.  Good for him.

Let me give you some BTDT advice.  I met DH in college when we were 20 and we spent most of the next SIX YEARS apart - not even nearly close, but hours away.  Except for one year where I lived in his town, we only saw each other on the weekends for years.  We finally moved in together when we were 26.

It would have been very limiting if during that time the only people we ever saw on the weekends were each other.  We went out a LOT with lots of people - we went to bars but also cross country skiing, church, outings in parks, foot races, etc.  DH's philosophy was always "any situation I'm in is better with you, and I want you everywhere with me" - one of the first things I loved about him was that he didn't feel a need to separate me from his friends.  We did not create a little bubble of two-ness that couldn't be shared with others.  Of course we had times when it was just the two of us, but most of the time we shared our time with friends.  There were also occasional weekends where we didn't see each other and we each did things with our own family and friends.  Over time his friends married women who became my friends too, and those were people we stayed close with as young married couples and then as couples with young children. 

So my advice is, don't let this become a bigger deal than it is.  Suggest that you all go out together - what's the problem with sharing a Saturday night with friends?  If all anyone wants to do is go out drinking, suggest concerts and other activities.  Create some memories with a larger group, and your BF will have more reasons to love you.

It might not be a bad idea BTW for your BF to start setting boundaries with his friends.  I do not understand this trend towards constantly texting other people when they are with friends.  Be present to the people you're with!  Let him tell the friend you & he will meet him out later but for now he's spending time with you. 

Incidentally, DH & I have been together for 30 years now.  I hope that if your BF is the right one, you have that to look forward to also.  He sounds like a super guy who wants to figure things out so that life can move forward - together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I understand your feelings since when I was dating my exH, the first couple of months we lived pretty close, but then I got my first job & it was over an hour away--we both lived w./ our parents at that time, then he got an apt. but it was still far and we only saw each other on weekends for 2 yrs until we got married.  Back then there would have been no living together before marriage.  But I also understand the position of your BF's single friend.  Imagine having a close friend that you have been used to going out & having fun with and then all of a sudden, he's totally unavailable every weekend, so yes, they could get together during the week for dinner or something, but the friend probably feels neglected too.  I think there needs to be a balance where you don't just give up all your single friends when you're in a relationship.  I read all the time from singles who complain that their friends got married  & ditched them so now they are lonely and have to find all new single friends.

So I do think you should bring it up--why don't you go out with your friend and I'll make time to be with my friends that night?  Do you live so far apart that you couldn't spend Friday night/Sat am with him and then each go out w/ your friends?  yes it would be sad if you had to wait 2 weeks to see each other but in the long scheme of things, it will be nothing.  I know you both said you're saving to buy a place, but wouldn't it be better to try for one of you at least to get a place with roommates so you could be closer together?  I have to say I found it to be a big shock when I got married and my DH was around all the time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Also, don't you have any single girlfriends?  You could arrange for a group to meet in a bar and that might solve the problem--you could be w/ BF and the friend could be having fun too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 12:04pm

Personally, I see no reason why you all couldn't spend Saturday nite all going out as a group. I myself would not be real fond of the idea of my BF out drinking all nite at the bars with SINGLE friends who are looking for hookups. As far as his friend, your BF should not have to feel guilty about him. His friend is a grown man and it's not your BFS job to make sure his friend is entertained on Saturday nites. And maybe there's a reason his friend doesn't have a GF or any friends. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

6 months really isn't all that long - maybe you are still in the early stages of this relationship developing.  So many of us who come here have been stung by infidelity, and I experienced a similar thing with my DH back in the dark ages!  The first thing I zeroed in on is why does your boyfriend think it's HIS job to keep his friend entertained all the time?  I understand - when men gather it's usually in some activity, whereas women gather to talk things to death.  I'm hearing your concern is the "activity" thing would be about him being with his friend who hooks up easily with other women - been there and of course it's a cause for concern.  I would no longer tolerate that with my DH.  If this friend has as his main goal to just hook up, hook up, hook up, it's only natural for it to make you uncomfortable.  Flip side is if your boyfriend is committed to you, there's nothing anybody could do to coerce your boyfriend to hook up - he won't WANT to live that way anymore.  I agree with you, he's old enough now that his contact with his hook-up happy friend really could continue to be an issue, and your boyfriend has it in his power to change this by suggesting they get together to do something ELSE - it really is not his job to keep his friend entertained.  The friend sounds very immature and who knows, he may even be jealous that he has no one and as you said, doesn't want you around anymore (been there, too) - you're messing up his weekend plans!!!!  I'd be thinking about all of you getting together so you can get to know one another better.  Your boyfriend sounds like he's feeling guilty that things are changing for him and his friend, but we grow up and things DO change.  There are only so many hours in the day, and it sounds like you're all pretty busy.  He has the right to get together with old friends, and you have the same right.  It just sounds like you are not so trusting, that you think if he goes out with this particular friend, he'll be overcome by temptation.  If he's so inclined, he will, AND if he isn't, he won't.  Call your own friends and make a night of it when he does the same.  Time will tell if there is something to worry about.  Like I said, my personal experience with my DH would make this a no no, but he's much older than you and his guy friends don't go out hoping to hook up.  You need to be totally honest right now and have a difficult discussion with your boyfriend.  But as I said earlier, 6 months equals a new relationship in my book, it isn't all settled yet. 

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

At 6 months in, you two are still in the ga-ga stage of your relationship. Nothing wrong with spending alot of time together now but eventually you both need your own guys nights out and girls nights out and couples nights out too. It is healthy for these things to occur. No need to freak out about them. If he cannot be trusted to go out with his friends, then wouldn't it be better to find that out now? Look at it as another area of compatibility where you two need to be in sync and so lets find out ASAP if you two match in this area of your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Also the main issue with me would be where there hanging out, and if their out drinking all nite, is there a designated driver at the end of the nite? If their all hanging out in bars looking for hook ups, why is it that your BF can't suggest maybe they get together at a restaurant and have drinks and then maybe take in a movie, or go to someones house and drink? My issue would be the bar environment, there's just too much opportunity to have too much to drink and temptation to happen. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006

Thank you everyone who responded!! Such great thoughts

I read all the comments and want to provide further information to answer some questions people asked.

He isn't older--we are pretty much the same age.

My first thought and instinct was this friend is immature and emotionally stunted to actually believe at our age things won't change--meaning people find their signifcant others at all different ages and they do eventually become a top priority..things change and there are only so many hours in the day and weekends are truly precious.

It sounds like this friend doesn't want me there no matter how cool or laid back I am because it's not like we are surrounded by a big group that included potential girls for him to meet. I don't have any friends for him and wouldn't want to hook him up with anyone I know. He has a lot of growing up to do.

It does worry me that my boyfriend actually feels truly guilty for telling this friend no even sometimes on weekends when him and I are hanging out..one example is we went out to a bar friday night and had drinks where we basically had to recover from them saturday. Therefore we didn't feel like going out again and I can hear his friends tone almost like you don't want to hang out, you are with her again. I almost want to scream, dude grow up and find someone and not make your so called good friend feel guilty that he met a great girl.

I almost want to tell my b/f at times you aren't 21 anymore--things change, friendships change no matter if he is with me or some other girl in the future. You can't please everyone when you have a full time job, family, significant other and in my experience the potential person you see marriage with is going to come first. I find it a natural part of life and accepted that with my friends even. I never made them feel guilty and I was single for a long time.

I just feel it's crappy that because he is single my b/f feels like he needs to be there and entertain him. Meanwhile I can see how this friend is and he would try to definitely meet girls that night they are out which does put my boyfriend in the wingman position. Even if I trust him--it bugs me to think about that and can't stand the thought :(. I repsect their friendship but i know the friend is wreckless, immature.

This friend doesn't want to go out in a group involving other couples--he wants his single buddy/buddies back.

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