I want to make this relationship last-what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
I want to make this relationship last-what should I do?
16
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 10:43pm

my boyfriend and i are in our almost late twenties and have been dating for about 6 months..everything is going great and it's the best relationship i have been in. We both truly love each other and he treats me very well and vice versa.I can honestly say he is the person i want to spend my life with.

We don't live very close to each other; we aren't far but it's far enough where it's just too difficult during the week to make that work. I also still live with my parents in an apartment and trying to save to possibly buy something. He lives with his parents in a house because he is saving to buy something in a few years too--so there is more privacy there. Naturally we starrted spending weekends together in his area. It's the only time we can really relax, , wake up together, see each other and enjoy each other's company.

So basically he will pick me up on a friday night and drop me home monday before we go to work. I wouldn't say it's alot of time together because by friday night we are exhausted from work. I love spending weekends with him though.

His friends are single and basically call at all hours, text and they still cling to each other expecting to be available to hang out. His one friend doesn't have a girlfriend, drinks alot, parties and hooks up with girls. He calls my b/f and texts him alot. I repsect their friendship and their history and I am always nice but i can also sense this friend probably hates that I am around each weekend. He is used to having my boyfriend available on weekends to hang out, have drinks etc and doesn't always want me hanging around even though I know they see me as cool, laid back, sweet etc.

I know this happens but i just find it odd above the age of 25 to give someone a hard time about life changing. I am more accepting that this is natural when it happened to some of my friends. I can't expect them to not make their significant other an eventual top priority. (not the only but top). After a few months of dating I would hear the friend say on the phone, you aren't even dressed yet? It was basically saturday morning and we were both on the couch lounging with coffee..why would i want to rush to get dressed?

This past friday my b/f said how he was talking to that friend and was told how they give him credit because he basically frees his weekend to be with me. I found that kind of crummy and insulting of the friend to say because he makes it seem like it's a chore, bad thing or like he HAS to spend weekends with me. I basically said yea and i free my weekends to spend time with you, it's the only time we have together given living circumstances and work. The weekends go by so fast and to have people texting and calling to be in a group, it does leave little time for us..and then if we are spending time alone i almost feel guilty about it even though i know he loves me. My is the type to feel guilty easily and doesn't want others mad at him. So obviously these statements will play on my b/f's mind.

My boyfriend asked what my feelings were in regards to a guy's night/girls night out on a saturday night and he promises to be good etc..he said he loves being with me but feels bad for this friend because he doesn't have a girlfriend due to him not appreciating her and not too many friends to hang out with.

It actually caught me off guard because this is the first time he asked to be apart. I know he is a wonderful boyfriend and I am lucky but I just got quiet about it. I do trust him not to cheat but i know the friend would definitely try and meet girls putting my boyfriend in the wingman position to chat it up as well. I just hate the idea and miss him when I am not with him. I told him if that's what he wanted. He kind of dropped the subject maybe sensing it upset me a little.

The problem is I don't want him to eventually resent me and I don't want to be made to feel guilty about being with him every weekend. I want to be with him the future and want to be the best girlfriend I can be. My thought was to almost suggest it but basically not even stay over on a friday and just go home to my area after dinner. Basically that would mean we wouldn't see each other until the following weekend.

It hurts me to be away and and maybe irrationally hurts me that he suggested a night out on a saturday night without me. I know it's healthy and all of that but it's not like I see him 7 nights a week. The saturday is basically to probably do an all nighter and really party it up.

He hasnt brought it up since which was over a week ago. Should I bring it up? Should I leave the topic alone? I don't want him to change towards me because he has been very sweet with his words and affections.

I am tired of hearing his friend's tone on the phone almost depressed that my b/f isn't availalbe or we just want to hang out at home etc. We went to lunch once the three of us and as we sat down he said the third wheel meaning him. I just feel like that's crappy  to make my boyfriend feel guilty but i still bought the friend a drink and I am not the type to be mushy with a boyfriend in front of friends etc. He seems like the type of friend that would even encourage him to cheat if the opportunity presented itself to break us up.

 

What do i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

You know, your boyfriend just might be trying to figure out how the heck to handle this.  Is he aware you are feeling this strongly about this?  I agree with Peacyma (usually do) that the bar scene and lots of drinking makes fools out of lots of people and it really is a concern in every way.  But you already know that.  Right now you likely really do not know all that's in your boyfriend's mind about all of this, so it's an opportunity for more intimacy with him by gently letting him know how you're feeling.  A good guy is going to understand and come up with a solution.  Age changes a lot of things and all of us can change our behavior.  Some folks seem to get that earlier than others.  Can I just make an observation?  If you and your boyfriend even partly routinely get plastered together, maybe this is the perfect time to also give that activity some thought?  Maybe if that gels, his interest in bar hopping period might turn into something just as fun and a lot healthier.  Just a thought! 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

As you are still 6 months into a new relationship with this guy, you're both in a period of adjustment in your lives to make room for each other amongst all of the other relationships you've had for decades before meeting one another.  Wouldn't matter if you were in your early 20's or your late 60's: a period of adjustment is still going on at the 6 month mark.

Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is if for one weekend out of 4, he wants to go out with his boy.  I think you'd have more of a case of grievance were he saying that you'd only get one weekend and the other three, he spent hanging with his boy. That's not what is going on.  It doesn't sound like for the past 6 months you've been put on a back burner at all as far as weekends are concerned.

What if it was his family that had a crisis land on their heads which necessitated him cutting back your weekends together to just once or twice a month?  Would there be complaining about that?

I think that for all of your protestations to the contrary, you really don't trust your boyfriend to go out with his boy unless he followed all of your rules: no other girls can be involved, no drinking at all, and most likely, he has to text you throughout the evening.  You don't trust him that if his boy is chatting up other women, that if he even talked to another women then that means that he doesn't love or respect you or remember that he's involved with you and will allow himself to get drawn into something of which you disapprove.  That is what your posts sound like.

So are you really that insecure in yourself that you can't say to your boyfriend "hey, go on and have a good time this weekend with your boy... we've got next weekend to look forward to, right?" and not obsess about where he is, who he's talking to and who you need to keep him from talking to?  As it stands now, you fighting to keep him away from his boy brings you down into a petty, silly fight that you may end up losing because drama is a huge turn off. One of the two of you needs to play the adult here and it would look far better if that came from you--it would strengthen his resolve in his wisdom for deciding to enter into a relationship with you. If you take the teeth out of his boy's bite by being magnanamous in this, then he is the one who will end up looking juvenile, petty and silly to your boyfriend and make him reconsider that friendship instead of reconsidering your relationship.

I think you're plumping for an unnecessary fight that will end what you've got going faster than anything his boy is doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 12:45am

The "honeymoon" is over!  He's missing hanging out with his buddies, and you can't pick his friends.  Six months is about the time when you look at the situation, and decide if this is what you want in life, or not.  Maybe you should make your week-ends together every other weekend.....so he can have a weekend with his friends, and a weekend with you.  If you lived next door to each other, he would probably still want his time with his friends, and it sounds like you don't trust him (or yourself) enough to allow him to go out with his friends.  When you say you "want the relationship to work".......you're implying that it's not working.  You can't "will" a relationship to last.......it will, or it won't.   If you can't accept that he had a life before you, and he still has that life, then it's not what you want in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

Hugs, Fiss!  I'm glad you're back.  You've been missed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Thanks.......I tried to send a personal message, but for some reason this stupid format wouldn't let me.  It also won't keep me signed in.........every time I reply to a message, then try to move to another one, I have to sign in again.  I'll probably be around for a while........thanks for the welcome back!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Hi fissy!  Yes I am having that trouble too!

   There is a point everybody missed.  This friend is smart.  he brings his safe friend along to hunt.  Why?  because he is no competition!!  most women do not go to "bars" alone.  They bring a friend or friends.  So a single man has to work harder because the girl he is targeting will have her friend to think of.    With a "wingman" he can work on his target while the wing man distracts the decoy.

chaika

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