I want marriage.......and I don't.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
I want marriage.......and I don't.......
7
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:28am
Hello, both my boyfriend & I are writing this together.

We have been dating for 2 yrs and we have gone our separate ways a few times to make get everything "out of our system" before we decided to settle down. We have decided we want to be together and we currently reside together happily. We are best friends and we do everything together. We are actually one of those couples it makes you sick to watch. (it wasn't like that a year ago though) Anyhow, we always knew that we would end up married and have children together. Lately though he dropped a bombshell that has shook our entire relationship.

Him: I told her that I didn't want to get married and I may never want to get married.

Her: Shocked I told him that I wanted to be married, buy a house and have children.

Him: I don't want to lose her so I asked her to stay with me and buy a house, but I just don't want to get married. I think men who are single and are successful are powerful and have really become a great success.

Her: I don't want to keep going if I'm not going to be married and my children won't have married parents. I deserve to get married.

Him: I agree she deserves to get married I just don't want to, ever. It isn't just to her at all.

Her: So I decided I want to end the relationship to find someone who wants the same things and it about killed us.

Him: So I decided to seek help to see if I could change my mind. I really love her and I don't want to lose her. She means everything to me.

Needless to say this is a huge issue. She doesn't want to stay and buy a house in the next year and this still be an issue. We will be 25 next year and a lot of ppl say we are still young, but she wants to know that we are going somewhere and marriage is it. Can anyhow help us? Please Please help us we don't want to break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:36pm
You should make a deal. Move together for a defined period. Let say 1 year. Do not buy the house yet, do not have kids yet. Wait 'till the year pass. If it works get married, if it is not working get separate ways.

For him: I really think you are being selfish by not wanting to get married.

For her: Don't pressure him, he is just scared of the word marriage.

If you follow my advice he is going to lose the fear of getting married, because he'll know what is like, and he'll love it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:37pm
I don't know if this will help you or not but here's some perspective from someone who's been there. I'm in my early 40's. Been married twice. Lived together first both times. Living together is NOT the same as being married. It's very different. Living together and having children together, sharing finances etc is NOT the same as doing those things as a married couple....legally or emotionally. It raised a red flag to me that the bf in this situation would still consider himself to be "single" even if you were living together. In a committed, serious relationship you are NOT single, even if you are not married. I'd think that one over long and hard. Personally I'd advise against buying major property together if you're not married. I know too many people who ended up burned or in a huge financial and emotional mess after doing so. That's just my personal opinion, but then I'm not a financial risk-taker.

Even though you probably don't see yourselves this way, I can look back in hindsight and tell you this: 25 *is* very young. You will both grow and change in many ways in the next 10 years. I hope my own children don't get married until at least 30 because there is just so much to learn about relatoinships and life that you don't have the experience to know in your 20's.

It happens all the time that 2 people love one another and have things in common, but are still not a right fit together. It's sad, but it's not that uncommon. It's even sadder, IMO, when they remain together hoping that love will be all they need to make a successful life together. The truth is, it takes a whole lot more than love and having things in common to develop a successful, happy relationship. You simply MUST have the same goals, beliefs, wants, needs, priorities, etc. If you are on different pages about those things, then one or both of you can never be completely happy or satisfied (that's just plain logic). Whether or not the bf in this situation will ever change his outlook or his beliefs, wants, needs, etc. is an unknown. Nobody, not even he, can predict the future. And...none of us can have any guarantees about the future. The best thing to do is make the wisest choices and decisions for yourselves based on now. That's my advice. Good luck to both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:52pm
You both want different things which leads to this issue.

For Her: You have come to the right conclusion - you have defined that you want marriage and children in your future and he's said he doesn't. You recoginze the basic incompatibility of this, accept that it's not going to change (you can't make him want what you want) and you know you deserve to have that kind of relationship in your future. You also know that breaking up will hurt....there will be a ton of grief. You also know that if you want to have marriage with someone that thinks like you do, that it's time to get out of this relationship, as much as it hurts. Letting go is hard.

For Him: I don't understand this statement, can you explain it more fully:

I think men who are single and are successful are powerful and have really become a great success.

Meaning what, if you are married you are no longer powerful and successful?

Also this:

I don't want to lose her so I asked her to stay with me and buy a house, but I just don't want to get married.

So what are you really afraid of? The piece of paper? The ceremony? That someone else in the future may come into your life and you won't be free to pursue the interest? Or the 'forever' part of it? Or the fear of abandonment or divorce?

Consider reading the article to see if any of it applies - it's 3 pages long, so keep reading:

http://singleparents.about.com/cs/book1/a/whymencommit.htm

PS. - 1) I have a cousin, not married, doesn't want to get married, she's lived with the guy for close to 20 yrs, they have three children together. He really wants to get married and proposes every year. I *think* I know her issue....her mother has been widowed twice, very young. I think my cousin is afraid to get married because she's afraid if she does her husband will die. Not rational, but it is based on her childhood experiences.

2) "Success" means different things to different people - some it's career, how much money they have in the bank, their status materially - collection of 'toys' - boat, car, house, extras, for others it's their personal relationships, family, friends, kids, etc. After I took my boyfriend (whose never been married) to my high school reunion, he told me how it made him feel not to be married and have kids of his own as everyone was talking about their families, showing family pics and pics of their children. Mind you, this is coming from a man that is very successful in his field, owns his own home, makes good money, etc. but he was measuring his 'success' based on someone else's life and standards.


Edited 4/7/2004 2:07 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:55pm
First and foremost what needs to be addressed is WHY he doesn't want to get married. Sometimes men change their minds about marriage and sometimes they don't, but it depends on the reason why they didn't want to in the first place. To Him: Are your parents happily married, divorced, separated, etc? What was your childhood like at home? Did your parents argue a lot, did one cheat on the other....? Do you see where I'm heading? I don't think anything is "wrong" with not wanting to get married. I'm a 23 year old woman and I don't know if I ever want to get married. I think that a woman's main priority should be her self-sufficiency. I also want to be successful as far as my career goes. Since we can't have our cake and eat it too, at this point, I'm picking a career over marriage and children. But, I've never been in your shoes. You need to get to the root of why you don't want to get married first and go from there. I understand your reasons (success, power, career) but think about like this: you already have that and you have even more because you have a girlfriend who loves you and you love her. If you're able to coincide with her now and still be successful, what's a marriage license going to change besides her last name? Does that make sense? I hope this helps you two. I'm shocked (and pleasantly surprised) that you two took the time to ask advice about this together. It really shows how strong your connection is and how close the two of you are, which is awesome. You don't want to lose that especially if you can obtain all the things you want while being married to someone you absolutely adore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:57pm
PS. Here's another interesting article.

10 Reasons Why Men Put Off Marriage

Societal Pressure Low, Desire For Kids Not Strong

Men are not anti-marriage, they just aren't in a hurry to get to the altar, according to the latest study by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.

"Why Men Won't Commit: Exploring Young Men's Attitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage" revealed the top 10 reasons why men are taking a longer time to wed, including enjoying single life, getting plenty of sex without marriage and facing fewer social pressures to marry.

The findings were based on eight focus groups with 60 not-yet-married heterosexual men, between ages 25 to 33, in New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston.

The focus groups explored attitudes on sex, dating, meeting women, living together, marrying a soul mate, the timing of marriage, social pressures to marry, divorce, desire for children and the work/family balance.

"The median age of first marriage for men has reached 27, the oldest age in our nation's history," said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project. "The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature. The bad news is that they may be more inflexible and less able to make the compromises needed in marriage and family life."

"Cohabitation contributes to men's delay of marriage," noted Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project. "Men are able to enjoy many of the benefits of marriage by living with a girlfriend without giving up their independence."

According to the data collected from the focus groups, here are the top 10 reasons why men are slow to commit:

They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.

They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

They want to wait until they are older to have children.

They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.

They are waiting for the perfect soul mate, and she hasn't yet appeared.

They face few social pressures to marry.

They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.

They want to own a house before they get a wife.

They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.

None of the men in the focus groups expressed a burning desire for children, and most saw having children as a remote life goal and a responsibility they weren't yet ready to deal with. However, there was an overwhelming consensus that the men didn't want to put their future children in "stranger care" and that it was preferable for one parent to stay at home or for relatives or grandparents to provide childcare.

"If this trend of men waiting to marry continues, it is likely to clash with the timing of marriage and childbearing for the many young women who hope to marry and bear children before they begin to face problems associated with declining fertility," stated Popenoe, who explained that the median age of first marriage for women is 25.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:03pm
The part about him wanting to be a single man to be successful really stood out to me too.

People in long term, commited relationships are not single. They are attached. Although there is a difference between living together and being married (how big a difference really depends on your perspective on marriage and relationships, but there is

at least a small difference), many of the dynamics are the same.

One of the reasons single guys are "successful and powerful" - I am assuming this relates to career, although there are plenty of ways to define success and power - is because they can devote their lives to their careers. They don't have to balance their time between their careers, their wives' or girlfriends' careers, the needs of the relationship, other family obligations, and the needs of their children. Single men generally work and they play.

This is really about priorities. It seems that both people in this relationship value different things in their lives.


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:32pm

Well, this is really not such a difficult or complicated issue, although it is a painful one. She has every right to want to be married and raise a family under those conditions. If you are certain that you do not want this, then there is truly no way the two of you can stay together. It is unfair to her. Although two people love one another, more than love is required to live a life of balance, growth and fulfillment. Both need to be going in the same direction and have the same values and goals. The only hope here of staying together is if both want marriage. The man should go to therapy and work on the reasons that he does not. Do not get me wrong here. Not wanting marriage, is not, in and of itself a problem. It only becomes a problem if you want to stay with a woman who does want to be married and have a home and family - and you don't. Unless you can truly turn your feelings around, it is simply not fair for you to ask this woman to stay with you - knowing you cannot or will not offer her what she needs and wants for her life. Be careful about this. The man should search himself truthfully. He should not agree to marriage, just to hold her, and then resent it and take it out on her later on.


I also recommend that the woman think the situation over carefully. Do you want to take the chance of marrying a man who you know does clearly not want to be married? What will let you know that he has truthfully changed his mind (if he does)? These are delicate issues, and need professional help tob e worked out.


Best wishes.