I want Marriage/Baby- He wants Career

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
I want Marriage/Baby- He wants Career
4
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:58pm
We have been together for 2.5 years. He told me from the beginning that he was very focused on his Art and that all of his previous relationships broke-up because he wasn't willing to give them enough attention. Well we both work full time at the same job and so we are with each other all day long. We drive into work together have dinner together anddrive home together. We bought a house together and that was when things started to go downhill a bit. I want to get married. I have never led him to believe otherwise. So we fought and fought and finally got engaged and set a date then we fought and fought and post-phoned our wedding for a year because he wasn't ready to marry and have a baby. And now I feel like I bullied him into all of it. We aren't really doing well and I feel like it's partly my fault for bullying him but he also doesn't seem willing to try to work on it. I am really scared of breaking up. I spent 5 years alone before him. I am depressed, overweight and unhappy. I have had some frank conversations about all of this with him and he says that he doesn't know if he can be the man I want him to be. I don't know if anyone out there is ever really perfect. I mean we are so similar on everything but this. We love all the same things but this. And it's not your average common on I like Pony's crap either. We are both HUGE Horror fans, we both love Halloween and odd things we are so in tune on these things but he is scared to death of marriage and children because he feels it will take away all of his time and his life will be over. His father ignored him and his siblings as children and he doesn't want to do that to his children but he says he has never envisioned himself as a father, just always doing his art. That is all he says he wants in life is to do his art. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone again for 5 years, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to wait another 5 or more years waiting for him to be ready to have children and marriage. I don't know how to fix this. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:11pm
::I am depressed, overweight and unhappy.

You have to work on this yourself, with or without him in your life. Happiness does not come from another person, place or thing. It comes from within you. So get busy on you, value yourself enough to work on you, to feel good about you.

::I have had some frank conversations about all of this with him and he says that he doesn't know if he can be the man I want him to be.

Believe him.

::he is scared to death of marriage and children because he feels it will take away all of his time and his life will be over.

If he feels this way, then that is his reality and what he will expeirence. If he can't 'juggle' both, then believe him. His feelings aren't going to change if you were married and pregnant.

::His father ignored him and his siblings as children and he doesn't want to do that to his children but he says he has never envisioned himself as a father, just always doing his art.

This is his childhood baggage and you can't heal him or save him from himself. He has to do that for himself.

::I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone again for 5 years, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to wait another 5 or more years waiting for him to be ready to have children and marriage.

Until you close one door another can't open. You can't see the future, but chances are if you work on you, heal yourself, grieve for what might have been, for what could have bene, for what you hoped would have been, life will change for you.

Don't wait. Be willing to work through your fears, work on you and embrace the kind of life you really want. Because trust me, if poof, you were married tomorrow, things would not be perfect.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:32pm
bethaneeartist...

Pianoguy ALSO LOVES HORROR MOVIES! I was watching a classic one with Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Tuesday night....and yes....they both met their demises at the end of the film. So the response you're receiving is somewhat related.

Your b/f, co-worker and housemate indicated at the very beginning of your relationship that he WASN'T marriage material and he didn't feel comfortable being a Dad. This was partly because of his 'unpleasant past!' But there are also plenty of men out there WHO DON'T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY!

So while you have tried to convince him that all family situations aren't as unpleasant as his was....he told you that ART was the most important element in his life! It's a monstrous attitude...but there ARE men who feel that way.

Kinda like Lawrence Talbot (aka the wolfman) who always changed into a lycanthrope whenever "the moon was full and bright!" His friends tried to convince him the problem was 'all in his head' and would eventually disappear...but the curse lasted through 5 movies!

Despite your best intentions not to 'crowd' the man you'd like to have as a husband...you best efforts are fruitless if he doesn't want to try!

I guess you can always threaten him with a silver bullet (which kills a werewolf) or a stake through the heart (which kills a vampire)....but there's no weapon that will transform his feelings about starting a family! A man either wants to be a husband and a dad...or he doesn't! Sorry!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:09am
Okay, I wish I knew your age! My thing is this, if you really love this man and you have so much in common... he could be your soul mate! The thing is timing. Does he NEVER want to marry and have kids? Because if it's absolutely out of the question, you might want to rethink this relationship because you will never be whole without your dream of having a family. However, if he just doesn't want to do it right now, discuss this with him and find out when he might be ready? He seems pretty responsible, trying to get his career and everything in order first. And I think you made a big mistake arguing with him over getting married or whatever then he just proposed pretty much to shut you up about it. You should never have to "argue" someone into marrying you. Would you really be satisfied with him knowing he was marrying you JUST to make you happy? Of course not, it should be a mutual thing.

So if he honestly thinks he will be a husband and father in the future, just no time soon... I would stick it out with him. All of that will come in time and you'll be glad you waited until you were more prepared. But if he absolutely does not want this in life, you have some decisions to make. Are you willing to give up children and having a family forever to be with him ? Either way you need to put all of these options on the table right now and decide what you want to do. Dont' make it into an arguement with him, just let him know that you are willing to wait for him (well not forever) to be ready, but you just want to know if this is something he'd be willing to do in the future eventually. Make sure he is being honest about the whole thing, not just telling you something you want to hear. Or you'll be strung along for years and really be unhappy because of his deception.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:16am
He has been honest and up-front with you but it sounds like you have not been honest and up-front with yourself. Honestly, if after only 2.5 years you are already admittedly bullying him and having fight after fight about this it's time to look for something else. He's made it clear what his goals are and they do not match yours at all. Even if you do eventually get your way, he will always resent it. If you back off and do not force him into it, you will always resent it. Horror movies, halloween, and work are not enough to base love and marriage on, let alone a family. Don't let the fear of no relationship drive you into a horrible one. Change your focus to yourself and changing the things about your life that you are obviously unhappy with, then go forward and make that new life for yourself.