I want my marriage to last....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
I want my marriage to last....
5
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 2:45pm
I have been married for 5 months now and it seems like things are falling apart. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship from the beginning (5 years ago we meet). Now that we are married and living together it seems like all we do is fight. I am 12 years younger than him but does that really matter? I love him with all my heart but I don't know that getting married is what he wanted. He has told me that...it hurts me so bad when he tells me that but then why did he marry me? I don't know can someone please help me...I am going crazy trying to figure out how to refresh our relationship. He was so kind and gentle the first 2 years and now it seems he take me for granted. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I need to know he loves me and wants to spend his life with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 5:34pm
Go to counselling. But remember...he has the right to feel what he feels, want what he wants, think what he thinks.You want and need him to feel as you do, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen, or that it is so at present. You can't force people do see things as you do or feel as you feel about anything. Everyone has free will, and as a human being we each have the right to choose and decide for ourselves. I don't think a life of fighting and saying mean things to each other is what is best for *anyone.* But that's just me. It makes me sad that people are willing to settle for that when so much better is out there. Go to counselling and see if you two can meet eye to eye on things, and hopefully learn how how to get along like mature adults. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:55pm

He has the right to feel how he feels, but at the same time, he needs to be respectful of your feelings as well. Why he would spout these hurtful things as to why he even married you in the first place, I dont know, but its wrong. Hes a big boy, no one forced his hand in marriage, so its a cop out to use that as an excuse for his behavior.


My next question is if you two were having these problmes, why did you go ahead with a wedding anyways?Werent red flags sticking up everywhere???


I would ask him to go to marriage counseling with you and see if he is open to that...it can only help. If all else fails, remeber that you are entitled to be happy..with ot without him.


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:33pm
After 2 years (or even from the beginning) you realized that things were not good but you went on to date another 3 years and then get married? Why did each of you stay? Did you think that marriage would solve yoru problems?

Ask him if he wants to leave. If you two want to save the marriage then seek a marriage counselor to improve your communication and lessen the fighting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:47am
Thank you all for you suggestions and help...I guess I thought by hanging on he still loves me. I guess in that way I am very naive...Unfortunately, I have never been at the point to throw in the towel, I always thought/think that I would get better. He is a wonderful person just maybe I am not the person he needs. I am still confused...it's so hard for me to let go I love this person...I have let him go once but he came back. I thought if you loved someone enough to let them go and they came back it was meant to be. Maybe not? I will see about marriage counseling...hopefully he is open to it. Thanks again!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 1:29pm

Sometimes after a marriage, the problems which existed between the couple, grow more intense. This can be because a person may now feel there's no way out. In order to keep this marriage going and make it all you both want it to be, it sounds as though you need professional counselling. Find a good marriage counsellor and go together. Often the help of a trained third person can bring clarity, better communicatioin and a way of handling emotions that neither of you now have.


I also recommend that you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It's filled with helpful information and exercises for helping a relationship grow strong and well.


All good wishes.