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| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:57pm |
This applies to both men and women, I've seen both be at a point of being ready, wanting the same thing, instead of going from relationship to relationship.
::Or I mean...if I meet someone whose values are not the ones I share and in fact trample on my own values, am I just supposed to be like: "Oh okay, this is your perspective and its different."
Yes, that is a perfect way to look at it. And a good time to end it. Oh, this isn't a good match, don't deny it and try to force a relationship when basic values, etc are so different. Look at dating as a series of interviews. Asking the right questions, determining compatiability, values, moral, goals, direction, etc. Looking for warning signs....like lots of short term relationships, married for the wrong reasons, did they learn anything, can they enjoy alone time, do they want a partnership and does their actions support their words (your ex's didn't), do they have emotional baggage and if so what have they done to resolve it?
::My temptation is to be like: "Well, you've got a mature view on dating and sooner or later most people come around to the same point your at." But is that just pompous of me?
I think that view is healthy.
:: Should I just construe it as: "Oh well, some people are just doomed to come into conflict and the formation of yoru perspective is created through chance, so theres no point in being upset.".......?
That's part of it too. Allowing people to be who they are and not be upset with them. Have you read 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz? Excellent book.
1. Be Impeccable With Your Words
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best
::Again, I wonder if im making sense.
You do make sense to me. It's a matter of recoginzing what works for you and what doesn't and being able to let go before making yourself crazy when someone's values don't match yours. Instead of being in a mismatch relationship and staying for the wrong reasons.
Oh, side note, just because she doesn't want what you want now (which is what most people want) doesn't mean that she will never want it in future relationships.

Generally, im pretty screen-effective when it comes to dating (that is, i wouldnt pursue someone unless I felt like there was a good chance of it working out). And yeah, if someone didnt want a partner, Id leave them alone...
But I guess the thing is...if someone has made out with me a couple of times and the topic of sex comes up...if we've reached this point, I guess this where I start really trying to open up, because my attitude becoems: "Its only as good as we make it." Im use to empathically bonding with people in a fairly short amount of time.
But anyway, I know your not supposed to make assumptions, but if we reach the point where we're discussing sex and have been physically intimate on more than one occasion...and THEN they dont want a partnership besides...this is where my brain starts creaming: "they are totally using you."
Can you really do it? I mean, either way you should leave, because what they want is different, but would your eally be able to...not assume somethign negative about how you were being treated?
:::Can you really do it? I mean, either way you should leave, because what they want is different, but would your eally be able to...not assume somethign negative about how you were being treated?
The million dollar question.....a lot of people stay because they *hope* the other person will change and what the same thing they want. To me this is because their self-esteem says - I need this relationship to be validated as a person, to be felt of as desirable and if I can't make it work with them, then something must be wrong with me.
Carrie
I get that if I dont get validated, I really should split and shouldnt just hit rock bottom because I didnt get validated.
But if someone doesnt validate me...if they treat me in ways I consider negligent or without compassion, should I...not be angry about this? Granted, if theyr'e going to act that way you can't change it, but...should I still hold them in the same regard...?
You have every right to feel what you feel at any given moment, because it is what you feel. And it's pretty normal to feel angry when someone is disrespectful of you, your beliefs, etc.
In relationships, couples get upset, angry, but it doesn't necessarily change their feelings (love, affection) for the other person. Usually they work through it.
So can be angry at someone and still hold them in the same regard? Yes. That's why when a relationship ends even if there is anger, there still is a mourning period - a time of grieving for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.
Is this more along the lines of what you were looking for?
Carrie