Ideas on how to make a marriage work!
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| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 8:44am |
Hi Everyone,
I've been struggling since DH and I got married. I can be moody quite a bit, but so can DH. Basically we have a lot of issues from our sex life to money problems. I can hardly talk anymore to him about the way I feel without getting upset. I even dropped the "D" word yesterday, sort of casually, because I wanted to see how he'd react (D=Divorce). He just clammed up even more and we spent the weekend not talking to each other.
I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to know if we can be happy together or if it's just not possible because of our differences. What are some ideas that you have on how to really make a marriage a strong one and to have a good relationship. I'm not talking about being madly in love, because that stage has sort of passed. What I want now is to know how to make this day to day thing work.

*Side note: I think if a DH or DW behaviour was abusive, it would be a good idea to tell friends and family to have them as support, as long as a counsellor was informed as well. However, friends don't need to know about money problems, etc.
Edited 3/19/2007 8:55 am ET by cafelover
cafelover, holy cow.
Using the "D" word simply to gauge his reaction is a bad idea.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never ever substitute yes when you mean no.
Since you already dropped the "D" word, its clear that you have been thinking about divorce. So you need to get clear in your head that you are committed to this marriage. Because right now you are not.
Money and sex are two of the biggest disagreements a couple will have. And ultimately it comes done to conflict resolution, or rather, the lack of conflict resolution. If you are unwilling to do what he wants (or vice versa), you need to be able to negotiate and counter-propose.
Hi cafelover and welcome to the board.
I agree on a few points: not bad-mouthing your husband to family and friends, and saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
Things that could help if he's willing to work on things with you:
Counseling
Reading material:
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Gottman
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix