If things don't change, it's all over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
If things don't change, it's all over?
4
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 10:33am
My bofriend and I have been together for a few years now and I'm very much in love with him. We have our highs and lows but for the most part things are good, or so I thought. I must admit we do argue a lot and almost all of our arguments are about ridiculous little things that in my opinion shouldn't even matter. Don't sweat the small stuff, right? Well unfortunately, he does. Whenever we talk or are together I always manage to say or do something he doesn't like in some way, and I really don't know why he makes such a big deal out of it. It's not even insulting stuff or anything, it's just meaningless comments that he takes out of context, or playing around that he takes serious. I think he's over analytical and way too critical. I tell him I think what we argue about is pointless and we should just drop it, but he always persists. He says that these little things are what's important to him and I guess I have to respect that but it's driving me crazy! That's just the beginning of it. Recently we talked about our future and he says that if I don't make some changes then things probably won't work out. This came pretty much out of nowhere. He seems to have had some sort of revelation about our relationship and he said some pretty messed up stuff while we were discussing it. He was complaining about some of the same stuff he always complains about, that i'm stubborn, I don't do this right, I don't do that right, I need to change my appearance more often, and be on his "team". I feel like I've been making changes to please him but he claims I've made very little progress, and I don't think he even recognizes my efforts. The complaints aren't all one sided of course, I complain that he's not affectionate enough, he does't call me enough, he's over critical, and he's not very romantic. He says he's not acting the way I want because he's not happy with the way I act, and he says that if I change then he'll change too. Of course, I have to change first otherwise he wont do a damn thing. He says he's not going to be vulnerable and stick his neck out there for me. Thanks, that makes me feel loved. I guess he just wants me to be more agreeable and do more stuff that he likes, but it seems like I need to agree and go along with EVERYTHING or he's not happy. He says he just wants me to be perfect in his eyes so he can be content with me for the rest of our lives I guess. I'm more than willing to put in the work, and I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to be the best you can be, but when do you say enough is enough and just accept me for me? If he's questioning whether I'm really worth it, should I even be willing to go the distance for him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003

No one is perfect, but you are who

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
This is a big red flag. When I was younger and vulnerable, I was with someone who claimed he wanted me to be 'perfect', and that was the reason why he was constantly criticising me. i guess the technical term today is 'manipulating'.

Needless to say, I was miserable for the whole relationship. I ended up cheating on him. Bad mistake, but my self esteem was so low that cheating didn't make it much lower... I finally dumped him. I realized nobody has a right to tell me how I 'should be'. While there need to be adjustments and compromises in a relationship, one cannot change the person she or he is with.

This guy is playing with your head. he is judgmental, he is not accepting you for what you are. His "I am not changing until you do" is childish. I suggest you encourage him to go to counseling. From what you say, I doubt this guy is humble and sensible enough to realize he needs some work himself. My gut feeling suggests you cut your losses and move on to someone who is less judgmental.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
There's the vicious little vortex.....

"I act the way I do becuase you are the way you are. If you change, I'll act different."

Which basically translates out to...he's emotionally driven. He's not goal focused, value oriented, honestly communicative, self-aware and responsible and complete. HE acts to eliminate or get a feeling, he doesn't like the long-term results because that is not a goal-focused way to live. He's holding you accountable for his feelings and his actions...so that when he fails it's your fault and when he succeeds it's because "he accommodate you despite your lack of perfection"...and that is why he treats you as he does.

You WANT to be responsible for how he feels all his life - meaning you'll have to be a constant contortionist and metamorphos yourself into millions of configurations based on his emotional wants and needs throughout your life...never being good enough or right, and never getting your needs and priorities met? You want that...stick with him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003

at best i will say that this guy is very immature - at worst i will say that he is controlling and has abusive tendencies... for sure, this guy reminds me of my STBX. one of his favorite lines is "*I* don't instigate. *I* respond". i.e., every thing that happened in our marriage was MY fault. i wasn't - nice enough, thin enough, neat enough, quick enough, quiet enough. whatever. and therefore HE couldn't have a normal sexual relationship with me, HE couldn't find a job, HE couldn't do any chores, HE couldn't go on a family trip, etc. at some point he even BLAMED ME that HE developed diabetes (because I cooked the *wrong* way. I can point out that i cook very healthy and tasty food that he would leave in the fridge and he would go out and buy every piece of junk food there was and eat it, he never exercised, etc, but somehow this was MY fault. yeah, right). he blamed me everytime some "friend" dropped him. etc...


anyway, the point is - why on earth would you want to put up with this? a partner should be a partner - someone who is loving and supportive - and he isn't. so why? yes, because you "love him", right? well, here is a piece of advice from someone who finally "got it" after two failed marriages ----- learn to love YOURSELF first. simple rule. ask yourself - would you treat someone you love the way he is treating you? no. so don't let him treat you that way. if you really feel that this relationship is good for the most part, then i would really strongly advice you to seek some therapy, because from what you are describing its NOT healthy. I wish that I would have gone to therapy when i was in my 20s, would've saved myself a lot of heartache...