ill cry till the day I die alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
ill cry till the day I die alone
1
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 6:37am
I think i have driven my life to the all time low right now. I used to hang out with this girl that I knew was really attracted to me, and I was single so I was like hmm lets see how far this goes.. uh oh big mistake. I offered everything to this girl to make her feel beautiful, loved, cared for you name it. Even though I was never attracted to her looks, I was still able to look past her looks and loved hanging out with her and talking to her all the time. She knew this wasn't a serious relationship and we have talked about it many times that it was gonna end sooner or later. Well we broke up eventually, but something in my heart still hurts me to this day. While I was hanging out with my ex gf I met this girl who turned out to be friends with my ex. This girl puts the chills in my feet everytime i see her from far. I shiver when I hear her voice, I almost wanna cry inside of me knowing that I could have met her and fell in love with her, instead of just having sex with my ex. Now that she is a friend of my ex, I have basically destroyed any chances of me even being cool with her. Thats how i feel atleast. You might be thinking I chose to play girls like that, thats not true. This girl has affected me so much, that I lost over 50 lbs in 2months simply coz I could never eat when I think of her. And I always think of her. I'm in college and right now as I have said I'm at an all time low. I never goto class, I smoke alot of weed and just think what if. It makes me hate myself even more knowing that i'm just another idiot loser who liked a girl. I've never felt the same way towards any girl in my life. Its weird, its not really even sexual. Even though she is sexy as hell. I just get so jealous when I see any guy talking to her, I want to physically beat anyone who would take advantage of her, kinda like the idiot she's hanging out with now. He's kinda my friend, but I really dont like him because I know she deserves better than him and I know he's just a dumb player. Even if she were to find someone better than him and me, thats ok. I feel this extra desire in my heart to make sure she's always good, and taken care of and she's always happy. I dont see her that often right now, but I do sometimes. And when I do I walk kinda away in shame, pretending not to notice her. I dont know what to do, i've always kept things inside my head and i feel like i'm having lots of emotional and mental problems and i'm still in my early twenties in college. Why is this happening to me ? why would I ever have feelings for a girl like this, What do i do ? How can I ever reveal to someone that I feel this much for ? they would be scared I think. Or should I just keep my mouth shut, and just take this as a punishment for some reason for something bad I have done in my life. I feel more towards the latter, and maybe even better I can die alone, that way I dont have to hurt anyone anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:20pm
Are you happy? Do you want to be happy?

::I used to hang out with this girl that I knew was really attracted to me, and I was single so I was like hmm lets see how far this goes.. uh oh big mistake. I offered everything to this girl to make her feel beautiful, loved, cared for you name it. Even though I was never attracted to her looks, I was still able to look past her looks and loved hanging out with her and talking to her all the time. She knew this wasn't a serious relationship and we have talked about it many times that it was gonna end sooner or later.

Why? Why would you want to be with someone more than friends that you aren't attracted to? To save yourself from being alone? In hopes of something else?

::While I was hanging out with my ex gf I met this girl who turned out to be friends with my ex. This girl puts the chills in my feet everytime i see her from far. I shiver when I hear her voice, I almost wanna cry inside of me knowing that I could have met her and fell in love with her, instead of just having sex with my ex.

At your age, meeting, dating others is hit and miss. It helps you define what you want in a relationship, who you are, how you act and react to others. You started a relationship with the first girl knowing you weren't attracted to her in that way, then met someone you had a spark with....but because you 'settled' for the first girl now you are upset with your choice?

::Now that she is a friend of my ex, I have basically destroyed any chances of me even being cool with her. Thats how i feel atleast.

Why? How strong is their friendship? If the other girl is interested in you, the friend (the first girl you were with) may understand that things change and want the best for both of you.

::You might be thinking I chose to play girls like that, thats not true. This girl has affected me so much, that I lost over 50 lbs in 2months simply coz I could never eat when I think of her. And I always think of her.

So you are upset with yourself. When are you going to forgive yourself and do something to move yourself forward in life?

:: I'm in college and right now as I have said I'm at an all time low.

Excellent that you are in college. Make an appt with a counselor on campus NOW.

::I never goto class, I smoke alot of weed and just think what if.

Any drug of choice (pot, alcohol, sleep, drugs, etc) will help numb the pain but it also keeps you in the same place. Prevents you from dealing with the issues. Prevents you from coping with real life and prevents you from becoming self-aware.

::It makes me hate myself even more knowing that i'm just another idiot loser who liked a girl.

When you see the counselor - deal with depression and self-esteem issues. You are not a loser that likes a girl. You are a guy that likes a girl, but are stuck in the mental trap of your mind that won't allow you to get out of the 'poor me' cycle.

::I just get so jealous when I see any guy talking to her, I want to physically beat anyone who would take advantage of her, kinda like the idiot she's hanging out with now.

So she's not entitled to make her own mistakes and learn from them? Just like you picking and being with the first girl, learning from that mistake?

::And when I do I walk kinda away in shame, pretending not to notice her. I dont know what to do, i've always kept things inside my head and i feel like i'm having lots of emotional and mental problems and i'm still in my early twenties in college.

As long as you feel the way you do about yourself (hate, down, etc) you will reflect that out and continue to ignore her, which if you really like her, you are sending the wrong message.

::Why is this happening to me ?

So you can learn about yourself. So you can go to counseling and get your life back on tract to be the best person you can be!

::why would I ever have feelings for a girl like this, What do i do ?

First take care of you. In order to draw someone in, you owe it to yourself and to them to be healthy - mentally and emotionally - so you can offer the best of yourself.

::How can I ever reveal to someone that I feel this much for ? they would be scared I think.

I think you are right. If you overwhelm her with your feelings she wouldn't be interested.

::Or should I just keep my mouth shut, and just take this as a punishment for some reason for something bad I have done in my life.

Keep it shut until you be come more whole within yourself. She is not going to save you from yourself. Happiness comes from within you. You have to want to pull out of this and fight the urge to smoke pot, do nothing and stay in the same place you are. You have to want better for you. That meaning liking yourself, forgiving yourself and move forward with life.

Scenario: First girl (I'll call A) that you didn't feel for but got involved with anyway, and the second girl (I'll call B) that you have feelings for but won't express them. Could be a karmic thing - where you went for A though you didn't feel for her....but she was interested in you. Could be now that you are interested in B, she may not feel the same, but may give in and have a relationship with you at some point, like you gave in to A. If you don't want this pattern to repeat, do something about it.

::I feel more towards the latter, and maybe even better I can die alone, that way I dont have to hurt anyone anymore.

You are too young to think this. Trust me, if you've read any of the posts here, we have all loved, survived a break up, found love again....sometimes a few times over. Life does go on. You have to love and accept yourself and move forward. Only YOU can change your life. I hope you do.


Carrie